[Paige008]

I really did feel crazy.

After another restless, sleepless, night, I woke up angry and sad and mad and it felt like it was taking over my whole body. I wanted to drive my car into a sign, into a tree, something to show for everything I felt. I went home and trashed my apartment. I threw books, ripped books and journals, threw flowers in vases, put a hole in my wall with a frame. My friend came over, pushed aside the lamp, cushion, and various books and papers to get in my house. She found me with my hand pouring blood from where I'd punched and hit a glass frame. I screamed at her that I was 'not safe' and she just sat there with me. I felt so numb after it was all over. I went crazy and it scared the **** out of me. I've thrown things before when I'm mad or sad, but never to the extent that I did this weekend. I've never had those same feelings that just took over me.

Does this happen to people? Could it be the switch in meds from Paxil to Lamictal? Could it be that the trauma therapy I'm going through right now is just too much?

What do I do if this happens again? I'm scared.

(dx'd Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Mood Disorder NOS)

[Rohag]

Hello & thank you for posting this, Paige008.

Originally Posted by Paige008

Does this happen to people?

Yes. In my case, I release the violence primarily against myself, not so much against my surroundings. Nevertheless, during what I call my "major episodes," I have damaged a few small things and injured my hand. Once I backhanded a cup of coffee and still have visible stains on the CEILING as a reminder.

Originally Posted by Paige008

Could it be the switch in meds from Paxil to Lamictal? Could it be that the trauma therapy I'm going through right now is just too much?

It might be any, all, or none of those things. This is the kind of event you should bring to the attention of your caretakers as soon as possible -- give them a call, don't wait for an appointment.

[Paige008]

Thank you for your response. I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon. I'm afraid to tell her though. I don't want her to think I need a hospital. I know I need to tell her though; I'm just scared I guess.

I'm sorry that you've felt this way.

I hear you on the stains though. The post-rage clean up took a few hours yesterday. I guess that's the price you pay, eh? My cats seem to be very preoccupied with the hole in the wall though. I'll have to fix that up before my landlord sees.

Thank you for telling me I'm not alone. If you don't mind me asking, are our diagnoses the same or similar?

[Rohag]

Hello!

Originally Posted by Paige008

If you don't mind me asking, are our diagnoses the same or similar?

Major Depression + Generalized Anxiety Disorder (etc.) here. I posted a description of one of my "major episodes" last year. It's a little different from what you described, but we've commonalities.

My psychiatrist knows about my episodes and we keep close track of them. Although I'm on meds (antidepressants and a mood stabilizer), unfortunately the best preventative has been social isolation. I'm stress-intolerant and have a low startle threshold.

No one has yet suggested hospitalization for me. I have too little advance warning before an "episode" (seconds).

[Paige008]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Again, I'm sorry that you have a story at all!

Social isolation? I would hope that mine does not take that turn. I work at large facility with lots of customers. I think my episodes are more from past anger, like things I haven't dealt with before, you know? Maybe I've just kept them inside for so long that now I'm going to blow.

Are 'rages' or episodes like this normal for people with depression and anxiety? I'm slightly concerned that it could mean a different diagnosis.

[justjoanie]

I don't know about it being the meds switch Paige, but yes, I've gone crazy like that before. I was angry, actually pissed off at everyone and everything, when in fact, nobody had done anything to anger me. It was just something in my brain, I guess.
I went on my front porch, and threw everything out into the yard, punched my front door, screamed at everyone that had the nerve to even look at me, then barricaded myself in my room.
So, I know that out of control feeling. It's so scary, especially when you look back on it the next day.
You're not alone Paige. I'm here any time you need to talk.
Hugs to you,


JJ

[Tivity]

I've gone crazy too, but mine was over a severl month period. I went from not drinking to drinking every night, sleeping with who ever and cutting myself. I even made someone watch while did it.

Looking back it is scary, but you're not out of the ordinary concentrate on getting better and know we're all here for you

[Paige008]

Since my major crazy throwing session, I haven't damaged anything else, but I have wanted to. I can feel the anger in my stomach and then rise up in my chest - it almost takes over.

I did tell my therapist about what I did and about how it scared me. She said we need a safe plan for what I should do if I get that way again. I don't really want to tell her I've felt it again though. It sucks to feel so out of control.

When I was driving my car, I was going just inches away from walls and poles and then moving at the last second, even making the 'BAM' noise as I did it. I knew what I was doing wasn't normal, but I couldn't stop it.

You all are right, it's such an awful feeling. It's comforting, in a way, to hear that other's have experienced this, but I'm sorry that you've had to.

Originally Posted by justjoanie

I'm here any time you need to talk.

I may just take you up on this sometime!

[Paige008]

I just got a call from my therapist that she's cancelling today's session. That means I won't see her until Tuesday next week. I'm scared of the weekend.

[ladyjrnlist]

Try to do calming things and when you start to feel the rage, try deep breathing or meditation. If all else fails, beat pillows and throw plastic dishes.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Paige008

I'm scared of the weekend.

Paige008, can you forecast which parts of the weekend may carry the greatest risk for meltdowns?

[Paige008]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Paige008, can you forecast which parts of the weekend may carry the greatest risk for meltdowns?

I'm not sure. I feel like when I'm at work I can control or suppress my anger or rage, what have you. I've had a busy week and haven't been alone on the weeknights yet. Without having therapy, I worry that all the pushed down surpressed stuff is going to come out this weekend.

A friend asked me to spend the weekend with her for a fun mini-getaway, but I'm so afraid that I'll lose it. She's the one that found me last week, maybe she's worried about the same thing, like she's hesitant to ask me to go because she's afraid I'll lose it again. So now I'm afraid that she's afraid that I'll lose control added into my own fears.

But, if I stay home by myself all weekend and hole up in my house, I'm more likely to lose control because there's no one there to see. The downside is that then there's no one there to pull me back in either.

I know I'm doing this to myself. I'm so afraid of losing control that I'm causing myself to lose control with my own fears. I wish I could explain it better, but I can't really.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't keep posting about all this nonsense.