What is "support"?

What is "support"?

I'm getting tired of not having any contact with my friends... they don't call (well, I don't have a phone), they don't email, they don't visit. When I contact them I maybe hear back, maybe not. But when I do get a response, they always say "but remember, you always have our support."

So what the heck does that mean exactly? Emotional support? How can you provide that when you don't speak to me? Help with errands, or even helping ease my day? How can you do that when you don't visit?

Today I got an email from a friend, he "can't imagine the stress I am under" but wants me to take things one step at a time, and be sure to eat because good nutrition is important so make getting to the grocery store a priority. He knows I have no car and no money. But now it is my priority. So thank you for that advice. (So what does that mean, I am supposed to have more anxiety about that than I have now?)

This is the same friend who goes for months with no contact but tells me he is always thinking about me, as if that is supposed to provide some sort of comfort when I am stuck in my house for weeks and months without end with no outside contact and no visitors.

These are friends who understand the illness, understand my needs, but don't seem to understand that a small amount of effort on their part would go a long way, even when I specifically tell them so.

At PC we provide support by listening to one another, sometimes offering advice, many times just lending an understanding ear. When one of us is having a hard time and posts about it, they don't have to wait three weeks for even an acknowlegement that our voice was heard.

I am in deep trouble, with no family to back me up. I don't expect or want my friends to give over their lives to me. I don't want money, help around the house, I'm not even asking for rides... just some contact on a regular basis so that it doesn't feel as if if I were to leave, no one would even know that I was gone for a month or so.

dexter, I know what you mean. Ive been wondering about something very similar myself lately. Im wondering if its me who is distancing myself from peopel. Im not for a minute saying thats the case with you. But I know what you mean. Its like I want to have real meaningful relationships with people but it never seems to work out for me and Im thinking that the common denominator in all this is me.

All the girls

I do distance myself from people.

But I have been making a concerted effort to reconnect with people who care about me.

The urge to isolate under depression is fierce... I try to battle it, and find my worst fears realized.

I hear you dexter. The urge is to isolate. Ive been very sucessful at that and it is only recently that I have realised this.

Im pleased you are making this effore to reconnect with those that care about you. Im kinda thinking I need to be doing that too. Ive been trying to integrate myself recently in areas where I just had a turned back. But my god its hard cos inside i want to curl up and hide.

All the girls

I do hear you, I just can't think of anything helpful to say. Mostly because I haven't sorted any of this out for myself yet.

Sounds like you are already doing your part, you directly communicate what would be helpful, what you want. The fact that even then, the friends don't do it, says something. (Though I'm not entirely sure what.)

Frustrating.

Sarah

Well,once again you got me thinking Dexter. heavy sigh. NO friends ever call me. No neighbors ever knock on my door to see if I'm ok (but they let me know they've "been wondering about me since they hadn't seen me in a while" if I happen out to the mail box when they are coming or going... (does this mean I could be dead in my house and only the dog barking incessantly might give them rise to wonder more?) No one IRL emails me except 1 person.. who has such a busy life and has been supportive (in her own way ) in the past... family??? you must be joking! Mail??? nada not from anyone I know personally.... nothing ... email.... rarely.... 2 ppl (one being the one IRL who I mentioned, but even her I send the Garfield cartoon to and often have no responses) I send emails... saying I won't make a meeting... cuz I don't go much and have to go even less according to my T.... had a conference call for a big even coming up for a group... missed it they didn't call me either. I'm really not needed.

bummer. I sure do understand. I chalk it up to that ppl really don't know how to help, don't know how to support us, and also that they fear they might actually HAVE to own up to their words and drive us someplace once in a while, ya know? My church is "far" for the area.. as there are plenty in between me and that one.. but nothing like the one I am a member of... but when a stranger there finds out where I live, they suggest I find a closer church!!! (They only find out because theyhear someone else tell me they haven't seen me around... duh!) I mean, I'm in concert choir but one one person has ever called me when I missed.... and only called once. (and I showed up the next time right after their call, so they know it meant something?)

So what do we do? grrrr Telling someone to eat well when they know we don't have the way to do that... well, that's spoken of by James how wrong that is... and in other parts of the Bible, telling someone to be warm and full without giving them a coat or food grrrrrrrr seems to me that tells us that these kind of ppl existed even back then?

Ok, what to do. We can try and live in spite of them! Or we can make a list of what we do need... and how another can help , and then CALL them.. say hey I need some bread and milk and I don't have any money or any way to get to the store, HOW can you help me out? I guess we could call the local mission or daily bread organization and ask just how they help.. I do know the Salvation Army helps in stuff like that.

For the time being, I am mobile, and I usually eat once a day (out, since I can't manage shopping and cooking for myself) so I am not really in your position in that. For the lack of support? yeah. I 'm there with ya, buddy. But don't go hungry... ask DocJohn about some help some of us give for members just like you!

But even food and warmth doesn't take the place of friendship. I'm sorry.

I am in no way a friendship expert-- as I am lacking horribly in that area myself--- but I wondered-- what would happen if we reach out by doing something for a friend before they do anything for us? Perhaps that could get the re-connection going??

I've just been thinking about this, not accusing you of anything in any way. It's just a thought is all.

I feel for you and am sorry you are feeling a lack of support. I will hope that things turn for the better for you.

mandy

Just some thoughts:

-They're lazy
-They think that your other friends have you covered
-They're uncomfortable because they don't have experiece with this
-They're thinking, "If I was in his shoes, this is what I would want people to back off and give me space..." and then assuming that you feel the same way

(((((((((Dexter))))))))))

Dexter...I feel for you and know a lot of what you speak of. I have had "friends" tell me they are praying for me and my medical issues and cash issues then tell me about a trip they have booked and about the new car they just got (I am gonna use one person here) they own a business and cannot beleive my gas company shut my heat off.....but didn't do a thing to help...just flapped their lips. Oh and worried when my phone gets shut off how THEY will be able to reach me (for support for them).....I could blow my brains out tomorrow and frankly nobody would care or know unless THEY had a problem. Add to this I contacted so many agencies for help and got zip......I sleep now...its my best friend

In my case 2b1 I have always been the one helping friends. I have spent my life trying to step up, and not wait to be asked. I won't ask a friend "Do you need help paying for dinner?" I'll say "Hey I want your company, don't worry, I'll pay for dinner."

I've never thought that the friends for whom I do things for "owed" me anything in return... I give for the joy of giving, not for barter. But I have always believed in a sort of Karma, and that if I ever needed anyone or anything there would be someone there to help me out... not necessarily the people that I helped, they might not be in the "right place" to help out right now, but I always thought that in general, being a good person, or trying to do so at least, would keep me in a good circle of people who help each other out.

As for reaching out right now, there is nothing that I have to offer... and I don't mean that in terms of low self esteem, I mean that right now I am so broken, sad, scared, and in-trouble that the only reaching out I can do is to ask for help. I don't have anything in me to "give" right at this point in time.

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I should say that for some reason I feel really lousy this evening. I felt noticably better yesterday, and I felt good in the partial program today. But when I got home I got all grumpy... My anxiety is back this evening. Some unpleasant thoughts which were gone yesterday for the first time in a long time are back...

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate that there was a change yesterday... I do and it gives me hope. Just mention it because the place I'm in right now is darker again, and that is probably reflected in my posts...

Yeah me too Dexter I am sorry you feel so bad..I too am tapped out in all ways..Just sending you some hugs I have those to give

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I've never thought that the friends for whom I do things for "owed" me anything in return... I give for the joy of giving, not for barter. But I have always believed in a sort of Karma, and that if I ever needed anyone or anything there would be someone there to help me out... not necessarily the people that I helped, they might not be in the "right place" to help out right now, but I always thought that in general, being a good person, or trying to do so at least, would keep me in a good circle of people who help each other out.

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Just some thoughts:

-They're lazy

Possibly, but don't know if that counts for everyone involved here. A lot of them are real go-getters... same group that raised the $46,600 for the Star Wars charity... but some of them do have a lot of things going on in their own lives as well, which doesn't leave any time for me.

>>-They think that your other friends have you covered

I think this accounts for most of the explanation... even though I have told people it is not the case. When I take a step back what makes me hurt the most is the realization that most of my friends are busy with priorities, those priorities being the people close to them in their lives... caring for a sick mother, busy making wedding plans, etc... And although I've considered many of my friends to be special people in my life, for all of my humanity somehow I have ended up with no one thinking that I am a special person in their life. I have never been lonely in my life, even when most alone... until now.

>>-They're uncomfortable because they don't have experiece with this

A lot of the people I'm talking about have both knowledge and experience with mental illness, some with family members (but see, I'm not a family member... I don't have any family members). In general though I know that that is a big problem for a lot of people... which is why in the past I've always made an effort to visit hospitals, etc.

>>-They're thinking, "If I was in his shoes, this is what I would want people to back off and give me space..."

Well that's why it is important to speak up for what you need and what you want, which I have done...

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My arthritis is also flaring up very badly this evening, worse than it has been for a while, so that's part of why I am so grumpy too...

Of course the people here always have just the kind of love and support that I want and need...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{everyone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I like that idea too... that ppl think we have enough "other" ppl in our lives to cover us... but, like you said Dexter, even after telling the few that we don't , they don't step up to the plate! I, too, have bought dinners, tickets to events , etc just to not be too much of a burden on a friendship and to be able to enjoy their time. Yet, not pushy, just knowing it would be more of a stretch for them (and maybe trying to eliminate any excuses could for them turning me down?) Maybe that's part of it? Maybe they feel like they owe us.. you know? Like family...never loan money to family or friends.. you'll never see them again???

While I'm here, let me say I'm glad to see that you are receiving the support you need here. In another of my few threads I began, some members have taken time to attack me directly, rather than support me. I hope I never become that way... and I hope I can always say something to help you Dexter... you are one of my favorite members here ((((((((((hugs)))))))) xxooxxoo

(((((((((((((Dexter)))))))))))))))) I'm with Sky, you are one of my favorite members here.

Hi Dexter,

I know what you mean. Quite recently I broke off with 2 of my friends from school. Whenever I called with my problems, they kept saying : "Gee, change the subject. It is so repetitive. I am saying that to help you, you know.", "Yea, yea, I am listening. Can't we talk about something more superficial ?"
I don't know what's wrong with your friends. I just know what was wrong with mine. Now I've met 2 other friends from school. When I call them with my repetitive stuff, they say : "Hey, come on, react ! If you want, you can call me later. Let's do something tomorrow and this WE, OK ? No I don't feel annoyed by this story. I am your friend !"
What a difference ! Don't isolate yourself. Keep the contact with the outside world and try to talk again to your friends or write a letter. Find new friends as well. Good luck!

I know how you feel, my family said to me they support me, but now they have little contact with me since I've moved out. It feel like they advoid me as well. Support has a new meaning to people who do not feel our pain, they do not understand that we need more love, affection, encourgment, and compassion then most of the average person, or that my opinion. Maybe I am refering to my own needs..

(((((((((((((( Dexter ))))))))))))))

I understand, friends, even family, like that are a real joke, and I'm not laughing. I wish I had some way of giving you some comfort in some way. I'm open for PM's if you ever wish to talk.
Please take care now,
Sincerely,
DE