[littleyellowspider]

I feel like I post here too often and I'm starting to bother people, I feel like I need to just grow up and deal with it.

My depression is the worst it has ever been.

I am sad and angry every day. And scared, I am always so scared of everything. I never have any fun. I never want to do anything or see anyone. I have friends but I have to try so hard around them to act happy when all the while I just want to go back to bed and curl up and cry.

My ex boyfriend invited me over on my birthday because we've been almost back to normal lately. I spent the night there and he hasn't spoken to me since. 2 weeks later. I am worried things are just suddenly back to being over. And also that I'll never get over him. He was someone I could talk to when I felt sad.

My anxiety just keeps getting higher. I feel lumps under my hip. They've been there for years, sometimes they change a little, go down, then get bigger but they've been there for years. I get so anxious about them I want to throw up. I went to a doctor and he said not to worry since they'd been there for so long but I still worry. I worry about my health constantly. I can't sleep.

I also feel physically sick all the time. I right now feel nauseous because I am so stressed and anxious. I just feel so worthless and hate myself so much.

I've been in counseling since I was 17 (I'm now 22) seen 3 different counselors, many different doctors, even a dietitian, an acupuncturist, I've taken countless combinations of medication. Tried alternative medication. I've prayed, journaled and talked but nothing has helped. What do I do? I need help. I am so scared right now. And I am scared I will never get better. I know that I can't count on other people to make me happy. I need to be able to make myself happy. But I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I CAN do that. I have no one to talk to.

It's summer. I didn't get an internship so I am having to go home and stay with my parents in a tiny town where I don't have any friends and where I've so far been unsuccessful getting a job. The problem is I am so incredibly depressed and anxious that I don't even know that I could handle a job.

I want to get away, I want to just disappear and go do something wonderful and happy and exciting and forget about everything and everyone. I just want to be happy. But I can't do this.

Hi littleyellowspider,

I would start by working on changing your thoughts. Change "I can't do this" into "I will atleast try to do this" something simple. Define what happiness is for you so you're not shooting for some ambiguous goal. Go to any lengths for reprieve like for me I spent some money and got a nintendo 64 so when i wake up at night i play a little mario kart before going back to sleep. You have to be willing to fight the negativity that comes with depression. That is the only way that i have found to get any reprieve apart from meds. Changing my thought patterns has meant long term recovery instead of the shorter months that I used to get.

Many love and hugs,
Tara

I'm sorry that you're feeling so depressed, anxious and alone right now littleyellowspider

I can understand feeling that you'll never get better. I've been depressed 4 yrs, been on countless different antidepressants, been to several counsellors...I guess that I have to believe that I just haven't found the right treatment for me YET.

Can you talk to your pdoc and counsellor about how you're currently feeling?

*Willow*

[Elana05]

Hi Littleyellow,

Glad you posted... you are not bothering anyone. Our struggles are why we're here... we're here for you too.
I'm so sorry to hear how rough things have been lately. I can relate... My depression has been pretty bad lately as well and looking for a job has me (also) feeling like curling up in a ball...
Is there a chance you could go back and try a few more combinations of meds? I know it seems to take forever but maybe there is one that might help a bit. Although at times the light can feel so far away, the best way to treat depression is the combination of medication and therapy. Be gentle with yourself. Depression is a serious illness. Keep reaching out and asking for help. Maybe you need to try a different set of doctors? You are important and you deserve to feel better.
A relationship break up is super stressful... I know you said you are in a small town, but are there any support groups?
Sending supportive thoughts your way...
E

[Don't touch me]

You are never bothering anyone by posting. I just hope you'll feel better.

[online user]

My thereapist talked to me yesterday about my anger. He said, an early theory of depression was that it was anger turned inward. He said, sometimes, this is the case. He suggested I needed to fight the impossible situation which has triggered my latest depression, to get over it. I explained, "It's impossible. I have done everything I can possibly do, and it's hopeless." He said, I have to be like the Jew in the concentration camp who made fun of everything to make his young son laugh, or be feisty, or something, so I don't let it get to me and take it internally. I'm not sure how I will do this--I have been in a serious funk since yesterday. This was new information for me--I normally write in here and say all kinds of encouraging things, like, "don't worry, you WILL get better", etc. etc. Now, all I can say is that I think Tara is right--you have to fight a little, the depression, to get better. Talk to the docs about med options--is there anything else? And, what can you do to fight the depression? Think of things that make you feel good, and do at least one per day. When you feel a bit better, try two. Let us know how things go.

[pondbc]

I really feel for you.

Even though there is so much pain, please try to focus on 'This too shall pass'.

Is there a way you could go on a short trip or anywhere different for a while, maybe visit a friend. Sometimes that can help you gain perspective and help you to get 'unstuck'.

It is evident that you have tried many different approaches. Eventually something will help and the depression will start to lift.

[littleyellowspider]

I want to sleep. But i am just so scared. so so scared. I can't think at all. I don't even really know what I'm scared of. but i can't calm down or sleep.

[justfloating]

((((((((((littleyellowspider)))))))))))