Drowning

I constantly feel that I am drowning in my own despair. I feel like I am worthless and that I do not have enough redeeming qualities to continue living. I feel like I am a waste of Earth's precious resources and that my life is very vain.

I find I am becoming everything I hate in people. I have become selfish, spoiled and bratty instead of growing to become mature and self-sufficient. I am tired of trying to justify my actions and my mood swings to myself and to others when I know that there is just no reason for it.

I am upset with myself. I recently have not been motivated at all, I missed two months worth of college and I know I wont be able to catch up. I am disappointed in myself and ashamed to tell my family. Has anyone else been through this type of event? I know my college program isn't my ideal career, but I have no idea what my ideal career is. Well I know what I'd love to do, but to begin would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, but I am already over ten thousand dollars in debt because of school. I rushed into college and now I feel like a failure. It is eating at my core and anyone I try to talk to about it either ignores me or falls asleep.

I don't know so much that I want to die, but I don't think I deserve to live. I feel like I am weak and I hate it, I hate feeling like I don't have the will to simply do the things I and other expect of me. I will never meet the expectations on my shoulders and I am tired of climbing.

Hi Smacky,
I have heard these same words from my husband, he has major depression/anxiety/OCD. He has that feeling of worthlessness also, even though to others he is extremely valuable. I love him and have for over 30 years. He is in counseling now and he has learned that he like you gets his own value from the things he accomplishes instead of who he is. Therefore if he isn't sucesseful or accomplishing anything he doesn't feel he deserves to live. It's more complicated than that of course as I'm sure it is with you. But that is at least part of it. Try to change your thinking to you being worthy just for you. Don't let school, career, or other externals define your worth. You mention your family, reach out to them. If I was your mom I would want to know what you are going through. Chances are someone in your family has struggled too. They may be able to help. Swim to the surface, let the sun shine on your face, let that be enough for now. You are a miracle and I can tell from your post that you are very smart and thoughtful, you are not a waste of life in my book!

Hi Smacky ~ What is it that you WOULD love to do? What is your heart's desire?? It may NOT be unattainable. Don't give up on it so quickly. If it's something that you have always wanted to do, why not see if you can do it??

You know, you're trying to define yourself by your illness, school, your expectations (which might be a bit too high). Those things don't define YOU. YOU are intelligent, caring, considerate, kind, etc. Of COURSE you deserve to live!! God put you here for a reason, and God doesn't make junk!! It's up to you to figure out what God's reason for you being here is. Sometimes it take awhile -- and sometimes we figure it out quite quickly.

I think you're just overwhelmed with emotions right now, and everything is coming down on you all at once. If you don't have a therapist, it would be good to get one. If there's a therapist on campus, please talk with him. If you can financially manage it, get a therapist off campus. Either way, it will do you good to speak with one. You won't regret it.

God bless you ~ I really hope you'll talk with one . And let us know how you make out. We really care. Hugs, Lee

These two things are connected. The first is your depression speaking, keeping you down so that you aren't motivated. Then, the not being motivated makes you believe the first statement.

If life was a computer game, no one would play it. There often isn't enough reward, and reward is something that anyone who makes a game devotes a lot of thought to. We have to make our own rewards so that we can encourage and motivate ourselves.

I think that the entire world has this false idea that punishment is a motivator, and it's a complete lie. Be easy on yourself. It's the only way.

I hope that made sense and helped a little bit...

Nice! So true. I am in love with how you said this.

Thanks guys, you're advise is amazingly great. I've decided to leave school, no matter what my family throws at me, and find a therapist and get to work on sorting out myself (I was depressed before school started) before deciding to return to school.

I thought I would love to own a hunting lodge, but after talking with my dad about it I'm starting to think that it might be way too much pressure.

I also would love to own/create/open a canine boutique where I would offer grooming, sale and breeding of puppies, and of course canine merchandise like food, toys, books ect. I also would love to utilize what I've learned from my Graphic Design course to create little dog shirts with like fun graphics or sayings on them. Maybe even offer training classes (I'm pretty awesome at teaching puppies the basics, maybe I would offer like a few weeks training included with puppy purchase?) I think it would be amazing.

Perhaps I'll apply for a dog grooming course, I'm sure by the end of summer I should be stable enough to handle that. I hope.
Even if I don't open a business for it, I can groom dogs from my home

Sounds like a good plan..remember, one step at a time. Hang in there!

So I withdrew from my program today. I can return any January to finish it if I ever feel the need. I don't regret it, however, I'm afraid of the repercussions from my family. My grandmother is going to literally KILL me and the rest of them are going to be genuinely upset and disappointed.

I know I've failed their expectations for now, but I'm just trying to do whats best for me, right? I don't want to spend another 10 grand on a program I don't enjoy that is peaking my stress levels because I feel guilty for not going.

When we have a job that we love -- that is so much better than trying to survive with one we hate. If we are trying to survive coping with severe depression while doing something we hate than it is going to make our depression so much worse. Change can be stressful so be very gentle with yourself and keep seeking needed support. ((())) Patricia