[Music Rules Me]

"Reality is negotiable" - Tim Ferriss
I often feel that my imaginations are real. You may call them hallucinations, but i believe that it is perhaps the real world, rather than that which we live in, which is possibly fake. This is why the quote is relevant

Also, i feel the need to say, I dont believe in love. I believe that it is an illusion. Yet I still get crushes on people. I say that I also have no sexual desires so should be asexual, but am not (although, thats not true, i just cant show my body to anyone - scars all over the place and scab-spot-blister things on my breasts). The reason I feel the need to say this is that I thought that "love" would cure me before, which it did not. There was no love, just lust and selfishness, which is all now broken entirely.

This is an email I sent the other day to an online helper (a bit like samaritains, but less well known):

Hello.
I don't really know how to start this. It's been quite a while since I last tried to find help.
I feel very scared about...nothing I suppose. I can't pinpoint a reason, because there doesn't seem to be one.
Then I feel so very guilty. I have this neverending suffocating blunt kind of guilt which is just general guilt, for no reason.
But then I get another type of guilt which is caused by things I have no control over/wasn't even a part of. For example, when I was at college the other week, my dad went shopping and bought things on the self service checkouts. He didnt realise that note change comes out a different place to coin change, so he left a £5 note behind. I got told about this a few days later, and felt so guilty I couldn't move, i just had to curl up for a while.
And then there's the guilt that I get so often that really is my fault. When my parents give me money for lunch, or buy me things. When I fail at things and let down my parents. I'm their only child, so when I mess up, it means that all of their children are failures.
I feel that there isn't much point in my life. I'm never going to do anything, so there's no point in me. I just feel worthless and hopeless and that there isn't any point in trying. This gets in the way of my college work sometimes. And I know that the teachers are right, and it's just me being lazy, but it's really hard to even try if there's no point.
I'm not considering suicide. I've tried and failed several times, just ending up very ill. Now it just seems like more of a hassle than staying alive. I mean, it would cost my parents so much for everything after death, and maybe someone would feel sad. So no, I don't want to die. I just wished that I never existed.
I'm just not worth anything. I'm not clever, talented, musical, athletic, pretty, thin, artistic, funny, friendly. I can't concentrate. I can't control my imagination. I can't do anything. I'm nothing. I'm just a massive piece of meat covered in disgusting scars.
It's been this way for over 6 years now. None of my friends or family know. I can't go to the doctors because it scares me. I tried talking to the college counciller, but I just ended up humiliated and crying talking about the past, and getting nothing really out of it. Perhaps it was because after the session when I got asked if I thought I was depressed, I never went back. Because I can't be depressed. I have nothing to be depressed about. My family life is good, my friends are good, I've got pretty much everything I could ever need or want. It's so selfish of me to feel this way.
I just don't know what to do. I've asked for help online so many times, but it's always the same things "Go to your doctor", "Tell your parents", "Tell your family", and I know you'll say the same things because that's what I should do. But I just can't.
I can't burden my friends with anything. They have their own big issues to deal with. So big that they ask for help - they truly need it most.
I can't tell my parents. They don't believe in mental illness, comfort eating, etc. And then they'd blame themselves, and it's not their fault.
I'm just so stuck.
And look at me, I'm rude. I never even asked how you were. I'm really very sorry. How are you?
Don't worry about getting back to me. It's okay. There are more important things to deal with. Just thanks for even reading this. Sorry for the length of it too.
Bekki xxx

Now I'm very stuck. I didnt get on my uni course. I felt bad then found a college course for a year so I could apply to uni the next year (even with the higher rates). Then I found that you couldnt do that cours without a year in a crummy course beforehand. So now I feel so stuck that i almost am considering suicide again. But before that, self harm (i havent in months....it's hard to stay strong right at this moment).

I know I really need help but I dont know how i can. I cant tell parents, family or friends (see above, letter thing), but I cant go to the doctors on my own. Gah!

Sorry for the waste of time, even more so than usual. This has gotten to be a bit long. xxx

[online user]

Not a waste of time! You sound like a very valuable person--you are considerate of your family and friends and concerned about them and your future. Hope you will feel brave enough to write a note to your doctor, take it in and let the doctor read it and see if you can get some help. Might be meds could help you feel better, if it's not life' circumstances that are getting you down. Do write again and let us know how you are doing.

PS. And I'm fine, thank you! Today, anyways, and that's how I take things, one day at a time.

[Rohag]

"I refuse to accept your reality, and substitute my own."
-- Adam Savage of the TV program "Mythbusters"

Guilt gets me. That is, guilt - usually unfounded - grabs me whenever my deep depressive apathy allows it. I've posted about it before. Maybe there's something there for you.

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

...I can't be depressed. I have nothing to be depressed about. My family life is good, my friends are good, I've got pretty much everything I could ever need or want. It's so selfish of me to feel this way.

I know debate surrounds the whole subject of depression, but my distinct, unprofessional observation is that depression needs no "reason".

Music Rules Me, your family life may be good, but it would be better if your loved ones had made you feel confident in approaching them about anything without fear of causing disappointment. You, however, had no control over that.

I hope you get a good response to your email. Based on your post, reaching out (there and here) wasn't the easiest thing for you to do. I applaud you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

As the parent of a child battling depression I can tell you this, it would break my heart to think of him going through so much pain alone.
As to the scars, it is initially scary when a doc sees them, but my doc was actually very supportive. It gave me a sense of relief and security.
One more thing from a parents perspective...trial and failure are part of the learning process...all I expect from my children when they make a mistake is that they learn from it and all I want for my children is for them to find happiness - no matter where it is.
Hang in there...times are tough right now...you are stronger than you know!

[Can't Stop Crying]

One more thing, my son thinks he has nothing to be depressed about also. No one knows exactly where depression comes from but chemical balances in the brain play a big part. Just because you don't think you have a reason to be depressed, doesn't mean your depression isn't real!

[disguise123]

you (and i mean this in the kindest way- please dont think me harsh) have a very negative view of yourself. Now im not gonna tell you to tell your parents or go to a doc. You have said you cant and i will accept that. Do you know much about cbt? Cognitive behavioural therepy? Get online. See if you can find examples that you would be willing to try in your own life. Your negative self talk may not be the big issue here, but its not helping. Do you want to change? Because you can
You are obviously a beautiful soul.
You just need to look at what you have written here from an outsiders perspective.
Have you got someone , anyone who can support you, that you are willing to turn too about all this?
You need to learn to see that you are worthy of help.
Xxxxxxxx

[littleyellowspider]

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

I tried talking to the college counciller, but I just ended up humiliated and crying talking about the past, and getting nothing really out of it. Perhaps it was because after the session when I got asked if I thought I was depressed, I never went back. Because I can't be depressed. I have nothing to be depressed about. My family life is good, my friends are good, I've got pretty much everything I could ever need or want. It's so selfish of me to feel this way.

It's not selfish at all for you to feel this way. Depression is no one's fault and sometimes it just happens for no reason. You should never feel selfish because you are depressed. Also you very obviously worry about other people and how they feel so you aren't selfish.

I would recommend seeing the counselor at your school again. I've been seeing on at my school and it was awkward and uncomfortable at first but it takes more than one visit to get something out of it. Don't ever feel bad about posting how you feel here. The people here are so nice and someone is always willing to help. you can message me at anytime.

[swatty]

I can completely identify with your feelings and i was stubborn as a mule with my repeated suicide attempts which did more harm than good. My feelings lasted for years and i thought i would never grow out of this feeling of wanting to die and that made me different from the average suicidal person.

Time has a way of bringing change thats even docs pumping one full of drugs wont achieve. I feel a bit hypocritical when i get pangs of intense desire to end it all. When there nothing to really end at all because my life is pathetic. But my depression has grown and changed with me and although the feelings come and go you have to come thru the adolescant years before deciding a huge factor like that.

I've been in and out of hospital in my 23 years of life for suicidal behaviour, but YOU HAVE taken the first step in coming here. Speaking as a layperson I would advise you to talk to your doc on a suitable medication and give it a trial - theres something that works for everyone.

The bottom line is you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Sometimes friends and family dont know the right thing to say and can make things worse. Medication worked for me and it changed me and my thoughts - changed my very person and to so many ive spoken too it has changed them also.
I applaud you on taking this first leap, take a second and see a pro. - you can only go up from here.

I wish you all the best,
Take care,
X