[whereisthelove0x]

i have had depression for the past 4 years now. in the beginning it was manageable. now, not so much. if i dont take my medications, i feel like a monster in my own skin. i feel out of control and i somehow cant ever shake the suicidal thoughts out of my head. i began cutting. i dont know why i do it. i HATE pain and it seems dumb to me to cut yourself. somehow, it makes me feel a little better. i used to do boxing, i dont anymore. i want to begin boxing again to stop myself from cutting but somehow i cant seem to get myself to the gym. i hate the way i look and i hate the way i feel. my psychologist is helpful but its only once a week. the other 6 days i feel alone and hopeless. i feel like my parents hate me and dont support me. i dont have many suicidal thoughts now, thanks to the medicine, but they are still there. i want those thoughts to go away. i dont want to feel like sleeping is my escape from the world. i dont want to eat to get rid of my sorrows. i just want to be happy. but the question is- how can i be happy?

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ if you ask me, you should be seeing your therapist more than once A week!! The next time you see him please ASK for more sessions. Tell him exactly what you told us --- tell him about your thoughts, and about the cutting. He HAS to know these things. If he doesn't he won't know how to treat you. So please tell him everything!! Your medication might need to be changed too if it's not working properly.

Just know that people here are supporting you. Someone is always here to listen to you. You aren't ever alone here. Post whenever you need to -- but PLEASE don't CUT YOURSELF anymore!! Ok??? we don't want you to hurt yourself. You are important - and we don't want you hurt. Promise?? God bless -- and remember to tell everything to your therapist. ((((hugs)))) Lee

[SlatkaMala]

I could have written that myself! Does your provider have IOP (Intensive Outpatient)? That may be helpful for you. I'm so sorry you're feeling so rotten, too.

[online user]

How can you be happy? That's a very good and important question. You need to work on self-esteem--valuing yourself, I think. You need to lessen the critic inside and be OK with the person you are. None of us are perfect. I am 61 now, nearly 62. When I was young, I thought it was all over when you hit 30; everything was downhill from there. Now that I'm older, I realize that as you mature, you develop a better perspective on life. Your body gets creaks and aches, but your mind and your soul still grow and flourish. You learn how to get along with others better and get wiser about so much of life. But we are all works in progress, lol--we all have ways we'd like to improve and things we want to do and accomplish.

You might take some time to think of some of the things you've already learned about yourself. There are probably things you like to do, and things you do well. Think of the things that are appealing to you, that give you pleasure. And you are aware now, of some of your shortcomings. Seems you are like me--you need meds to keep you on an even keel. That's likely genetics, that we can't do anything about. So, OK, we can do that. No problem. And if you work with your psychologist, you'll get a grip on some of the other issues that are bothering you. It may take some time, but you are getting help from a professional which is great. So many people don't have that. You do, and you are going to be OK. It's OK to have some confidence in that.

It probably won't be like a light switching on, but gradually, as you keep taking your meds and work on issues with your T, you'll find that one day, you are really enjoying your life quite a bit. You'll be happier with yourself. You'll realize, you're really OK. Life is not so bad for you. Doesn't matter what your parents do or don't do for you--you'll be OK on your own. You need to be kind to yourself, not critical. You'll be OK; I really believe it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

17 is an overwhelming age to be for pretty much everyone! Have you told your parents that you feel like they hate you? Have you talked to your parents about your thoughts right now? It might be easier if you print off this post and show it to them, they need to know how much you are struggling, you might be surprised by their response.

Parents don't know everything and parents make mistakes, but they need to know what is going on with you to be able to support you. And I agree with Lee, is going to therapy more frequently an option?

Please don't hurt yourself. The relief it provides is temporary and the problems are still there, unresolved. Eventually, you will regret it..I have scars from more than 20 years ago that I wish I didn't. It's a terrible road to travel on..I think boxing sounds like an excellent outlet for you. What would it take to get you in the habit of going to the gym again? Sometimes, when everything in us is screaming I just want to go back to bed and not deal with this - that is the best time to take action. Actively force yourself to go against those negative thoughts and with time it may become easier.

[Warrioress]

Exercise really helps you know. Maybe you should pursue the boxing after all.

[whereisthelove0x]

Thanks everyone- it really means a lot to me and it makes me feel better that I have support here. I have tried to tell my parents and they don't see the situation how I do. I get it, we all have different perspectives and yes, mine happens to be a bit more pessimistic than most. When I tell them about my suicidal thoughts, they threaten to take me to the hospital and that scares me. I plan on telling them in two weeks. My reasons for waiting are so that I can finish my AP/IB testing for the year with as little issues with my parents as possible. Also, I am part of a youth group and I am planning on running for president of my chapter. My youth group is pretty much the only outlet in my life that I find happiness from. And lastly, I want to see if within these next two weeks if I can stop cutting.

I think I am going to try going to the gym again. I know that I felt really good after it so thanks for the advice on that In regards to therapy- it is an individual private psychologist and I don't think she is affiliated with a hospital. I could probably look into further treatment if that is what I needed to do. I would like to try going more than once a week, but it is hard for me to get in to see her and I often find myself scared to tell her the complete truth.

I really want to thank all of 'yall for the support. It means so much to me and I hope that I can find some comfort from this site And I PROMISE to try my best to not resort to cutting

[online user]

So glad to hear you have a plan and you are going to work on things. Why don't you print out all of this here and let your T read it at your next visit. That would be an easy way of telling her the things that are bothering you that you haven't confessed yet, as well as your plan to deal with all of it. I'll be she'll be impressed with it as I was--you have a lot going for you, I think, from the sounds of things. You go, girl!