[Brandy]

I guess I'm here, becasue I am at an end. I still feel buried and smother by this depression. So many things are trigging it now. I've just moved from home to my own place, not sure if this was a wise desion. I have not yet moved on from point where I almost killed myself 2years ago. I was even amitted into a hospital. I still feel at lost.

Why is it, everyone or excuse me, why does it "seem" people recover after this attempt of death? Because I havn't recover at all... I have no one else to talk to. I live in a strange new city to me, I know no one. Now I have relize, moving does not take you away from your problems...
I still wish I could disappear into thin air...

[CedarS]

Welcome Brandy to the forums, you will find lots of folks who understand, some support and resources.

First, do you have a therapist, anyone to talk with?

Sarah

[Brandy]

No, thearpist unfornatly cost money......something I am very limited to right now. And I don't think my medical insurance cover personal issues. Plus, when I was amitted into the Mental Hospital called Glen Oaks in Greenville,TX the doctor didn't really help. I don't know if it was just because he sucked at his job of helping someone like me cope with thier pain..... or just because I wasn't a piroity on list.... So I seem to shy away from the thought of someone who is paid to listen to me....

But otherwise, I don't have really anyone to talk.... My boyfriend who I live with does not understand what I am going through and plus he works 12hours days, so I hardly see him.... But..I am still alone in my apartment...still alone it seem period in my life...

are you taking any meds for the depression brandy?

[CedarS]

I strongly encourage you to find another therapist. I know money is tight, is there any type of crisis hot line in your area? I've used my local one to have someone to talk to and help me sort things out, also to refer me to local mental health clinics.

I know from experience that sometimes the people we ask, and even pay, for help, just aren't helpful. But it is so worth continuing on with the quest. When I found a therapist who worked well with me, it made all the difference in the world.

Even if the helping person is just "good enough", that can be helpful right there. You can get feedback on your experiences and maybe some ideas on what to do next.

Are you on meds now? If you are, maybe you need to be switched to something else, if you are not, it is so worth a try.

Some online resources

Sarah

[Brandy]

No, I am not on any meds anymore. During my time at the hospital I was so dope up I fogot how to cry. When they release me they put me on WelBurtin (before they came up with the "it doesn't give me sexual side effects" and it was for people who were trying to quit smoking) And I quit taking the WelBurtin due to the fact it made me lose common sense, like jumping to conclusion(even though it was a natural reaction since everyone in my hometown was calling me crazy) and acting like I was the goddess strength. It was changing all the traits but the one that needed to the changing and that was my depression.. The depression, fear, and anxity was and is still here. I guess I've just had a very bad experience with doctors when it comes to my mental health.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psych central brandy. No, moving doesn't remove our problems, as they are ours to own. You need to work on this with a professional and I hope you can seek one out in your new city soon. That it has already been 2 years since you sought that solution to your problems, this means you are doing something right! I'm sorry you are still depressed... sometimes it takes medicine and psychotherapy and lots of work to figure out our habits that are causing us such torment! TC

[Brandy]

I wish things were that easie.
I just started my new job today even though it is only seasonal, I just only hope I can cope with the stress. I can't seem to find a thearpist on internet for my city. Can anyone recommend a search web site , for me to find one?

[Ryan]

Brandy,

First let me say welcome to psych central. I can't even begin to tell you how many good people there are here. People who may be now or may have been before in the same shoes you are walking in right now. Many here understand and are more than willing to help you in any way they can.

I understand what you're saying. I'm no stranger to the place you are in or the way you are feeling. Not too long ago I was living in Michigan with no family and no friends and suffering from severe bipolar disorder. Moving away from my family and friends didn't solve my problems. I must agree with sky in that moving doesn't solve problems because they are ours. For that same reason, you still feel the same way now as you did before your "attempt." I felt the same way after mine. Suicide doesn't solve the problem therefore after the attempt, the problem still exists. I think that some may SEEM to recover briefly because of the immediate care they are given. But after, when left to their own devices, many fall into the same traps they fell into before that lead them down that dark road to begin with. For many, the problem never truely goes away, but through therapy and meds (if needed), we can learn to live a happy and peaceful live in spite of the things that plague us. I am terribly sorry that you are feeling this way and even more sorry that you had a bad experience with therapy, but based on your last post, I assume that you're willing to give it another try. Dear, that can be the hardest step and you appear to be well on your way to taking that step. That's something to feel good about and I hope that you do, in fact, feel good about that. Since you are in a new area, I would suggest looking in the yellow pages. You can find many therapists in there. Before you decide on one, I would recommend researching their credentials and choosing one that you feel you would be comfortable with. One thing to remember about therapy is that, in a sense, it's like dating. Just like some people date many before finding a person that fits, you might have to try a few different therapists before finding one that meets your personal needs. Just don't give up. And if things get bad, we are here to help if we can. I wish you good luck and hope very much that things start looking up for you soon. Take care.

Ry

[CompGeek]

If you have any close friends that you could talk to now and again it might help... Also all of the people here will listen and be supportive

[CedarS]

Brandy,

Ryan's post is great and I agree, yellow pages are the best way to go.

For web search, could start with the name of your town, state, and added search terms like "mental health", along those lines.

If you are in Arkansas, they have a public mental health system in place also. Within the Arkansas Department of Health & Human Services, there is the Division of Behavioral Health Services. They contract services through 15 private, non-profit centers.

Anyway, long story short........they have several clinics, one in Texarkana at (870) 773-4655. I also see an emergency number listed:

24-hour Emergency Service /Toll Free: 1-800-652-9166

Best wishes,
Sarah

[Brandy]

I appreciate everyone encouragement and support...I wish I could take computer geek's advice... But unfornatly, the friends I did have weren't really friends. I lost contact with them shortly after I was release. The only person I talk to now really is my boyfriend who lives with me. He the only one who doesn't understand that seem to not give up on me. But he doesn't comprehend things as well since he has his own disorder. I hope while I am here I will find someone near my area to make more friends since I live right on the Arkansas and Texas boarder.

Any ways I started that new job today, it was nerve racking. Still having trouble talking to people.. Days like them make wish I was 6 years old again when the only worrie I had was if it was going to rain or not so I could go outside and play...

[(JD)]

Good wishes with the new job. Do your best Remember, others are probably just as uneasy getting to know you as you are them. (I hear you about "friends" ending up not being friends!) One step at a time... you sound like you are moving in a positive direction!

[Brandy]

In ways I'm not. I know it just in my head but I still feel so uncomfortable around strangers. The majority of people have some kind of "security blanket"... I on the other hand have a unhealthy habit that is my, which is my boyfriend. He the only one who never ask about what happen, he had heard but did not ask... It very unhealthy for me to depend on him like that.
Making friends had always been so hard for me, here it so easie because no one can see me. I can hide behinde this computer screen, but in real like I choke up, I'm not who I really am. It like living double lives.

[Ryan]

Brandy...

Congratulations on the new job. Don't let the fact that it was difficult get you down. Starting a new job is difficult. Hell, a couple months ago I went through the same thing and all I did was transfer from one office to another. Instead of feeling badly, try to recognize the fact that you made it through the day without any major mishaps. Be proud of yourself. You deserve it.

Making friends... that seems to be a problem for almost everyone here. I think that people like us tend to keep others at arms length so that they can't hurt us any more than we already hurt. But the problem with that is that in the end, we find ourselves being quite lonely. You're on the right track. Keep looking for a therapist. When you find one that you're comfortable with and begin therapy and maybe meds (if needed), you'll begin to feel better about yourself. Once you start to feel better, you won't have so much trouble talking to people. And in the meantime, if it means anything, you're doing great here. We're glad to have you.

As far as the boyfriend goes... I'm not so sure if that's as unhealthy as you think. Maybe in the sense that he's the only one you trust, but that doesn't necessarily make your relationship with him unhealthy. But if you do the therapy thing and start to feel better, I'll bet that your relationship with him will be even more rewarding. Again, I wish you the best. Take care and keep us posted on how you're doing.

Ry

[(JD)]

You might have read my posting on this, but my T keeps suggesting that when I feel like I'm pretending and feeling better and capable, versus when I am inept and incapable and non-functioning, well he says when I feel like I am pretending is the Real me... and the other is the illness.

The depression isn't suddenly gone because you tried to end your life and it. That was a bump in the road for you, for sure, but it doesn't cure depression! You have to continue with ongoing therapy and work on changing the thinking, that will change the feelings, that will change your view on life. Good wishes... it's work.