[kebsfroggy]

Upon leaving my pdocs office this a.m., I found myself wondering, after all these years. . .
Have I finally learned the right answers to the questions
or
Has he finally learned how to ask the questions

Were I to mention my feelings, promises would have to be made. If I voiced my pain, treatment options or hospitalization would have to be discussed. Instead my prescriptions were refilled, my next month’s appointment made and nothing has changed.

Here I am, living in a vacuum of nothingness surrounded by sadness and worthlessness. Hoping my sobs and tears will wash away the sorrow that has become a part of my being. Thoughts racing, books filled with drawings, writing, words, ideas. Often staring endlessly, totally oblivious to the passage of time.

Evenings can't come fast enough, taking pills to find the peace of sleep. Mornings I waken wondering why another day. To mask the pain of living pills are taken throughout the day.
Always the same never ending cycle.

Why bother
kebs

[lavieenrose]

((((((kebsfroggy))))))) I know the feeling of nothing changing despite many years of trying all sorts of things, and I understand the resulting sense of futility, despair. Speaking only for myself, I fall easily into "autopilot" of negative thoughts and beliefs, which trigger the negative emotions, particularly hopelessness, confusion about direction, and paralysis.It requires some mental energy to confront the part of my illness that's generated by negative beliefs. Sometimes, that's more mental agility than I possess in that moment. I'm trying to see that in between those horrible states, there are moments that are worthwhile. It may not seem like much, but it contradicts the beliefs that it's all awful, all the time.

I'm not at all minimizing your struggle, your pain, which is quite real. I wish you strength to manage, and wish healing for you too.

[online user]

Wow, kebsfroggy--how articulate and sensitive you are! I can feel your pain, coming through the screen; your descriptions are so vivid and poetic. Wish there were something I do to ease your sorrows. All I can do is tell you I was pleased to be able to read what you shared, as it is expressed so well and so uniquely. It would be my wish that you continue to post how you are doing on life's journey, and that you have some happier moments and thoughts ahead of you--SOON! Please continue to make the effort for those of us around you, who might learn from you or enjoy what you have to offer. I'd love to see more of your drawings. Please accept my best wishes and hopes for you, for a happier tomorrow.

[Rohag]

Friend of great heart and many sorrows, I am inadequate to cheering you. My experience of depression differs significantly from yours. You cannot escape the sadness; I cannot revive my dead will.

Who can blame you for how you feel? My doctors seem good only for keeping me alive. Really, is that good enough? I don't know, and I have little ability to care.

Oh, that I could give you back even a few memories! All I can do, though, is post my subjective affirmation: You have mattered. You do matter.

[pgrundy]

I think you should be honest with your pdoc and tell him exactly what you are feeling just as you wrote it here (and very eloquently too!) Yes treatment options will then come up and possible hospitalization might be discussed, but how can you feel better if you keep how you feel to yourself or just share it with anonymous strangers?

I know living with depression can feel like a long road going nowhere, but many, many people with this illness have to keep changing up their meds and trying new approaches. Some of us have a treatment resistant form of the disease and need more help and more ongoing support than others. What is the alternative? Accepting unending misery--and you deserve better!

Good luck to you and god bless. I can certainly relate to how you feel now. I hope you will reach out to a professional and try to address it, even though you are so right--it can be a colossal pain in the you know what.

[pegasus]

(((((((( Kebsfroggy )))))))))

We haven't spoken to each other for some time and I am sorry for that. I so admire you for fighting on and also for being able to express the written word so well. I urge you to make another appointment with your Doc, tell him/her how it really is. I don't like to see you suffer so.

[thine_self_untrue]

((((((((Kebsfroggy))))))))

[Sunna]

((((Kebsfroggy))))
Aye, you've turned into a poet of sadness.
I think I know how you feel with not telling the doc truth. You know the drill, so why bother, because you've been there and here you are, and nothing's changed. And I am sorry if it feels like such a circle of hopelessness and it's only feeding the depression further.

I am sorry if what follows offends, but I believe this to be true: ultimately no one can help you against your will. Perhaps there is a part of you that knows dealing with symptoms is never going to solve the issue. It keeps the pharmaceutical company happy, it keeps your doctors paid, and you'll just keep coming for more. Perhaps that part is dissatisfied with what's been done to really help you. And I would suggest that that part is the part that has your higher good as its goal. Maybe there is some suggestion hidden there, some knowledge of one step you can take in a direction of healing, not pill popping status-quo.

I am not suggesting for you to throw away your pills or fire your doc. Not at all. Please don't. Right now you need them. But maybe think of yourself one day living without depression, without the pills, without the doctors. Dare to think it is possible. Perhaps there is something you can do today, some slight shift in your attitude toward yourself?

When I was depressed being depressed FELT like self-love (a bitter-sweet, mostly bitter "poor me" flavor, yet still it was caring). I believed it was the only self-love I was capable of at the time, and unfortunately it trapped me there. I fended off the "voice" that knew what's better for me with "I can't! I am so depressed, I can't possibly go out and enjoy sunlight" (while I knew damn well my depression is light sensitive, flares up in winter months). There was no monumental effort, no earth-shattering moment of AHA!, I just one sunny day dragged myself very reluctantly out and made myself walk in my neighborhood, then few days later I did it again. Perhaps what helped me more was connecting and learning to listen a bit more that part of me that I refer to when I say "dragged" than the part that felt "reluctant".

And to answer your question of "Why bother?" For you, you wonderful little froggy. For you! You are worth all your bother.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( kebs ))))))))))))))))

[sadsimon]

Kebsfroggy,


I’m so sorry for your pain. You expressed it so eloquently.
I feel as you do, I sometimes can’t see how I can carry on much longer. How do we bear it?
Sometimes I want to scream. Rage against everything, but you end up just getting more and more depressed. Negative thoughts multiply and your mood become so tenebrific that you think you might just go mad.
Trying to explain to someone about the cyclic nature of treatment options is remarkably frustrating.
You get a pill. How much good is it doing? Would you be worse off without it?
You talk to a councillor. Do they understand? Have they ever felt as you do?
Hospital, frightening thought! Last thing you want is to loose your freedom!
You try to talk to friends or family. Standard response:- “Why are you so worried about that? Why worry about what might happen in the future?” Or my personal favourite “ There’s more important things to worry about?” ( thanks, I’ll worry about those too now!)
I don’t know what the solution is, but there must be one somewhere.
Maybe if people like yourself, who express their angst so succinctly, could be heard and really listened to in the appropriate medical circles, then things might change.
Maybe better public knowledge of the horror of mental health problems would also help. I can’t offer you any real solace save to say that you are obviously an intelligent, decent individual, and that counts for so much in this world.
I wish you all the best. Please keep fighting!

[kebsfroggy]

Thank you all for your hugs, kind words and support.

After re-reading my post I may have given the impression I'm a pill popping momma. I'm not. After (at last count) over 76 different psych drugs and ECT treatments, I take only 5 meds (4 on a regular basis).

Rohag mentioned the memory loss. I have a 26 yr old son, I cannot remember other than for a few snippets. Imagine walking in your front door and not knowing where you are. Where is the kitchen, which way to the bedroom. You need to relearn most everything... spell, reading, writing. Forget numbers, 2+2 is more than you can handle.

I use to walk a mile a day. Now my spinal stenosis and degenerated discs reduce most of my physical activity to taking codeine and morphine when the pain becomes too much. There aren't needles fine enough to inject steroids any longer.

There's a theory that once you have an established life style it is difficult to imagine a different way of life.

So again I say, why bother.

[turquoisesea]

((((Kebs)))))

It's good to see you. I haven't in a while, I'm sorry if I've missed your postings. Regardless, really good to see your name. I don't know all of your situation but I do remember some, and I think I can respond to the last bit:

There's a theory that once you have an established life style it is difficult to imagine a different way of life.

So again I say, why bother.

This reminds me of some reading I had to do for a class I'm taking. Here's the quote that struck me today, from Precarious Life by Judith Butler:

Perhaps... one mourns when one accepts that by the loss one undergoes one will be changed, possibly forever. Perhaps mourning has to do with agreeing to undergo a transformation (perhaps one should say submitting to a transformation) the full result of which one cannot know in advance.

You have lost so much. Depression in general takes away so much from all of us - so much happiness and joy, gone! You've lost your old lifestyle, the ability to take the walks you enjoy so much. And now this change is being forced upon you. I think this quote applies because it describes that this CHANGE is happening, what you're going through is kind of like mourning. The thing is change is not an end... change is BOTH and end AND a new beginning.

So I think it's worth the bother. Its worth trying to change for the better, to transform into something new even though we don't know what it is yet



I'm wondering - someone suggested you print out your post about how you're feeling about your medications. I know medications have been problematic for you (or I should say getting the right set of meds has been seemingly impossible), but I do think it's a good idea. It could help