Failure

Hi. I'm relatively new here. I'm Maddie, 21, from Egypt. I'm just gonna repost what I wrote on my blog cuz I don't have any energy to write it all again...




Every time I get into a phase in my life, lately, I either end it before it starts or quit once I start lacking. It's become a vicious cycle.

Here I am, once again, contemplating to abandon something I've been doing, due to a slight rise in anxiety from my exceptional lateness, which then just makes me more late because...I become more anxious. No wonder why I suck at university.

I feel crippled and debilitated by the smallest amounts of fear and anxiety, it disgusts me. Literally disgusts me. Then that disgust becomes the shovel for a bigger hole I'd dug for myself.

You know what. It really doesn't help to talk to anybody about this. Beating me while I'm down, is the pity others afflict upon me. That just further reminds me of what a failure I am. It doesn't help not to talk to anybody either.

I feel like I'm spiraling down a tornado. You know what's funny, I'm actually quite mentally healthy the first half of the time. I'm always ignoring negativity towards my plans and very determined. I get all excited and prepared. All blown up. Till I deflate. I'm starting to wonder if this is hormone related (which is impossible in my mind, because of how my dad blames all my mom's anger at him on *rolls eyes*) or Bi-Polar Disorder. How else can you explain that I'm perfectly fine at some times and then others I'm ****ING ****?

Sorry about that...carrying on...

I'm probably the worst employee an employer could hire. The worst friend someone can rely on. The worst student a teacher can expect from. I'm just a bag of good ideas and good intentions. But rarely deliver. Wow. I might as well put that in my CV and cut the ********.

Why does this happen to me? It's not like I want it this way! It feels like I'm walking in a park and someone takes a bat and hits me right on the back of my knees.
You know, my last therapist took the liberty to use his sessions to point out how I should just DO. Well ...listen up...It ain't that easy. Nor does my fiancée really understand either. He means well when he tells me I can do better than this, and that I shouldn't let things affect me or whatever...but that "mars" talk don't translate for me. He does however, know how to make me feel better with the right attitude.

Here I lay again in my self-dug hole.

I have a similar assumptions of my life and what goes on in it.
anxiety is a real bummer, like flicking a match into kero.
I try ignore it joke at it and tease it the anxiety, it works sometimes.
You shouldnt be so hard on yourself as to say you would be the worst friend anyone could have though.(i couldnt imagine you are a serial killer or carrier of the most infectious strain of virus known to man).
take care, I hope tommorow is easier on you
xxx

Aww thank you so much for replying. Tease the anxiety...hmm thats new! How do you do that?

Hello, unr3achable1tch. Your profile lists some serious concerns. Are you in a safe relationship now?

You say talking about how you feel does not help. Have you talked to a professional?

Depression is such an insidious illness. Therapy and medications are treatment tools. Maybe you should consider using them?

Perhaps a professional will help you reach that itch?

Hello, Unr3achable1tch!
Are you my sister?
This is an excellent bit of self-knowledge. If you are more of an Idea Person than an Action Person, then you could easily benefit from becoming a part of a team including Action People. I hope you can find others who complement your traits.

In time, may you spend less and less time in that hole.

@ thebyzantine i dont remember whats in my profile here, but what did u find that sounds serious?
Yes i am in a safe relationship. Im engaged and very happy with him.

Ive already seen 3 psychiatrists last year and ive been on several medications that have not helped, at times worsened my depression but supressed my panic attaks. They also made my hair thin horribly and i gained ten pounds despite the same portihons. Sorry for mispells, using mobile device.

@rohag
No i dun think rso lol.
I thought of that. But i wasnt always like this , i think. Its just the anxiety and depression.

hey its kinda like the bogey man, and I'm like you cant hurt me I dont believe in you your not real, or Ill be at the supermarket and get an anxiety symptom and il think pfff is that all you got, listen anxiety your getting weak in your old age.
spose I put myself in situations which i know have been difficult in the past,
Its all a learning thing trial and error, I guess ive hjad a low self opinion for a long length of time, for instance confrontation is a big grey area for me, thats what Im focussing on at the moment, just got to be careful to find the balance with that one lol hehehe...
have a good day
whatever your up too
xxx

Now that is some excellent advice. I treat anxiety the same way. If you give the anxiety an inch, it will take 10 miles. I suffered for years with anxiety, to the point where I had to force myself to leave my apartment because I was pretty much at the point of agoraphobia. I finally got so fed up with being a slave to my panic attacks that I adopted the attitude OneRiffTooMany described.

Good luck to you, ur3achable1itch.

Ooo thank you! Im going to try this

Hey guys, I know it's been a lonnnnnng time since I've posted anything on this forum, but I wanted to thank you all again for taking your time to reply to my thread and care . I can't say im all better now, i still have anxiety and depression but I'm not gonna give up on kicking their asses lol.