Where should I go for Christmas? Feel crazy....

Regarding Christmas.....Hi, I have a lot of difficulty every year deciding what to do about my family: go for Christmas or not go...it seems when I do go see my family I always regret it. It takes me days of dissociation and being in bed and SI before i can get back to my regular" just getting by state".
Thanksgiving this year with my boyfriends family... it threw me for a "3 day loop" of SI all day long and dissociation (and they are fine people who encouraged me to come back for Christmas...)....I just felt so much guilt about not being with my family...like i was betraying them....so stupid!!!!!!!

I grew up in an emotionally/psychologically/physically abusive environment and now with my past abuse, genes, and biology I seem to have had to have the luck to be diagnosed with both bpd and major depressive disorder with psychotic features.
It probably seems like a no-brainer~like, "Why would she even consider going?" The reason I always struggle is b/c some extended family, a sibling, and my only nephews are there (no other neices or nephews) in family. It is our only family gathering. I know many people "buck up" and try to be flexible this time of year. Couldnt I do this or why am I incapable of this?
An abuser and my abusive parents would be there...they are no longer abusive in an obvious way/ well, it has always been more covert...psychological and emotional, distant and cold and I am very sensitive to their carefully chosen biting words and their silence and am often ignored....in addition they have plainly stated through their actions that they dislike my boyfriend of five years who is very protective of me. His family welcomes me with open arms and supports us in every manner possible.....he is bipolar, which my parents do not believe and think he is just lazy....anyway....His family is expecting him and I at Christmas and I feel like I am being torn in two.....My parents are aging and sometimes I doubt myself, like maybe they didnt do the things i think they did????? These thoughts make me feel out of control and crazy and then I start to want to hurt myself....cannot breathe or think....I know all of this sounds like drama....if anyone can relate please let me know....I would appreciate any help you can offer.......I do not know if it is safe at my family's...I do not think it is, for me anyway, others seem to fare fine.....I am not comfortable anywhere....but I know my tendency to isolate isnt healthy.......yet I am tempted to stay here at home with my bird, tree, and plants, alone....that seems like the only safe thing to do, but then I think maybe it is the worst idea of all?? Thanks for listening. Stacy

Hi StacyMay,

These questions aren't easy...
But it sounds like you are understandably trying to protect yourself, your mental health and take care of you. This isn't crazy at all. It is a very healthy way of saying "this is going to cause me pain and I don't need it."
Will staying home feel comforting to you? Maybe this is the best plan and you have all the right in the world to simply tell your family "sorry, I have other plans this year." I know someone who didn't return home for Christmas for years and years, also due to abuse.
In an effort to not be too distanced from others is there any place you could get out to? Like a kitchen or church that makes meals for those who cannot afford them? This is always a nice way to help out a bit and meet some friendly people.
Are you seeing a therapist right now?
Sending supportive thoughts your way...

E

Hi, StacyMay! Many (most? almost all?) people who have been abused in one form or another suffer guilt feelings. Dealing with unfounded guilt is part of recovery and survival. You may have no choice about facing unfounded guilt, but you do have a choice whether or not to accept more abuse.

I wish you strength for this season's battles.

(((Staceymay)))

I just want to update y'all that have replied....((((ty)))) I have decided to stay with my boyfriend...he is TOO wonderful....together, at out apt...we have made it very cozy....and scraped the plans to go to either familiy...isnt that selfish!!!!!!! and wicked...we may invite my 85 year old neighbor over for dinner as she is alone......for dinner......anyway thank you for the support...always so calming to know someone cares..xo S.

Ahhhh, how wonderful StacyMay! good for you hon. it seems like being with someone you truly love has won out! and your 85 year old neighbor, it may be her only joy of the season to be with you and your boyfriend. how kind of you.

i spent years trying to please my mom who was determined "family" was numero uno at the holidays, so we all faked liking being together every year and i hated it. but then i somehow got the courage and started putting in to work the holidays and so finally got out of the torture!

could you somehow have a "holiday after the holidays" with just the people you really care about? just a simple dinner out maybe?

now that my sis and i have reconciled in our older years, i am making up a "Christmas goodies box" for her and my nephews of old pictures i found, an album for them, a pair of comfy jammies, funny notes and nice things to brighten her Christmas (she will be on disability soon) and a couple of things for my nephews who are wonderful men now. it's so much fun, i can stay at home and off the roads, and it fulfills all my needs to enjoy a sense of family over the holidays. (sis has stood up too, for the first time, but we have each other and that is enough)

Merry Christmas StacyMay (and your wonderful boyfriend).

StacyMay's own tree