[justfloating]

I didn't go to class today. It's almost 1pm and I haven't even gotten out of bed. I could, if I wanted to. I could FORCE myself to do it. I could turn up. I probably wouldn't pay attention but at least I'd be there and that'd be something. I just can't face it. Can't face my profs or my classmates or my life in general. I haven't even checked my email in probably a week and a half because I'm terrified there will be messages from people wanting to know where I am, and I don't want to explain it, I don't want everyone to know what a failure I am, I don't want to think about all the work I'm missing or all the catching up I have to do. The thought of so much as opening my email fills me with terror, much less setting foot outside my own door. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and wait for it all to go away. I don't care anymore. I can't care. Whatever part of me that used to be motivated by knowing how important my education is, how important it is to get out and be around other people, is just stuck. Frozen. Useless. I'm such a coward.

[pegasus]

You don't have to open your emails.

Try not to beat yourself up, you know you need to try and motivate yourself but the way to do it is gently, gently. Now that you have missed today's classes, see if you can get up and make yourself a coffee or have a shower, and then praise yourself for doing so. Small steps are much better than trying to run. Try and help yourself by doing small things, you've already done that by writing what is going on here.

Hugs

[Elana05]

Rebecca,

Please be gentle with yourself. I can hear in your post how awful you are feeling. This illness is horrible. My parter suffered with it during her years at college and had to drop out more than once. She was at an ivy league school. No, they were not helpful to her. Some people understand the illness of major depression and some do not. Everything in life can be made up or re-gained somehow. But one's health is irreplacable. You know how you are feeling. Your body knows. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Get to the doctor, to a new doctor(s) if need be. Therapy, meds, maybe even TMS? Let everything else go if you need to. Depression is an extremely serious illness. As Pegasus says, gently. But if all you have the strength for is to have tea... take your meds or call the doctor, so be it. Depression is as serious as cancer or AIDS or any other illness. If not more so because it hides behind the idea of being "the blues." After reading Noonday Demon one can see the toll it takes. Sometimes you have to try this or try that.
But, if it is any comfort to you, my partner who had been hospitalized for major depression - went back and finished out her undergraduate degree later.
Just focus on healing.

[embracinglife]

Thanks for reaching out for help on here. I agree with others that you don't need to be so hard on yourself. I've been through times like that before and thought I was a failure, but you are not a failure. You are struggling with depression --which is a real and serious condition.

See if your college has a counseling center and call and get help. many times they can help students to get in to see a doctor or whatever you need. Focus on taking care of yourself.

[Patriciann]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I too suffer from depression that in combination with my disability keeps me stuck in bed. Friends have disappeared so I don't have the email issues but I can feel your pain on not being able to handle pressures when your depression is severe. Be very gentle with yourself and if your school has counselors perhaps they can assist with referring you to the sources of needed support that will help you work through this. If you are receiving medical care be sure to take medications on time and follow what you need to do to take very good care of yourself. Sometimes when depression is severe we often forget to eat and even when we don't feel like eating our bodies need this source of energy to allow us to recover from the depression and work at having a better life. There is help and resources available to those of us with depression and all we need to do is make sure we connect with these sources of help. Sending you very gentle ((())) and . Patricia

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I could FORCE myself to do it [go to class]. I could turn up. I probably wouldn't pay attention but at least I'd be there and that'd be something.

I find this a genuine and fascinating question: is it better to be an absentee or a "presentee" (i.e. your body is there, "the lights are on but nobody's home")? Looking back on my own experiences, I don't see a clear one-or-the-other, all-purpose answer. Being a presentee usually looks better to others, whether or not you appear like the walking dead, but sometimes being an absentee is valuable because it sends a needed message.

Hmmm... I'm not going to settle this in my mind any time soon.

Sorry to exploit your post for introspective musings, Justfloating. May something beyond mere hope or courage get you through the coming weeks.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))

[Rose76]

To: JustFloating You helped me a bit because now I feel less alone. I'm out of school now, but I went through what you've described. This time last year, I was doing a 12 credit program at a college. Times when I was in bad shape, I'ld make a deal with myself. I would say: "Just get to the building where the class is. If you don't want to go in, then don't. But just get to the parking lot. Then come right back home if you want to." Then, when I got to right outside the building, I'ld say: "Now, just walk through the door into the corridor. Then turn around and exit the building if you really want to." Believe it, or not - that got me out of bed and into class a number of times. I think it worked because I had given myself permission to not go to the class and to feel no guilt, as long as I got myself half-way to the class. I think this works better when the main thing holding you back is anxiety. I believe it is not quite so effective when the main problem is depression. By the way, I love the Winston Churchill quote. Never heard that before. I'm not sure if that was part of your post, or a response by someone else.

[turquoisesea]

((((((Rebecca))))))

I think being frozen is one of the hardest parts of depression. People just don't get it. They really don't.

Have you seen your T? Have you been able to get to your doc for meds?

[justfloating]

Thanks for the support, all.

I saw the doctor on Monday and she put me on Mirtazipine on top of my regular meds, and I'm to go back in two weeks so we can see where we should go from there. The new meds have definitely helped with my sleep, although I was a little bit dopey for a few days, which the pharmacist said would probably happen. Seems to be better now. I have slept through the night for two consecutive nights, which is a really big deal! I also went in to see my counselor. It was good to talk to her. She wants me to go back to see her on Monday. Couldn't get to class the rest of last week (mostly due to being dopey from the meds) but I'm going to try again this week. I feel a little stronger, just a touch more optimistic, so maybe that'll be enough of a push to get me back out there.

Thanks again for all your support. I don't know where I'd be without PC!

Good going, Rebecca.

[turquoisesea]

I'm so glad you got some sleep! ((((Rebecca))))))

Hopefully you can make up some work in classes now =) and start to feel a bit better. I'm so glad you have a therapist and doctor who works with you!

[Elana05]

Yay! Good self care.
Sorry to hear the meds have some groggy side effects. But so glad to hear you have been able to get some sleep. IMHO Take it easy, you don't have to do everything at once. Most important is for you to feel a bit better.
You are are important...
-E.

[venusss]

Sometimes one needs to push themselves... it always looks better to be physically in the class.

When you stay in bed, you feel guilty afterwards. There are consequences... and these don't help the depression.

I know what it feels like not wanting to do anything... but often trying to push your limits helps in the end. One can at least feel good about themselves.