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#1
Nov 09, 2010, 11:52 PM
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My computer's goofy today so i dont know if this will work...But its on my mind and wouldnt mind some outside feedback...
*inhales & exhales* When i was younger i used to lie in response when my elementary teacher asked each student "how was your weekend?" I always told her i went to my cousins house for a birthday party - i got to eat cake with yummy icing and play with toys (like barbies!  ) Because, in reality, weekends were the worst with fighting, arguing, yelling, getting hit, and crying and on and on  ... Im not a little girl now, but i still lie. I cancel appointments and lie that i am in school and cant make it. I dont go to class and lie to profs that i am at an appointment and cant make it. I call & cancel my shifts at work and lie telling them that due to school and/or appointments i cant make it. I get asked now "how are you?" to catch up or whatever, and can only safely say "ok."  Outside of being really really really afraid to approach reality at all - it really does not make sence that i lie alot...This does not lead to improving or doing/being better than the bad mess i am now. Yet beyond the guilt after the lie - it is also safer this way??  i am so f***** up......
Last edited by notablackbarbie; Nov 10, 2010 at 12:31 AM. |
 daytimedreamer, Miracle1986
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#2
Nov 10, 2010, 04:28 AM
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Nah, you're trying to be normal. Especially when you were little. I used to lie all the time like that . It made me hope that maybe what I said was true. After all, When I spect all weekend alone staring at the TV or playing alone in the dirt in the backyard because dad was hungover and p'd off or sleeping all day and I wasn't supposed to disturb him and mom was in a bad mood and they told people that life was great, then why was it wrong for me to tell people abouthow great MY life was? HUGGGGGSSS. You're just doing the grown up version of it.
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#3
Nov 10, 2010, 12:26 PM
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Ok. So i am not alone?
i am so sick & messed up i really should just stop. Just stop. 
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#4
Nov 10, 2010, 12:40 PM
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 coming your wayYou are definitely not alone. Your post read like my life's story I tend to lie quite a bit too
__________________
It is a miracle that I have survived thus far and I strive to help others see miracles in every day life.
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#5
Nov 10, 2010, 03:11 PM
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Thanks for posting... you are not alone. It is interesting but there is this "laundry list" of points that feel familiar to adult children of alcoholics. But I think can also apply to being a child in a situation where you were being overlooked. Anyway # 3 in the list is " Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth." I have totally done this in the past. Though lately I have seemed to let it go (with the help of therapy). Idk I think "reality" and "truth" were super confusing for me. I was always being lied to by those close to me -- they told me they loved me, then they did things that did not show love, like disappearing, ignoring me or yelling and drinking. So what did it matter what was truth or what wasn't? Then I definitely also followed the pattern of making excuses for others.
E Be gentle with yourself. 
__________________
Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
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#6
Nov 11, 2010, 12:03 AM
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...ok
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#7
Nov 11, 2010, 11:27 PM
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*rips off paperbag and tears it into pieces*
 WTF am i doing trying to lie?! WTF am i doing trying to be/act normal?! I am s***!!Worthless, pointless s***!! Everyone knows that, sees that, HATES THAT!! WTF do i keep on going & going on this same friking cycle and spreading out more and more GARBAGE!! (BTW, why cant we swear here?). I HATE ME I HATE ME I HATE ME I HATE ME! I AM A DISGUSTING POINTLESS WASTEFUL WRETCHED FAILURE!!! I am sickening. I am bad. I am wrong. I am too afraid, angry, and ashamed to approach or try at all. I am s***. I should just stop - seriously stop all of this mess and rambling and crying and wasting everyone elses time and money and energy and resources and stop being such a dumb greedy b**** that is going nowhere NOWHERE NOF***INGWHERE and quit.   ...
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#8
Nov 12, 2010, 03:03 PM
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It makes me so sad to hear you beat yourself up this way. You don't deserve it. I'm really glad you shared your feelings, though, because I have the same thoughts running over and over in my head, too. It really hurts to feel that way.
Even if you feel like you fail at some things, you are are good at plenty of things! You are very supportive and helpful on PC. You are working on your issues. You are brave enough to face yourself. You are able to make yourself vulnerable to people here. You are smart enough to recognize that you could make some changes in your life. You are very in touch with your feelings. This means you are going somewhere--up. I believe in you. About the lying: It sounds like you lie sometimes in some situations. You don't miss every class or appointment, right? So you don't lie all the time. Maybe sometimes when you lie there's a common situation or feeling, and lying is your way of coping. It may not be the best way of coping, but it's understandable if you came from such a chaotic background. Being able to trace that behavior back to your early years and previous times you did it is a HUGE step forward, and in time being so perceptive will help you to heal and feel better. I lie, too, and it's usually to protect myself from being "exposed." I protect myself because I'm hurt inside. So does my sister. We are ACOA's, and your family background sounds a lot like ours was. I'm sorry it was so bad for you; you are a survivor and you are coping the best way you can. I don't judge you for that; you obviously aren't trying to hurt anyone else and you care about other people. I believe that if we keep working on these things, we will feel better. It takes work, which you are doing great at! It takes time, too. I'm one of those people who prays for "patience, now" so I know how frustrating the journey can be. I hope you are feeling better today and are able to be more gentle with yourself. Hugs to you. |
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#9
Nov 12, 2010, 03:13 PM
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Quote:
reading your posts i get the feeling you are trying to find out who you are. that is good. as a child you tried to hide your unhappiness by telling ppl stories rather than the truth. i mean i can see why you were uncomfortable telling the truth then. now/present- you have learned behaviors from your childhood. the storytelling protected you. so it will take some time to start telling the truth/practice but you can change this behavior. i think it's good that you are aware of this trait. don't beat yourself up over it...
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
| OrangeMoira
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#10
Nov 13, 2010, 01:05 PM
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Quote:
The forces that have turned you against yourself are frightening, but this turmoil may in time -- soon, I hope -- give birth to something true. Stay, and be yourself, please 
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#11
Nov 16, 2010, 09:21 PM
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no. I am bad. *puts on another
and * I really should & need to just stop...
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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