NEW Daily "What's On Your Mind?" Depression Sentence Thread

Shadow-world · Sep 15, 2011, 04:06 PM

Rose and Porcupine, not getting the right care at the time or any continuous care in mental health seems to be a widespread phenomenon and obviously doesn't seem state- or country-specific at all! I can definitely subscribe to what you describe there. You often have to be suicidal to get some form of help and I think it's just not right what is happening there.
I can also relate to what you say about self-harming and the use of alcohol use:
I normally don't self-harm (a month ago I did because everything was falling apart around me), but when hate, anger and pain in your head become too much it sometimes suggests itself as a quick form of release.
I have used alcohol for many years as an antidote to anxiety and nagging, obsessive thoughts and have only been better with it over previous years and have in actual fact been off alcohol completely for quite a few months now.
Sometimes it's just very hard to use more constructive means of dealing with things. I am normally much better these days using more constructive means, but I know how difficult it can be. If mental health services took any note of where these difficulties are leading to, which then costs the NHS (or other national healthcare systems) even more money usually, they would do something more speedily!
Rose, I hope you get some more help and support from someone professional very quickly!

Rose76 · Sep 15, 2011, 05:04 PM

I read this in a credible source. Sorry I can't cite where at the moment.

The majority of people who successfully commit suicide have no history of prior attempts.

Open Eyes · Sep 15, 2011, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

I have returned to being severely depressed like I have not had to endure since before July 21rst, which is creeping towards the intolerable zone, and the new pdoc I have is pretty much unavailable, not that I expect she could do anything about it.

Ok, lets think about this, why do you think that this might be happening?

You have to ask yourself in a very deep honest way Rose because you HAVE come a long way and very slowly got to a very positive point.
And you know what? You really deserve to be at the good spot you slowly moved towards.

So you have some very deep concerns that comes with a possibility that you really might get this job. There is a real reason for this and what it is has something to do with doubt and one of your weaker areas, maybe something where you felt threatened or was not appreciated.

Rose, your a very capable person and when you are put in a position where you can guide others in a very positive way using what you know professionally, YOU SHINE VERY BRIGHTLY.

And I have seen that side of you and it is EXTREMELY STRONG AND GIFTED.

Whenever any human being has an unpleasant experience, and I remember that you did go through something that was not really fair to you. There is always going to be a strong desire and even fear to be caught in that same situation. There is always going to be a deep hidden fear of some kind of failure. And anytime we even make steps to try again, that fear can be so great that when we get really close or even try, the mere closeness to that bad experience, can be so troubling that we can very easily feel depressed over it.

Now lets take some positive soothing steps, ok?

A very positive woman went to an interview and she has felt good about how she presented herself and it must have went pretty well. And it went so well that she just might get that job. And it would be a good job for her because it is not just diving into a full time drain on her and after all, she is still on the mend. So that part went well and you are in that pool up to you waste and there is an opportunity to swim and at a pace that can allow you to practice swimming again.

But your still only just waist deep at the moment because you haven't really heard if are going to get the job witch would be an invitation to swim at an easy pace.

And you "DO" KNOW HOW TO SWIM ROSE. It is just that the last time you were swimming some not so nice people splashed you and did things in that pool that were not right. And even though you stated what was not right, no one heard you and you left that pool.

Rose, this is a different pool, your a good swimmer and you deserve to swim because not only can you swim but you are also good at helping others swim. You have to have some "FAITH" in yourself Rose. The depression is all about "NOT BELIEVING IN YOURSELF" and "BEING ASHAMED AND AFRAID OF GETTING HURT AGAIN".

So, this is a kind of test in your "FAITH AND CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF"and it is also and "OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO TRY AGAIN AND GET PAST THAT".

You have to believe and trust that if you do get that opportunity to try again, once you get there and swim around and find your way, YOU WILL REMEMBER HOW YOU CAN REALLY SWIM AND ENJOY AND BE GOOD AT IT.
Rose, you ARE good at servicing others in the area that you know. I have seen you do it and do an EXCELLENT job at it. And think about the days and your efforts here and how well people responded to you. And that is your gift, you CAN do it, it is there.

There is a very strong person inside of you Rose and that person has a gift and "ROSE DESERVES TO LET IT HAPPEN AND BE ROSE".

Here are lots of hugs, everyone here knows you can do it, everyone here is here to support you, listen to you and remind you that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Open Eyes

Mustkeepjob32 · Sep 15, 2011, 09:52 PM

What a great post Open Eyes!

Rose, I too have been fired from many jobs. Just recently two jobs where I was sure that I was going to succeed. I was fooling myself because I was still hanging on to bad habits.

I hope you find the job you are looking for. Of course it is hard to justify being picky in this economy. That being said, no one should work in a place where they feel their mental health would suffer even more.

Z

buttrfli42481 · Sep 15, 2011, 10:59 PM

I hate the fact that I feel so guilty when I tell a friend no.

LacunaCoiler · Sep 15, 2011, 11:03 PM

I need sleep but I'm having a manic episode and I can't sit still let alone go to bed.

Rose76 · Sep 15, 2011, 11:53 PM

Thank you for the support above. My pdoc called this eve. She agreed to put me back on a med that had been stopped. I was on it when I was first so improved. My guy came back over and is staying with me. He took me to Sonic for lunch and to the pharmacy. I am not frantic, like I was.

The words of encouragement help and I am grateful for the kind posts.

TerryL · Sep 16, 2011, 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

I sure did follow a complicated path to end up not getting anywhere. "For someone who reads as many books as you do, you're the stupidest person I know. And you are basically a selfish person." That was my father's pronouncement upon me 30 years ago. I guess he saw the direction I was going in.

Hi Rose, I think your father was very mean. There is no reason for him to talk to you like that. I'm kind of new to this forum but is psychodrama working for anyone? where one's formative traumas from childhood are reenacted and dealt with. Have you considered it?

It's hard to look for a job when you are depressed. When I started feeling depressed after my pets' deaths it affected me to the point to where I quit my job. I started to temp. I found it hardest to have to put on a happy face when I was miserable but I couldn't bring my problems to work. I hated having to pretend. My dream job would be where I could tell my boss all my issues and still be hired.

Wishing you well--Terry

Rose76 · Sep 16, 2011, 10:09 AM

TerryL, I really like your idea of a "dream job."

Once I stayed at a job for long enough to where they all could sort of figure out my issues. I mean - like - they knew who I was, upside and downside. The most important of my supervisors did the Math and decided I was a net positive. After 3 years, I got a promotion and they were supportive beyond my hopes. They knew how I was slow in figuring out new circumstances and they gave me extra time and coaching. That gift turned potential failure into glowing success.

If I get offered the job I interviewed for, I might just tell the supervisor "Look, here's the deal . . . " Otherwise, there's "having to pretend" . . . pretend I don't have problems that will become obvious anyhow. Why can't the world be more like PC?

Shadow-world · Sep 16, 2011, 11:43 AM

This sounds like a good plan and way forward, Rose!
You sound a bit better. I'm glad about that.

Rose76 · Sep 16, 2011, 12:15 PM

Well, my sweetie woke up itching to leave. By 10 AM he was gone. It's not him leaving that I mind, it's the lack of s u s t a i n e d attentiveness. Like he parceled out a certain amount of response and now feels depleted. Heck, maybe that's all he's got. Sometimes, I think he was the biggest mistake I made in my life.

When he has had needs, man, he has bled me dry. Of course, like they say, no one held a knife on me. I was more than willing.

Thank you, Shadow, I was doing better, and I think I can get up and do better some more. My back hurts, so sitting is the worst thing. Let's see. I was doing real good until recently. My days were spent straightening out years of neglect. My living space looked nice. Now it's not so nice. If I put it back to nice, then I can build on that.

TerryL · Sep 16, 2011, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

TerryL, I really like your idea of a "dream job."

Once I stayed at a job for long enough to where they all could sort of figure out my issues. I mean - like - they knew who I was, upside and downside. The most important of my supervisors did the Math and decided I was a net positive. After 3 years, I got a promotion and they were supportive beyond my hopes. They knew how I was slow in figuring out new circumstances and they gave me extra time and coaching. That gift turned potential failure into glowing success.

If I get offered the job I interviewed for, I might just tell the supervisor "Look, here's the deal . . . " Otherwise, there's "having to pretend" . . . pretend I don't have problems that will become obvious anyhow. Why can't the world be more like PC?

Hiya Rose--it sounds like you had a wonderful boss and job at that time. I think our idea of a dream job is the same as our idea of a dream friend or mate. As for not having to pretend--don't you wish that when the store clerk asks you "How are you doing?" you could tell them the true scoops instead of saying "I'm fine"? hoo hoo or have a T-shirt that has "Ask me how I am really doing" printed on it and see what happens...

LacunaCoiler · Sep 16, 2011, 02:22 PM

Must get my work doen... but im too wired to focus

nicoleb2 · Sep 16, 2011, 04:49 PM

Want to disappear. Want to SI. Hate it that my pdoc didn't call me back, so now i'm going to get NO sleep this weeked

Open Eyes · 07:28 PM

Terry, I know what you mean about giving an honest response to some stranger that asks how you are doing. To be honest, sometimes I just let it out. I do surprise them but to my surprise people can relate and be supportive. I have met some really nice people that way, you would be surprised, I was.

And Rose if you do decide to tell the hiring person for that potential job, you are going to have to put yourself in her chair and how you would look at that information.

I am not saying to not be honest but when you talk about being honest and putting your cards on that table, you cannot forget the positive of your condition. In other words, you can present your struggles "BUT" you can also add that your struggles have given you more ability to access situations realistically and can suggest better ways of dealing with situations.

Always remember each person struggles in their own way and often we are truely judged on how we rise above and have used our own personal experiences as a better way of connecting to others, can be a real positive in the providing for care in others in the health care field.

While you do often like my advice and consider it very helpful, you do know that I have struggled myself and because of that I understand what you not only want to hear but need to hear to make progress. It is so important for you, yourself to truely understand that. Do you struggle with challenges, yes, but you have to know that those very challenges have afforded you a very important way of truely understanding the needs of others. Just as we come to PC and find so much support because of others facing the same struggles, there is a value to that exposure, a sense of a much higher understanding of other human beings.

We often talk about how we would like the world outside PC to be like PC, but we often prevent that ourselves by hiding our truths with others.
I often think that is why people tell me things they would not normally tell others, I put myself out there as well and that gives them permission to do the same. Does it always work? No, but it doesn't always work in PC either does it. But if you consider the odds chances are with the right presentation it CAN work.

So really think Rose about how you can be honest and yet show a value in your personal experience. There can be a hidden value to everything we experience and learn ways to overcome. Rose review some of your very supportive posts that really helped others here at PC. You really impressed me and showed a very intelligent, capable part of you. That is what you have to convey to YOURSELF CONSCIOUSLY and it is big plus to others. And you did have a work situation that made a difference in your life, it can happen again.

Open Eyes

Open Eyes · 07:23 PM

I just wanted to add Rose that my therapist battles depression and he has to be on medication. I wasn't sure what to think about that but I gave it a shot and one thing I have come to know is that he does understand struggle and what it means.

It was a big contrast to a psychiatrist that treated me who actually also listened to me psychologically (not like most who just prescibe) and that psychiatrist did not really understand me from a perspective of actually knowing the real struggle. There is a big difference. One thing I really like knowing is that my therapist has not only studied psychology and all that it intails, but he lived it too and in that has the ability to go the further distance, just like you did in your support posts Rose.

Even now, you fell back and got frightened and figured out the medication and you are getting back on track, well that is another positive that you can add to a big bag of not only intelligent advice from your education but real advice you have learned by experience.

All experiences that we find ways to work through have value.

Open Eyes

TerryL · Sep 16, 2011, 06:03 PM

[quote=Open Eyes;2027527]
And Rose if you do decide to tell the hiring person for that potential job, you are going to have to put yourself in her chair and how you would look at that information.

I am not saying to not be honest but when you talk about being honest and putting your cards on that table, you cannot forget the positive of your condition. In other words, you can present your struggles "BUT" you can also add that your struggles have given you more ability to access situations realistically and can suggest better ways of dealing with situations. ]

I totally agree and I'm sure you know when it feels comfortable enough to share.

[Always remember each person struggles in their own way and often we are truely judged on how we rise above and have used our own personal experiences as a better way of connecting to others, can be a real positive in the providing for care in others in the health care field. ]

I found in my journey through depression that it heightened my empathy for others. I read someone's quote that everyone has their own battles and to be kind. It stuck with me. Your advice to me in the past showed such kindness and compassion. Thank you.

Open Eyes · Sep 16, 2011, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Want to disappear. Want to SI. Hate it that my pdoc didn't call me back, so now i'm going to get NO sleep this weeked

(((((((Nicole))))))

I am sorry your pdoc did not call you back and I did have that happen to me and it not pleasant. But do not decide you will get no sleep and don't give into the anger, only makes things worse.

One thing that can help you relax is heat. When we use heat the warmth and cooling process allows the body to relax, even the brain. I often use heat, always have, but I didn't realize that it was a fact and proven that it does relax the body, it just worked for me.

I have taken hot baths and soaked and that helped, long hot showers help and I have a blow dryer next to my bed and if I am stressed I have a ritual that I do before bed. I sit on my bed and blow the hot air, not close enough to burn but to feel warmth and soothing and I blow the hot air on my feet and my legs, sometimes my face and arms until I feel warm and relaxed. I have the heating pad waiting too and I often curl up with it, ofcourse my heating pad has an auto off to it. My ritual that I have had for many years unconsciously knowing it helped me sleep, really relaxes me to a point where I can often climb under the covers and fall asleep.

If I am having a bad day, I also do this to relax and then curl up and I may not sleep but I just let my brain relax and wander. And I guess it is much like meditation with added warmth.

Try not to add to the anger and stress, even if you just slow yourself down and allow yourself to just be in the moment, moment by moment.

Open Eyes

Sep 16, 2011, 06:11 PM

I really struggle to not end up in the dark place. Some days I'm better at it than others. This last week I just didn't have what it took. I still miss my little pup like crazy. Having her ashes here with me helps a little but then also makes it more final.

I'll start the struggle anew.

buttrfli42481 · Sep 16, 2011, 10:24 PM

Trying to stay in the present. Having a friend over is helping a bit.

Open Eyes · Sep 16, 2011, 11:48 PM

((((((Xando))))))
It hasn't been that long, your dog was in your life for a while and was a kind of soul buddy. That is what many people who are not real animal lovers understand, these animals really become a part of our soul in a way, they are so unconditional and truely look to us with attention, acceptance, appreciation and love.

Losing an animal is very hard on the heart of the one that animal was so a part of.

It is going to take time for you to grieve and accept that loss.

Can you find a new little friend that may be looking for a soul mate? It will help so much. Though nothing can replace the uniqueness of one pet, a new pet can still present a new soul mate.

Open Eyes

Open Eyes · Sep 16, 2011, 11:50 PM

((((((buttrfli)))))

One day at a time one move forward into small activities helps so much. A good friend that is understanding is a good day if you have a good friend your very lucky.

Open Eyes