Why isnt anyone fighting to keep me in this world?

There is this guy I hang out with. I tell everyone he is my brother, and well, he sometimes tells people Im his sister. We have a platonic love going on, although I know. its one sided. He is just a prick. he has a euroasian girlfriend, who happens to be my very close friend. I wont call them best friends. Coz the moment I do, they will leave me. The gf, K left for Bali 6 months ago and I took care of P for 6 months, buying him food and everything when he was broke, paying for his semester fees although Im broke myself and also took him places so he can be happy. Today the K came back and as happy as I was to see her, I was estatic actually.. but... I couldnt take bear the part where they were overtly PDAing with me there and I know nobody is ever going to love me like that. And all the evil thoughts came gushing in. P was never there for me when I needed him. He turned against me when something horrible happened a month ago, and he really hurt me badly. And for 20 plus hours, I was with them, and all I could do is feign boredom or sleepiness to stop myself from crying. A couple hours ago we went out to eat and another group of friends were there. K and this group never liked each other. I went to say hello to the group and they forced me to sit down and eat with them. K said it was ok as long as I come back. But the group decided to taunt me and say I was fat and I was ugly and God knows which jungle I came from and so on. I just hit them right back, like I always do. But they dont know how fragile I am. They know I have an eating disorder. They know I cut myself. I have cut myself in front of them during a drunk episode. But they still do it.
They dont know that I have decided that this year will be my last year... and if things still dont get better.. I have waited for 14 years for things to get better... I texted one of my friends saying Im not in a good place right now and I needed to talk. He said another day.. when will that day come? one of the guys said the day I become thin is the day the world comes to a stop. I weigh 90lbs and 5"3. how many lbs do I have to lose somemore for the tainting to stop. Will it stop when I am at my deathbed?

Im scared.. because I know.. if i start crying right now, there wont be a last year.. just a last day..

Why isnt anyone fighting to keep me in this world?

You need an entirely new group of friends, none of these people are your friends. What is your support group? you need to turn to them. You are not fat. You are worthwhile. and you deserve a love of your own. Please reach out for help, at your school should be councelors who can point you in the right direction.Real Friends don't taunt and call names and try to get reactions just for fun. Real friends give as much as they take.

I have another group of friends...my coursemates.. but once they found out about my eating disorder and cutting they stopped talking to me completely. I am quite well known for my out there drinking with the boys attitude.. and they didnt like that either. So I feigned recovery and now we r friends, but I wont trust them with anything. I saw a counsellor for a while at uni. She kept ignoring my issues on depression and food and all she said was you have the willpower to change that. Just tsop doing it. I dont have the willpower.. So I stopped seeing her. Ihave no support group. I have no one to talk to. I tried telling Vie that Iwas suicidal but he.. he just said "but you know you wont talk about your problems to anyone. We were just helping you get out of your bad reputation(incident that happened a month ago) and you say we didnt bother to ask you why you were acting out?" I just said sorry its my fault. At this moment he is the only one I can talk to and even then I can never tell him about my demons. Im losing it. and there's no one I can go to..

I agree with snapdragon928, littlemishka.

Those people aren't your friends at all. They sound like abusive schmucks! Youth can be incredibly cruel. Most teenagers pass this phase of life in the mid to late teen years. Sadly, alcohol and drugs slow the emotional growth process. Perhaps that's why none of your friends have shown any care or love to you.

You do deserve care and love! I'd seriously recommend losing your "friends" and move on to finding yourself. In that process, you'll make true friends that care about you as a human being. As you continue to grow and learn about life, your self-love will slowly bgein to build up. You need self-love more than anything in this world, I speak with experience on that one. Trust me! Personally, I'd rather hang out by myself, than hang out with jerks that make me feel even more suicidal. It isn't worth it ~ not at all!!

Gather strength ~ you can do it!

((((((((hugs))))))))))

Your "friends" don't understand, and that's why they make fun. It's ignorance at it's worst, and they aren't doing anything to help you.

I agree with the other posters that say you need to new friends. Because you do. REAL friends don't make fun - they try to help you through your darkest times.

You need to realize for yourself that YOU matter. Not them, what they think or why they make fun. You need to decide that you matter in this world. Don't put so much stock in what these people say and wonder why they won't fight for you. If they haven't now, they never will. You need REAL support. I hope you find it.

The drinking is a downer so that won't help. There is someone, a teacher, an older adult, who will listen. There are local Community mental health in the USA. Don't give up. I encourage you to not fake recovery but do actual recovery. I wish I could do more to help.
There is a group here for eating disorders too, they should help.
The cutting and drinking only relieve the pain temporarly, you need to see to getting to the root of the problem.

When my depression gets bad I sound exactly like you and I want someone to take care of me. I believe my entire life is awful and I should stop living. Nobody cares about me. And when the meds kick in I don't feel that way at all! I call it "depression think", because it's so distorted.

I have also learned not to talk about mental illness and alcoholism to people who don't have these diseases and aren't professionals. It frightens people to hear stuff like this. I keep a lot more friends this way.

littlemishka, please give an us an update if you can.

You cannot find your identity through the eyes of others, as perfect as people may present themselves to you... we are all broken, flawed, beings, bumbling and stumbling our way through this journey called life. If you're waiting to hear someone say "OK littlemistaka, you're thin enough to hang with me" what happens to you if that person suddenly decides that he will now make his guidlines a little more strict and you're again outside of his acceptance bracket. YOU MUST KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!! no one should be able to dictate that for you...My intent in this message is not to come down on you...I can relate to you because I have lived most of my 40year life in isolation, away from the judgements of others...and it all stemmed from my abuse as a child. It is only in recent years the I have come to know God, And in recent months I am truly beginning to know spiritually what He says about me "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" "I am the apple of His eye" these things are finally sinking into my soul and it sure feel good. We cannot construct our identities through the acceptance of others, some of us (being damaged by life experiences) cannot even trust our own thoughts as it pertains to how we view ourselves. But this I do know..The word of God and what He says about me is my anchor. It is the same yesterday, today and forever!! GOD IS FIGHTING TO KEEP YOU IN THIS WORLD!