[Maya25]

This is the first time I've ever written on a forum and the first time I've ever put down how I feel to anyone, but there is no one that I can currently turn to who will take me seriously and I don't want to feel alone anymore.

I'm only 23, but I've been very unhappy for a long time. I'm really quiet and some might say introverted, but I always try to be nice to everyone and smile no matter how I feel. The problem is that I'm starting to feel like a fake, like my feelings are inexpressed and trapped. The fake smiles are starting to destroy me.

I started a new job 4 months ago at a very small firm and I hate it so much. I just don't fit in and I know I have chosen completely the wrong career despite studying so hard for years to get the qualifications. The day before I go back to work, I feel sad, don't want to speak to anyone and normally cry. Last week, I had to leave my office and go into the toilet so no one would see me crying. The week before, I had an emotional outburst in front of my parents and I think now I have them worried.

My unhappiness is a mixture of past betrayals and my own inability to trust anyone, even my family. I feel like I've done nothing but cause them problems my whole life and I especially feel terrible for not sticking up for myself and leaving them to fix everything for me. Wanting to leave my job so soon makes me feel weak.

I thought I was doing better, but things have really gotten bad these past few months. Two weeks ago, I actually had a small pair of scissors in my hand wondering what it would be like to cut my arm and if anyone would notice. It scared me, it was the first time I'd ever thought that way before.

I'm so tired of being unhappy. I feel like I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do with my future and no one really understands or knows how I feel. If they knew, I think they would keep their distance. There are many things I love about my life, but I've never loved myself. I can't help hating what I've become and the way I've allowed myself to lose my ambition and isolate myself from the world and most of my former friends. Most of what has made me this way is probably my own fault. I don't want to be social, I just want to be left alone and I feel better when I am.

I suspect I've got undiagnosed depression, but will getting it treated help me feel better? I just can't stand feeling this way anymore, I certainly never want to have to hide in the toilet at work ever again. I'm also tired of trying to hide bouts of crying the next day with make-up, people are bound to have seen through it.

[Lilleth]

What you describe sounds to me like depression please go see your doctor and get some help.

Welcome to the Community, Maya. Some information about depression is here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/typ...of-depression/

A depression screening test is here: http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm

May you find the help you need.

[jilliebeanmn]

Originally Posted by Maya25

I suspect I've got undiagnosed depression, but will getting it treated help me feel better?.

Yes, for most people, getting treated WILL make you feel better. Best of luck to you!

[sophiacomose]

Hello Maya, that is a pretty name!! I am new here too. I was stunned by your story!! Please do not hurt yourself!! I have just started seeing a therapist. Although it isn't "fun" I do think it will help in the long run. In looking around this site I see that there are a lot of people who have very bad depression; they sound very similar to you. Maybe you could give yourself a limitation re: work. For example, maybe you could say, I will work here for "x" many more months...while in the meantime you could begin to find out what you want and with a therapist he or she could help you cope while you look around. Good luck Maya

[wontgiveup]

Hi Maya...I'm sorry that you have these feelings, at times it may be necessary to just fall back and examine one's self in a quiet place...but, I can tell you from experience DO NOT become friends with that lonely place, it may seem warm and inviting at first...a physical and mental haven to retreat to, but it's really a trap in disguize, do not be seduced into it....I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Joyce Meyer, she wrote a great book titled "battlefeild of the mind" you may want to take a look at it. It is in those quiet places that you will hear (not even audible) almost subconscious things that can be destructive....FIGHT AGAINST IT!! continue to reach out, to friends..on this forum...Church...Seek a relationship with Christ/ God but please don't retreat into that isolated place. I will pray for your recovery. Stay Strong Nigel.

[pete2682]

I know exactly what you're going through actually. I had a job as a civil tech right out of college not long ago. I lasted about a month before I gave up in defeat. With the amount of hours I had to work, the fact that I picked the wrong profession, and along with my serious case of social anxiety, I just couldn't do it. I just feel like I want to climb under a rock for the rest of my life like yourself, and not have to deal with anybody. So If you want a friend who's been where you are (still is for the matter), I'd love to have you as one. And I really hope things start to turnaround for you.

[Maya25]

Thank you so much for all your kind words. What you've all had to say has really comforted me - I've never met anyone who understood what I was going through before.

I've been thinking a lot this week and have realised that I cannot go on this way. If I sit and do nothing, then I'm going to end up, as wontgiveup said, in a very lonely place.

I have made a vow to never harm myself and I am determined to keep to it no matter what it takes. I never want to look at myself in ten years time and find scars that remind me of bad memories. Thinking about the impact it will have on my life in the future, as well as the pain it will cause those around me, has helped me reject it.

sophiacomose, like you suggested, I decided to continue working until my birthday in May next year. I think telling myself that it is temporary might help and also that I don't have to stay. The colleges start recruiting in June, so I am hoping that I might have a few options, even if it comes down to retraining.

I'm trying to collect all of my courage and go to the doctor. I really want to feel better, so I have to make that appointment. pete2682, I'm relieved that I'm not alone, so thank you for posting. I really have problems when I meet new people, it can take me years to get comfortable around them and it's even worse when they've all known one another for ages. I feel like there's a wall between me and them and it hurts me when they say things like 'oh, I didn't know you were in' or 'I didnt even see you there'. The first time, I can take it as a joke, but when you hear it almost every week, it isn't so easy to take.

I feel that while I'm here, I need to share something that happened at my work during the 3rd week between myself and my boss. It's been bothering me for sometime and I haven't told anyone (I'm a classic bottler of problems, but I never used to be).

My boss came into my office, sat down and asked to talk to me, which put me on edge right away, but all she wanted to know was if I wanted to start coming full time. I told her I wasn't certain and that I was thinking of a new career (and stupidly started crying). She then attempted to offer me a piece of 'advice' for any future interviews that I might attend, saying that she almost didn't hire me because I looked ill. She thought I might have some form of parkinsons. She claimed my hands were shaky...and this really hurt me, because I was just really nervous. Since that day, I've been very uncomfortable around her and now I keep looking at my hands. It's destroyed my trust in her, if there was any to begin with.

I really need to get out of that place. I was doing better before I started working there. I'm going to keep looking for another job, but that's easier said than done in today's climate. Thank you for all your wishes and support, I hope I can feel better soon.

[pete2682]

If there is anything I can do to help or if you want to talk with somebody who
understands, I would love to have you as a penpal.