Life.

I wish my life was easy. Like nothing bad ever happened to me. But it could never be like that, could it? I wish the past could just fade away from my memory. Everyday I spend hoping that big cloud of sadness would just leave me. With all the past, and everything that happened it makes me wish I was dead. I would be better off anyways, I can’t handle this depression I have, it will never go away. It always has to come back and ruin all my effort to get rid of it. All I want is someone I can talk to, but no one ever listens to what I say or would ever listen anyways. I’m trying so hard to get better and live my life but everyday is just so hard. I admit that some days are better than others, but when the harder days come it feels like I’m walking in quick sand, no matter how hard I struggle I keep sinking deeper and deeper. I know they say that going through the stuff I’ve been through only makes you stronger but all I feel is weak and frail. All alone like a piece of garbage in the ditch, unwanted and uncared for. But when something like this happens it reminds me of everything I’ve lost, my cat, my dogs, my self-respect, my entire life.. No matter how far it is in the past it still hurts as if it was yesterday. And I fear those feelings I have will never go away. Some times I wish I was back to where nothing happened, going on my adventures with Belle, or cuddling with Oscar. Slowly I’m loosing my entire memory of them. I can’t remember how they smelt or how they looked, all I can remember is what I’ve seen in pictures and small memories. I fear I will never have closure with them. And even with the assault. I still remember that day and the mistakes I’ve made to deserve what happened. How I will never get that face out of my head. But what makes me sad the most it that no one sits down and ask me, hey are you okay? or I’m here to talk if you ever need me. I would simply say, no. But no one ever asks that, it only makes the cloud heavier. I know I’m seeing a counsellor but she never asks anything like that, it’s all about the voice. But honestly, I think the voice was really me. That it was me telling me to end my life, and I almost did, but on days like this, I wish I did. I know that sounds really bad and I fear death but what do I got to loose anyways? I’ve already lost enough. And everyday I pray to God to give me strength to keep going. I don’t know how to get rid of this pain. All I want is someone to talk to. But I guess it’s safe to say that life is never easy or fair, is it?

*hugs* sorry you are feeling so low, maybe talking to your therapist about some of these feelings could help - he/she may be focusing on the voice because its what you bring to session, and it's a difficult thing to deal with

I have really bad depression sometimes and feel your pain. Sending you gentle ((hugs))
Patricia

We here all have been there and can relate to you!! I hope things get better. Sorry for all the pain you are in. Wish I could take it away.....

You've been assaulted? Let me tell you - it's NEVER your fault!

I've been assaulted twice. Once by someone I knew and the second was random and was robbed after. The first time was 20 years ago, and the second time was 17 years ago.

It does get better, but never really goes away. But you have to - HAVE to stop blaming yourself. You don't deserve what happened! You didn't cause it.

I am here if you need me. I can empathize.

Im so sorry, I really thought things were better than that or at least getting better, but you can always talk to me. I know I ***** and lecture just remind me and ill keep an open mind and comfort you and help you as much as I can

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and also sorry that you haven't felt listened to. Do you talk to your therapist about the assaults? Because if you don't feel comfortable talking to this therapist about it maybe you could find another therapist that would listen better.

I can also relate to being assaulted. I don't know what yours was like but I was raped when I was 17...and I did blame myself for a long time afterwards, and think I did something wrong to deserve it. It has taken me over 5 years to realize that I didn't deserve that...I didn't do anything to deserve it, and you didn't either-even though you may blame yourself and think you did. It wasn't your fault!

Please talk to your therapist or someone you trust, or PM me. Killing yourself is never a good option, and even though it feels like the pain will never go away now, THERE IS HOPE! there are options and there is a way to heal...you may have to feel and go through the pain, but there are people around you who care about you that can help you go through it.

I'm thinking of you and hoping you get through this. One day at a time. Just get through today, and then we'll worry about tomorrow, and the next.

Yesterday was a hard day, a little girl at my school who is in grade 2 died on the weekend and everyone was crying, so was I. So it was a pretty emotional day yesterday, roller coaster of emotions. I wrote the post because that's how I feel and think at times like those. I showed my dad this and he told me to check up with him atleast once a day, just to talk. But truth is I just it was easier for me to talk to people, cause I have like lots of questions or things to say but I just don't know how to bring it up.
But other than having my small slip up yesterday I'm back to myself, thanks for all the support y'all, it helps to know people care for you

It is so good to have a safe place to just vent at times. You are cared for and I'm glad you were able to share and just get it out.
Sending you very gentle (()) - Patricia