[joker_girl]

I have done my best all weekend to be a good supportive wife, we had a convention 3 hours away and riding up there was hell, my knee pain I so bad....I can't see that the shot did much yet, it sure did hurt worse than cortisone.
We went on a bus tour but by a couple hours in I was miserable, if I didn't get off the bus at each stop my husband would yell at me, so I went. By the end I was just kind of accepting it and I didn't argue or anything so idk what I done wrong, But when we got to the motel all I wanted was rest and I was a stock in the mud all weekend. I don't think my hubby is too thrilled with me but oh well.
I ate bunches of ibuprofen and aleve in addition to prescribed medication.
I would just like to know why we can't just replace them and be done. I'm tired of pills. I'm tired of pain. I want to go to work more. I want to have FUN and be HAPPY! I want to garden and shop and work on my crafts. I want to be able to cook and clean and landscape and make things, and paint
Is there a word that I need to say, to help the surgeon understand how it is for me. Is there some way to approach this? He has said before "when you can't stand it".....I'm there....I've been for a while. Every step is agony. Every step are pops and crackles. I have literally just lay in bed crying. I'm so tired of it. How do I make this guy understand....I don't want to. I am at the end. If there were no cure, I would kill myself..I dread every single day.

I went to college five years, and obtained two degrees. I was so happy and excited. So was my dad and husband. I got a job where I was liked, respected, made decent money, and enjoyed my work. My husband started a small business and I helped at that, too. We never caused trouble, just worked, raised our family, redid our home, did normal stuff, went camping, gardened, had dogs, etc.

Now all I am since I got hurt is I feel like a piece of trash. I can't work as an RN til this is fixed. So all I do is help out at our business a few hours a day til the pain is too much. I've gone from fifty hour weeks to fifteen. I don't bring in any money to speak of since I'm only my husbands helper. I feel bad for him to have to waste a dime on me. I can just feel everyone's staring at me when I go to buy gas or run to the drug store. They are probably thinking "why doesn't he get rid of her." "She is just lazy and now she says she hurts, she is prolly making it up though so she can get drugs."

I feel a lot of guilt because now, my husband has to do stuff like cooking, cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, etc. I try to help but I end up soaked with sweat, dizzy, puking, in tears, etc. Every step my knees crack. They ache constantly but when I'm up is when they are bad.

Sometimes I wish I could run away. I'm so tired of this. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. It is no life at all. I don't know what I did wrong.

[Love/Hate09]

To start with you should not feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You really shouldnt worry too much what other people are thinking either. You have worked hard, got well qualified, it's not your fault that injury is preventing you from working. Don't worry about other people, worry about yourself. My mother had a similar injury in her knee and i remember how badly it affected her mobility and how ineffective the treatment was.

Don't let others get you down. Maybe have a chat with your husband and expalin how much this is not just affecting your physical health but also your MH. Maybe try and get him to be more supportive. That's his job at a time like this and he probably just needs a little reminder.

[bharani1008]

Sounds like you need to really be persistent with your Dr. Keep calling him and telling him calmly but firmly that the pain is too intense and you can't stand it. Ask him what it will take to convince him you need the surgery?
It's absolutely correct that you have nothing to feel badly about. I hope you have explained to your husband that you really want to be active again so he understands where you are coming from. Maybe he could come to your Dr.'s appt and help persuade the Dr. tohelp you.
I hope things get better for you.

[Astridetal]

Hi,
I understand the pain, the loss of your working capacity, etc. caus eyou depression. Do you get help from a therapist who specializes in treting chornic pain patients? It's very hard having to deal with this. I coudl say your husband values your helth probably ore than the money you bring in (or don't bring in), but the guilt is still there. I don't know really waht to say.

[joker_girl]

Thanks. I know my husband isn't really mad at me, I just feel so guilty. I have never worked so little and was so nonproductive in my life. I haven't been without a job since I was thirteen. I hope if I get it fixed the hospital will have me back. I hope they are not so tired of my crap that they just tell me to f off. Last April right before I was having my first scope and acl redone, I could barely get around and they still had me down for my weekend, and I couldn't get anyone to cover, which really makes me mad because I have covered for everyone. I told my boss I was scared and didn't know if I could do it, and she wasn't able to because she was going out of town. So I did it, and thank God we were slow, I had only a couple patients, and the couple of ER visits we had, the doctor and the nurse's aide mostly took care of on account of they knew how bad I was doing. I had a brace on each knee and wrapped the outside of the brace with duct tape so I wouldn't fall, and wore them under my pants. I went in one of the empty patient rooms and sat most of the time in the recliner. I felt super guilty that I had to push so much onto the aide, but she didn't mind, and knew I would do it for her, and we were slow. But it was only luck...what if there had been someone come in having a heart attack? I just felt bad. After the first operation, I was back until the second one, which was the end of December. I told them I would be back in January or February, but I haven't....my boss texted me in January wanting to see if I could cover and I didn't do it....I couldn't....I hope she isn't mad. My doctor gave me Ultram to be able to take a non-narcotic when working as an RN, but it was completely ineffective, muscle relaxers like Flexeril and SOMA snow me, and Aleve isn't strong enough. She told me I'm enough used to Vicodin it would be okay to take it when I am working, but just to not be telling anyone. I don't like to though, I don't think it makes me loopy, but what if I just can't tell?

I haven't had a day I haven't had to take at least two Vicodin in over a month. For me, a "good" day is where I have been able to work at least five hours at the family business, with three or less pain pills in a 24 hour period. These days are rare.

My husband reassures me a lot, but I still feel like a loser, a mooch, and like he is mad. I feel like he ought to trade me in for a better one. My doctor says the Cymbalta may help both the pain and the depression. I've fought depression, adhd, and anxiety my whole life, but it has become much worse since my dad died and as my knees have gotten worse. The surgeon says they are as bad as they can be, stage four, which I guess is bad. He said there is complete degeneration, no cartilage or cushioning remains. The shots are at best a temporary fix. He doesn't want to replace them when I am so young. He said if it is bad enough though we will. I say it is bad enough. I don't want anymore shots. I want it fixed. I hate this miserable life.

Every day is get up, take pills for inflammation, craziness, and pain...wait for it to work....hobble in to work, do my best til I can't take no more, hobble home, put ice on, and sit, taking more pain pills and waiting til it is time to go to bed. Then, I go to bed, and pray I will die in my sleep, and the next morning, I wake up and the first thought is dread at having to stand up.

Thankfully, it is ONLY my knees, and mostly, the left knee. It could be every joint. He says it is a combination of heredity, sports and activity when I was young, injuries, and many years of hard physical labor. When I work at our store, it involves lifting and standing for hours on concrete.

I try to do crafts for something to do when I am home. I have a giant mess on my side table of paint, brushes, modge podge, stencils, gold leaf, fabric, etc. I enjoy making crafts but mostly I think why am I creating more junk?

I do not understand how anyone who is not in pain can do this. Our kids can. They can watch TV all day. I don't know how. One of my friends who I don't even really talk to anymore is that way. She doesn't have anything wrong with her, but she won't clean, cook, or work. She lays in bed til like noon and then gets up and lays around and watches TV or goes shopping. It is weird. She has done this all of her life. She use to always want me to go and party, and I'm like I can't...I have to get up. She just doesn't do anything. When she got mad at her husband and decided to leave him, she didn't have any money, so she borrowed like $7,000 off me to buy this house, but she wanted me to make her payments, I said....omg....they are $200, just get a job....but she won't...she don't have her kids, and she frantically searched for a guy to move in who could pay her bills....the third one she tried, moved in. He takes care of all the bills and she has sex with him. She doesn't care about him and sleeps around. How can she just not have any sense of purpose? I feel so guilty, and this hasn't been going on very long, for me. I almost can't bear it...and I can't walk. How can a person not get so bored and depressed?

I am going to a counselor, too. I have an appointment tonight at six because I forgot mine the other day. My husband is going to go with me.