Getting through a difficult time

Okay, so Im writing because I want some support. I don’t really get enough at the moment. I plan to open up to someone more and arrange another therapy session soon. Nonetheless I still would like extra support. I hope PC can help.

The problem is complicated. It’s mostly about not having adequate believe systems and attitudes more in tune with reality; ideally holding on to some of who I am and who I’d like to be in the ‘’solution’’. The context I believe is due to my upbringing; most of my life up (Im 21 now) until the last 3 years (with on and off moments) has involved screens (tv and laptop). I spent a lot of my time playing mostly fantasy type video games and watching fantasy type tv. I also spent most of my time on my own (psychologically, and even physically). Therefore I sort of lived in my own little world with my own opinions and beliefs (it was only up to 18yrs old that I couldn’t hack it anymore- therapy started maybe a year before that). Therapy challenged my beliefs and views, as well as dealing with another significant issue (my homosexual orientation).

Now I feel quite lost. I know my old beliefs aren’t healthy and right but I don’t have any other motivators; no road map as it were. I want to enjoy myself before I go on to start my career (which people are kind of nagging me about). I feel like I’ve faced one big challenge, the above and 16 years of education, and before I spend the next many years working 9-5 I want a bit of a break. I’m tired, not really physically (though it feels like it), but mentally. I’m tired of everything; I need some time to re-organise my psyche before I can start being fully productive. People’s comments about not doing stuff like proper work isn’t helping. I’ve lost that zest of life and energy; that gets you busy every day most days of the week and feeling productive (another point comes to mind....).

At the moment I’m recovering from a wrist injury and once that’s over I’d like to continue to do some voluntary work doing some data based work two to three times a week. Following my sisters advice I think I’ll spend some time (one day a week) practicing my cooking skills and another day a week pursuing an interest in nutrition. Also do some singing at my local church. I’m not sure I can handle getting a proper job with the time demands and the recruitment and selection process.

Another point to mention, I think I may be going (or have gone) off at a tangent, is that I get days when I spend the whole day, maybe two days consecutively, just on my laptop watching tv. At uni I did this a lot!! Not good, but once I watch one hour Im practically hooked for the rest of the day. I don’t have much will power at the moment to force myself off. A part of me doesn’t care, about much. Like I said I feel like I’ve had enough for a while. I had a thought last night; that this may be because I haven’t dealt with my adverse feelings towards all this difficulty, loss; and maybe a good cry or two would help. Give me closure to move on???

I hope I’ve made some sense. Please ask any questions to help clarify. Thank you to all who decide to post responses and thanks anyway for reading if you don’t. I appreciate all support. Guess I’ll post more later on, my feelings and stuff; thoughts. Please be gentle Thanks again,

Peter

Hello again, pr1988. Why do you think you have spent most of your time isolated? When did you start spending most of your time in your own little world? Is there something that happened which precipitated your withdrawal from the world?

Hi Peter,

There is a good book by Andrew Solomon called The Noonday Demon (an atlas of depression). One statement he made that always stuck with me is that "the opposite of depression is not happiness but rather vitality." It sounds like you have some good plans - as to cooking and exploring your interest in nutrition (always a helpful field). But it sounds like you are struggling with some depression, which makes motivation difficult... Have you considered going back to seeing a counselor? The best ways to address depression are through therapy and medication.
Sending supportive thoughts your way.

Thanks TheByzantine and Elana05 for your posts. To TheByzantine: I think Ive spent most of my time in isolatation because its easier, its what Im used to and because Im scared of letting people in. There was this incident when I was younger where I was naive about the negative side of life. I was open and free. Then my best friend at the time kind of insulted me and said he didnt want to be my friend anymore. That really hurt and from that moment I believe I didnt let people in easily after that. Spent most of my time by myself because I didnt trust people not to hurt me. I didnt want to get hurt like that again. This occured at around 6,7 yrs old I think (Im not sure). My games console and tv life I think started earlier. I could have developed a good connection with my mum but my brother teased me about being a mummy's boy.

To Elana06: I can understand the quote, depression is like a loss of mental cohesion and mobility. Vitality is energy and cohesion. I think. I will book another app with a therapist (my usual one is away till Febuary). Im not on meds. I was until for quite a while but stopped about 5 months ago and to be honest I felt worse when I was on them (didnt get therapy then though). I dont feel they really help. What made me stop is I dont want to be on drugs for so long. Ive been on them for years and think its healthy to take a break. I dont know. Perhaps I should call my psychiatrist (not therapist) about it.....I dont see my psychiatrist anymore because its too expensive (3 times more the therapist). But I think I can call without being charged.