[whenwillitend]

my mom was right, i can't do anything right. everything i touch, i screw up. i'm just no good.

[roses4me]

crap

anyone who says someone else can't do ANYTHING right .... can't encourage and can't praise

that conversation was no good

you've made 429 posts so you are a good community member here and giving and receiving friendship is probably the greatest gift and the greatest measure of a person
roses

[whenwillitend]

i don't feel like i'm of much use here. the number of posts doesn't really reflect how useful i am. i don't feel like i have much to offer.

i drive everyone away. that's what happens when you always screw up.

[roses4me]

more crap

you don't have to be 'useful' to be a friend, you just have to be there
you are certainly here

roses

[Knitnut]

It has been a long time since I was here, but tonight I need to be here again…


So, what is it that you have “screwed up?” Why are you “no good?” Please explain yourself.

Actually it is your mom who is wrong…

Let me explain with a story from my past and from my Mom...

For many, many years and for just cause, when yet another crisis/issue/whatever bad thing would happen, my mother would ALWAYS say to me, “Your day will come.” What she meant by that was that one day life would be okay for me. This had nothing to do with depression, but with situations that continually happened in my life…and they WERE never ending. Then one day while I was spending a year recovering from an auto accident (young woman ran a stop sign) she apologized, “I am so sorry I said that to you year after year.”

I considered this a good sign from my mother until a few months ago I told my therapist. He said that my mother’s apology was very sad. I was puzzled too. He said that when my mother apologized she was actually acknowledging/telling me that my “gray cloud” would never leave.

While we all look to others for confirmation of self, we also make a mistake by doing so. Only you can…only I can…make the decision as to whether we have made a mistake. Sometimes we simply look in the mirror and see what we don’t want to see, so we turn to someone else and the answer we hear is not always what we want to hear.

whenwilllitend…when you can stop looking to and listening to others telling you what is good or bad in your life, mistakes included, you cannot move on.

In other words, MOM was NOT RIGHT…if in fact it is your Mom telling you that...or are you telling yourself what you think others may be thinking or saying about you. Maybe you need to read and re-read your signature quote…”The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.”

Consider these too:

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” ~~August Wilson

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~~Thich Nhat Hanh

The latter quote is one that always gives me that proverbial slap in the face that I need from time to time.

[online user]

You are a victim of cognitive distortions, or illogical thinking. Sometimes your particular brand is called, "all or nothing thinking". You paint everything black and say everything is bad when maybe a few things could be improved or you've made a few imistakes. And, no wonder--look who's feeding you this "crap" as roses4me says--your mother! When I was in the hospital for my depression, they had us do an exercise. When you had a negative thought, you wrote it down. Then you wrote down 10 reasons why that might not be true. OK, let's take that thought, "I can't do anything right." OK, here's 10 reasons why that might not be true:

1. You can speak and write the English language well.
2. You knew enough to come here and post on PC when you were feeling bad.
3. You found the depression forum, which is perfect for your message.
4. You've had two people write in now, so far, who say they don't believe you.
5. Your dog likes you--you must be OK (assuming here you have a dog).
6. You haven't killed your plant yet.
7. Your mother likes you enough to nag you about being a better person, even if she doesn't know how to do it right.
8. You wrote several posts of support or reached out to help others.
9. You know how to add a signature line to all your PC posts, change fonts and everything--you are much more skilled in that than online user, for example.
10. You were smart enough to come back and see what others said to you about your terrible state of mind right now.

See how this works? Gets you thinking there might be other possibilities to what you are thinking. Hope this helps and you start feeling better soon!

[PurplePaisley]

I completely agree with online_user. Granted, I am myself a "black and white" "all or nothing" thinker, but I need to think more like online_user more often.

Are you in therapy or seeing a PDoc? It sounds like you could use some benefit from understanding why you think so negatively of yourself.

I hope you begin to feel better.

[ECHOES]

Although I understand that you are totally convinced of this, it isn't true. It is something you are telling yourself, but it isn't true just because you think it. Thoughts are just thoughts.

What is happening to make you feel this way at this time?

[roses4me]

For many, many years and for just cause, when yet another crisis/issue/whatever bad thing would happen, my mother would ALWAYS say to me, “Your day will come.” What she meant by that was that one day life would be okay for me. This had nothing to do with depression, but with situations that continually happened in my life…and they WERE never ending. Then one day while I was spending a year recovering from an auto accident (young woman ran a stop sign) she apologized, “I am so sorry I said that to you year after year.”

My mom's threat was, ' I hope you have a child just like you someday!' I always thought tht if I had a child just liike myself, I would understand the child and he would be easy to raise. Of course my son isn't anything like me . Oh well.

[roses4me]

argh! I am so frustrated with this computer right now, seriously.
online user is right.
One thing you can do is the tech stuff on this site
maybe someone could do me favour and tell me how to work the Mini quote function. I click on it and see nothing happening. so I can't use it. So I have to do what I did in the last post and copy the whole thing and then erase the parts I don't want. The result is that people don't see it as a quote and can mix up the quote with what I am saying. Care to be useful??
roses

[Knitnut]

If only...

If only our parents had that manual they have been promised for eons, maybe there would not be so many of the negative damaging statements being said to emotionally vulnerable children.

whenwillitend...PurplePaisley asked if you see a therapist...do you? I hope so, but if not, I hope you will do so soon.

[whenwillitend]

thank you all. i do have a therapist, and a pdoc.

it just feels like evrything is going wrong lately and that it's all my fault. i have no friends left, my husband is mad at me, and my son hates me.

i'm tired, i'm exhausted, and i need a break from all this crap that is my life.

[roses4me]

well you have friends here... I checked your profile
and I would like to have you for a friend too

and if you want a break, take one.... just coffee or a walk or a night away

roses

ps what I appreciate most in a friend is someone who doesn't judge me, doesn't judge the crap in my life or get angy with me for not being able to deal with the crap in my life... my problem and why I am here is that I can't deal with the crap in my life

[whenwillitend]

can't take a break, have to take care of my kids. no night away. there's noone here who could watch my kids. no family, no friends left.

i was doing fine when i saw my t last week, so we scheduled the next appt for in three weeks. i don't know if i can keep going that long.

[roses4me]

of course you can
even if you do nothing, the only sure thing is that time will pass
roses

[whenwillitend]

can feel myself crashing fast. don't know what to do to stop it. am so incredibly tired. can't do anything today. luckily, my 2 year old is really good at entertaining himself. don't have any energy. just want to curl up and cry.

[whenwillitend]

i'm living a nightmare. son wouldn't talk to his t today, just layed on the couch and wouldn't even look at her. and then after his session he refused to leave. just stayed right there on the couch. she couldn't get him to get up either. eventually she told me to go downstairs and wait in the lobby. and after a while he came down. i don't know how she finally got him out of her office.

i am so exhausted. i can't deal with all this crap anymore. everyone must think i'm a lousy mother who has no control over her child. and they're right.

walking through the walmart parking lot, saw a car coming, all i could think was "please hit me please hit me please hit me" which of course they didn't.

i'm so done.

[whenwillitend]

had a dream last night. there was a cop, and i took his gun. it was a very disturbing and triggering dream.

[roses4me]

control?????!!!!!
are you kidding????!!!!!
Just having enough control to get him and you to the therapist's office is success in itself
I remember one time, I was pulling my 9 year old in a tobaggan to get somewhere. As an autistic kid who just refuses to move, it was the only way to get places. Anyhow he was rolling out and dragging body parts.. I was so tired and emotionnnally at the end of my rope. A stranger, an older man, actually stopped and started chastizing my son for not listening to his mother.

So everyone doesn't think a stressed out mom is a bad mom.

hang in there
roses

[Rohag]

Hello, Whenwillitend! I'm thinking of you and wishing you just-in-time strength for everything you face, including the echoes of your mother's voice.

[whenwillitend]

so, it looks like my son is bipolar. the doctor said he doesn't want to call it that yet, because he doesn't want my son to be labeled. he said for now we'll call it mood disorder not otherwise specified. he put my son on lamictal (on of the meds i'm on too). he was very confident that we can fix this problem.

i should feel relieved, but i just feel so incredibly down. i can't believe i gave my child a mental illness. i should have never had kids. i feel so guilty. and selfish.

[whenwillitend]

fighting and screaming, fighting and screaming, my days are a neverending cycle of fighting and screaming.

i want it to stop

[whenwillitend]

acn't take anymore. really, what's the point. every day is the same. have no hope left

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

i want it to stop

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

can't take anymore.

Yes. You are right for wanting "it" to stop. You bear and have long borne too great a load by yourself. Doctors you have; practical day-to-day support you lack. Whenwillitend, can you call for social support (e.g. 2-1-1)? Do you fear the potential consequences of doing so?

[whenwillitend]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Yes. You are right for wanting "it" to stop. You bear and have long borne too great a load by yourself. Doctors you have; practical day-to-day support you lack. Whenwillitend, can you call for social support (e.g. 2-1-1)? Do you fear the potential consequences of doing so?

noone can know. don't want to lose my kids. pdoc said she'll call dhs if i don't have a proper support system in place. someone who could take the kids in an emergency. can't have that. son is killing me, but i still love him.

i have noone