[vonapathy]

Hello, I'm a long time lurker, first time poster, and I need to get this out to a neutral audience.

I'm a 26 year old female, college grad, gainfully employed, recently married, I eat right and I exercise. I've been dealing with depression since I was 14, and I was officially diagnosed at 17 after an unsuccessful suicide attempt/epic reveal of my lattice work of self injury. After the diagnosis i did the med dance, finally setting on Wellbutrin since I responded favorably to it. Eventually I lost access to my parents health insurance thus I lost access to my therapist, psychiatrist, and drugs.

I did some middling free therapy here and there, but I never clicked with any of the free counselors so I stopped going. By 22 i had no access to drugs or therapy thus I had a major freak out and wound up involuntarily hospitalized for a week. I hated the hospitalization, but it was a reality check and I got my life into order..sorta.

So I settled down with my then boyfriend/fiance and got a mind numbing job in marketing. Things were going well for the most part, and I was still drug/therapy free. There was a summer where things were a bit rocky, so I went back on the Wellbutrin temporarily since I had health insurance again. Eventually I weaned off the Wellbutrin once things stabilized (I didn't want to be one of "those" people, perpetually taking an anti-D to function), however now I realized that was a mistake.

Looking back at my life since I was 14, if I wasn't in the gripes of an all consuming, suicidal psychotic depression, then I was floating along listlessly in dysthymia.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this message is, i just know that I'm so very apathetic about life, its unfair to my husband, and I'm just tired of being tired. I know what I need to do (get back on Wellbutrin) but it requires so much energy to take that step. To complicate matters, I'm ashamed to let my husband know about how I'm feeling. He was there by my side when I was hospitalized, and he was the one who gave me the ultimatum that I get my **** together or he was gone. That perfectly reasonable request convoluted itself in my mind that if I show 'weakness' he will leave me. Logically I know that the 'weakness' would be to stay in this secret fog, whereas strength/life/vitality would be to admit to my husband whats going on, and get back on the Wellbutrin.

I know what I have to do, why is it so hard? I know the answer to that question, its because I (wrongly) feel like there is no point. After 12 unrelenting years I realize this will be a life long battle. I'm just so tired, and my defense against the disordered thoughts is wearing thin.

Its maddening to know what I have to do, but lacking the motivation to do it.

Life, life, life I have to remind myself that I'm fighting for a life, and no, I'm not worthless, dumb, used up, guilty, shameful, or a waste of space.

.....maybe Friday I'll go see my doctor.

Sorry, this was originally meant to be a rant, then it turned into a manifesto, and then a reminder about why I'm bothering to try.

[cutebagaddict08]

I'm sorry you are going through this. and you are a strong person-because it does take strength to admit you want/need help-emotionally or physically.
It sounds like, from your post, that your husband supports you and how you are feeling. But at the same time puts 'fear' in you, from your view point, if you show to much weakness. That is very scary for you to deal with. But, did he mean the ultimatum has a push you needed to get your act together, b/c maybe he thought this was the only way he knew how to get you to realize you can spiral downward and he can't watch his wife do that to herself. This is a very sensative area for both of you. Is there anyway both of you could see a therapist, if you were up to it? Maybe it would be good for both of you to express your concerns.

(I can relate a little bit to your situation. I stuggle with PMDD and fibromyagia, and I feel at times my husband does not understand at all what I am dealing with inside, and I also feel at times that I can't express it to him because what if he resents me for making our first 2 yrs of marriage an emotional rollar coaster ride that he didn't ask for. )

Have you tried talking to your husband or can your husband come with to your doctor appointment? (My husband comes with me when I go see the psychatrist and Rheumatologist-which I think helps him understand more, he can ask questions and such then. I see my therapist alone. )

[garden gal]

vonapathy,
I'm glad you posted this. I'm so sorry you had to go through that time of battling severe depression without health insurance, where you felt like you didn't have access to treatment. It makes me a little angry at the world that people can be denied treatment for something as serious as what you were going through... and yet I know that it happens all the time. I'm glad to hear that you have insurance again, and it sounds wise that you are considering going back to the doctor.

I think cutebagaddict made a good suggestion regarding couples therapy. If you are worried about how being honest about your depression will affect your relationship, that sounds like an issue worth exploring. Maybe, through talking about your hopes and fears as a couple, with a therapist, you can come through this time with your relationship in even a stronger place than before.

I can relate to your struggle to accept that depression is something you might be battling for a while... that has been a hard one for me too. I had an old therapist who used to say to me that "hating the depression doesn't help." I think what he meant is that spending my energy trying to pretend that reality is different than what it is, or getting caught up in the "why me?" unfairness of it all keeps me from being able to use my energy to take care of myself and to make the kind of choices that will help me to get through it. I'm not 100% there... I hate it sometimes, and am in more of a place of acceptance sometimes... but I do find the thought to be helpful.

take care, and keep posting.

garden gal

[Leed]

Hi ~ I've been depressed since I was a child - but didn't get treatment until I was in my 20's. I did the therapy, hospitalization, antidepressant route, and today I feel quite good.

I need to take an antidepressant in order to function like a "normal" adult. (whatever normal is). I see it as just like a person who has diabetes, and needs insulin -- they need it in order to survive. Well, I need the antidepressant in order to survive too. Otherwise, I don't know WHAT I might do.

There's no shame to needing to take one. Some of our most prominent people in the world have been depressed. If they had had an antidepressant at their disposal, I'm sure they would have taken one.

If your husband feels that "getting your **** together is that easy, I wish him fleas in his armpits. And why do you have to tell your husband anyway? If he finds out, so what? If he gets mad, tell him to take a flying leap.

God bless you and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[online user]

I think you will be fine--you have come much further than some of us did at your point in life, in understanding your depression and its nature, and your need for aniti-depressives. I think your husband will rally to your side again, when he understands your depression is highly treatable and that you will live most of your life quite well. My hubby and I are going for couples counseling now. I am the seriously depressed, but our T tells hubby he is the one with psychological problems--I am quite sane and dealing realistically with my life. Need antidepressants, yes, but hubby is more in need of therapy as he has conflict phobia and runs away from life and problems that are largely of HIS making. T feels hubby is mostly to blame for our marital problems, although I do need to express and control my anger better. So I have a couple of things to work on, but we spend most of our sessions working on hubby and his behavior.

Good luck to you--do write back and tell us how you are doing!

[prettysoldier]

Wow. It takes great courage to throw your cards on the table and say "help." It looks as though you have created a great plan to get yourself back on track. See a therapist and get back on meds. I would have to say go for it. You deserve to live your life not slog through it. If it takes medication and therapy than do it. I once was told by my therapist it takes just as long to unscrew yourself as it did for you to get twisted up. Another words it takes a while to get all the ducks in a row and move past the emotions that have been beating on you since day 1. In this instant world we have begun to expect that everything is supposed to be fixed right now. It feels like slamming into a wall when we discover that nothing is instant, even instant noodles. You still have to wait for the water to boil and the noodles to soak it up. Give yourself the opportunity to soak up some therapy and allow the meds to keep you even enough to be objective.

Hiya,

i just wanted to chime in and say if you getting back on meds makes your husband leave then wish him well and let him walk. mine walked out on me after a psychotic break that ended up in a month long hospitalization and I haven't been better since. he was a large part of the problem, not saying that yours is but there are some things that some people just cannot deal with. Mental illness is one of those things. You ultimately have to do what is right for you and your wellbeing. How are you expected to cope when you have this chemical imbalance that is knocking you down in a knock down drag out fight? You need to fight back and hard. Try not to worry about what other people think or say because you can't control them or their feelings. just worry about getting you better and back to a highly functional level.

Love and hugs,
Tara