[Distressed2010]

I am trying to figure out why whenever I hear a model/celebrity/writer/anyone successful commits suicide, why it bothers me?

I will be a struggling actor and yes I have had suicidal thoughts SOMETIMES only when I'm feeling depressed but i tell myself this will lift and I don't want to die, I just want a better life.

When I see someone has ended their life, it reminds me of the time last year when I had a mental breakdown and then my bf betrayed me and I had no one to turn to but back to my bf. I had a mental breakdown as it was the last straw that broke the camel's back after having a tough childhood with emotional and SA. My bf also would invalidate my feelings call me illogical and delusional and never ever compliment me on anything, RARELY ever. And I know I'm smart, I'm very intelligent, I'm also pretty but he'd never say anything nice like that. I started losing my mind and wondering if I truly was intelligent, smart, or pretty.

He also protected the girl he cheated on me with and got very abusive, infact both of them got very abusive. Then he told me she was way more mature than me because she doesn't throw tantrums and cry and say she feels like ending her life. He would be there for me but then say the meanest things ever.

He also called the cops on me when I told him I don't feel like living but I wasn't attempting suicide, maybe I was just calling for help and he wasn't being helpful, he was making it worse. Then a cop came and just asked me if i was committing suicide, and i said no, and then he took my bf outside and told him I had BDP.

After my bf spoke to the cop, he said he can't be there for me anymore because I have BDP and he's researched it and he feels I have it too.

But I didn't have it. I discussed it with my therapist. I don't threaten ANYONE that i'm going to commit suicide. I don't want to commit suicide but when the pain intensifies I just imagine it in my head as an escape.

I'm not seeing a therapist right now.

I want to know why when I see someone successful especially a model/actor (I'm going to be a struggling actor and I'm very scared to get lonely and commit suicide..), why do I get really depressed when I see someone committed suicide? Am I scared it might happen to me? Please share your views, thanks!

Also when i see someone committed suicide, it reminds me of this time with my BF and I almost relive it all over again...

[mudgey]

I don't really have any advice. But I wonder this......I'm not suicidal, but somedays I don't want to be here anymore. I do SI on occasion when things are really tough, but I don't want to die. Dying actually scares me and just causes anxiety over that.

I can understand though why you kind of relate to the model/actor committing suicide though. You are struggling to be what they have . It is hard to realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side though, even when that is what we want. So for someone that has what you want and then kills themselves, it is frustrating. Does that make sense or am I rambling?! I know that having money and being successful isn't always great, but I'm thinking it has to be better than not having money and being successful!

Good Luck with the acting/modeling. I hope you aren't with your BF anymore. Doesn't sound healthy at all. You are better off alone than being verbally or physically abused. And no one understands if they don't live inside our emotional state. My husband is great, but sometimes he just doesn't understand. You have to have someone that is willing to get thru the rough and good. We all go between the two quickly sometimes!

[Xacatecas]

I know exactly how you feel, except that suicide doesn't bother me nearly so much.

At the end of the day its your life and noone should be telling us how to live it because it might hurt people around you, its emotional blackmail and a degree of slavery.

Why should i have to hurt all the time to spare everyone else from thinking about me? - the opposite should be true as well, i shouldnt have to hurt.

I agree with mudgey, your boyfriend sounds like a jerk but sometimes knowing that on an intellectual level doesn't help emotionally. I still miss Sandra every moment of every day despite the fact that she treated me like **** and threw me away when she didn't need me any more

Hello

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. I hope everything goes okay for you. I've had times where I felt like I didn't want to be here but really, I just want to escape from my problems. I hope your not with your boyfriend because he doesn't sound nice. And plus he cheated... That is out of order. You may need the freedom and time to be able to breathe and not having to suffer with your boyfriend causing you grief.