[Shadow-world]

I had a good day today. Amongst other things, I believe the higher dosage of med is working.

[Rose76]

Kind of frozen in anxiety, but telling myself to not stay immobile. All my life, I think depression has been a flight from anxiety. Continuing the job search feels so awful -like I am walking into a lion's den. It is anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. Today I am really not depressed. So why are tears streaming down? Fear. Wanting to not try. Already feeling rejection that hasn't even come.

[Elana05]

I am so tired today. Being tired and being depressed go hand in hand for me. Maybe I should be increasing my AD more quickly. Anything. I want to feel capable. I want to have my own voice inside my head and not the hurtful, judgmental voices of others. Depression is like walking through a field of weeds. The plants reach up and grab me around my ankles with every step. I can barely move and my legs are scratched.

[spaceid]

I am so bad today. Cannot stop having nightmares. Can't concentrate. Got a zero on my last math quiz. I just want to be happy.

[buttrfli42481]

Don't know how I am going to be able to do my job without a car for a week and a half. I need the money.

[spaceid]

Taking a chance and not having it end up well is hard to deal with. Especially when I have to tell myself that I still have to take chances. But I don't want to anymore. I can't handle the rejection. Maybe I'm meant to be alone.

[nicoleb2]

Pdoc left me a message but did not address my biggest concern. Guess i will wait till wednesday to talk to him

[TerryL]

Something triggered my guilt over the death of my pets. On top of my guilt over mom's death. not a good day. will it ever go away? Am I doomed to be miserable forever?

[Rose76]

I have twitching in one eyelid, now and again. I never had this before 2 weeks ago. It is an anxiety thing. Fear. I am feeling pretty good now, all the same.

[Shadow-world]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I have twitching in one eyelid, now and again. I never had this before 2 weeks ago. It is an anxiety thing. Fear. I am feeling pretty good now, all the same.

Glad you're feeling better again, Rose. I like seeing the cheerful icon on your profile.
I feel a difference since I went up with my med. I must say the doctor didn't recommend it, but I'm not impressed by him (will change doctors soon) and think I know myself what makes me feel better. I'm still within the allowed dosage range so it's not a problem. Anything that helps, I suppose.

[Rose76]

Shadow-world, sometimes you have to lead the way and hope they can follow.

Thanks for your kind words. Yeah, that icon is new to my profile.

I am starting with a new resident pdoc, and - oh - she seems so less confident than her predecessor, who I think was among the cream of his crop . . . good mind, and not arrogant, and listened intelligently. But this one is caring. I have to make the most of that to ask for more precise diagnosis. Always, I have gotten sloppy diagnosis. I think when I was high functioning, and not a misbehaving person, it was easy to blow the problem off as dysthymia. Even now, MDD, is leaving it as vague as possible. It's tricky to tell them that they have to apply more thought and do a better job on the diagnosis, while wanting to not alienate them.

When my best friend had signs of spinal cord injury, I had to press doctors so hard, who did not diagnose that. They didn't really have a diagnosis, except some silly idea, and I flat out said, "You have to work harder on the diagnosis." An X-ray later, done to placate me, showed urgent need for spinal surgery. Yes, diagnosing belongs to the physicians. However, they will make mistakes doing that. The least qualified person can happen to notice, or happen to think, of something that cracks the case. Minds have to be open to input from -even - the patient. I hope they will listen to me. Also, when dysfunction has been chronic and longstanding, it is unusual for there to be only one diagnosis.

[SadNJNY]

I'm done reaching out to people and feeling/looking like a fool afterwards. Done.

[Kaylalala0303]

Wish I could feel God with me right now, so I didn't feel so alone

[Rose76]

SadNJNY - We're always here for ya, guy.

[buttrfli42481]

Lots to talk to my T about, need more than an hour.

[TerryL]

Had another day battling my guilt. I'm getting so tired of fighting it.

[mcspaz]

I freaking hate every minute I have to live without you.

[arcangel]

Baggage handcuffed to my wrist,
I drag it everywhere I go.
Sometimes I fight it with my fists,
If I knew which way was home,
It's where I'd go.
If I knew which way was home.
RIP Tommy. They're still howlin' here.

[disguise123]

all you do is take

[alwaysrejoice]

please stop analyzing everything i say and do and just let me be me.

Bad boy. Bad boy. Whatcha gonna do?

[TerryL]

I finally realized the old guilt had never gone away and was mixing with the new guilt. Will work on sorting it all through. Wish I had a good therapist.

The one good thing I can report on is that the pee stains in the carpet from my pets' pee wars are slowly coming out thanks to my steam cleaner..

[buttrfli42481]

Have to figure out how to do something good for me without it costing money.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Bad boy. Bad boy. Whatcha gonna do?

I am very upset about the whole thing - it's the first thing I saw on the news this morning. You are absolutely spot on with the quote you found regarding the death penalty.

[Shadow-world]

Not good, not great at all.