Emptiness

I'm home tonight and it's amazing how easily I slip right into things here. I came back this morning, unpacked, had to run a few errands (which he had to come with me) and then went to pick Alex up from school.

I ended up giving him money for two packs of cigs after listening to the whining.......got to see the happiness on Alex's face when he saw me at school.

Went to parent/teacher conferences and he is doing exceptionally well.......getting A+s in most things, esp. math and reading.......B+ in neatness of work...lol. The teacher told me that I am raising a fine little boy. I was so proud of him.

Came home, played with Alex, made dinner, played some more, did laundry, etc. and spent "quality alone time" with my husband..........and through the entire day I felt empty inside.

I feel completely, utterly alone. Right now Alex is asleep, he's prowling around the house, but here I sit unable to sleep once again (I'm usually up till at least 2am these days).

I looked over Serenity's Masks site again and realized how true that is.......but the emptiness these days is getting worse, the cutting much worse. Even tonight I snuck upstairs to do it.

I love my son more than anything else in the world, yet why when I am gone, do I feel nothing? I could exist alone - just going to work, coming home and sitting in front of the computer. That would be my life, like it has been for the last six weeks. I have gone nowhere, done nothing at all but those two things.

I come home and the emptiness/coldness spreads outwards and I just deal with things, do what I need to do for everybody and that's my existence. No wonder I feel nothing - just this vast hole all around me.

I should have felt some closeness to my husband - but nothing. No connection, no "oneness"..........just sadness. I guess that is what I am here for. Oh, yes, and home cooked meals.

I leave in about 9 hours to drive back and go to work. I talked to my T today, both by phone and by email. I had remembered something from my childhood and wanted to let him know about it. I even felt disconnected from him.

Alex's teacher mentioned how well I "move around".........wanted to tell her it was because of the meds I'm on, but I didn't. She wouldn't really care - kind of like those questions, "how are you" "I'm fine" exchanges.

Yes, I'm rambling..........and sober too unfortunately. It is about 1:30am here and I suppose I should get Alex off the couch and upstairs to bed with me. I wonder if I'll sleep - last night I didn't.

Just lots of random thoughts, lots of nothingness.........

I hope everyone has a good day.

Mary Alice

Mary Alice,
I am nto much in a writing mood today BUT I just wanted to say that it is not at all unusual that you felt no closeness with your husband. There si no "oneness" when his world revolves around him and his needs.

Hugs sweetie,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You must be so proud of Alex....he seems like such a wonderful little boy You are doing a wonderful job raising him.

I am so sorry you are feeling the way you do . I used to feel like that too....the house could be full of people and yet I was the only one there. I understand hun.

I hope your day is going to be ok and please know that so many here are thinking of you.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I hope you are ok, at least hanging in there.

Thanks for taking the time to respond when you need a hug too.

xoxo

{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am very proud of him - he is a sweet child. It was so nice last night to curl up with him and sleep. As his teacher said, he gets lots of love - that is the best job I have.

Thanks for thinking of me......hope your day goes well and give your children an extra hug from me, ok?

xoxox

HIya, I know about this emptiness and I especially know about the disconnectedness. That's my speciality. I feel so disconnected from people sometimes I'm almost afraid they're not real or I'm not real.

It sounds like you are completely fed up with your way of life, stuck in a hum-drum routine and living your life completely for others. Is there any way you could scrape together an hour or even half an hour to do something for yourself every day?
Perhaps just to go for a walk and enjoy nature or catch up on an old hobby you love or used to love. It might not feel good at first as is the way I find with depression but I think you can gradually begin to enjoy it again if you stick with it.

I hope this helps a bit
yours, goggles x

I'm hanging in there. Feel like I got hit by an emotional freight train today but am hoping for a better tomorrow. You never know right?
Thanks for the hug.
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You sound like you need a hug. It wouldn't have taken me so long, but my internet connection has been on and off the last few days.

I really like your angel.

-Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

My darling Mary Alice.. Oh honey how can I say I fully understand what you are going through right now.. When i first relized I no longer loved my ex-husband, I felt just like you do right now..
It does not get better, unfortantly, I wish I could say you will wake uptommorw and it all be better [fronw]

But since you and I are being brutually honest, I can not and will not lie to you..
When you feel this emptiness, you should just stay to yourslel unless Alex need you..

I am very proud of you for trying to function so well around him, some moms or even dads would not do that, they would let the "hatred" they feel towards the other shine birghtly, but you are hiding the feelings better than I did..
I am sorry, you feel this way, trust me I am. When you do get to come home for good..
Promsie me one thing.. You will try to get out ???? If that is what you want, can you raise alex on your own???

Peace and love coming at you..
I love you my maryalice....


<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
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Trish, I love you dearly. You are so incredibly sweet and caring.

If I "stay to myself", eventually Alex suffers because then he gets in a bad mood and yells which hurts my son's feelings. I can't allow that to happen.

Could I raise Alex on my own? Yes, if I didn't look at the financial end of things. That is what is stopping me. I need to focus on that and try to get things caught up from when I was off from surgery. If I have to have surgery again, it will be a mess.

It's amazing to me how different I am when not at work - I am so much a loner........yet I deal with people constantly and do my job well.

My T was trying today to get me to be more self aware of Mary Alice and how she feels. I fought him tooth and nail today, but he pushed and pushed on making me say something........and I finally was able to get the words out. He told me he was proud of me..........

Anyway, I hope you had fun this evening. Take care, and have a good weekend. I'm back to work tomorrow and Sunday, then home for good.

I am very glad you get to come home for good..

We can hope and pray you do not hve to have a second surgery I want the best for you and for Alex.....

Please keep me informed.. I worry about my friends..
Talk later ok..


<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
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Lady, good morning

I go back today and then Sunday night after work, home for good. Too much driving this week........lol.

Psssst, it would actually be my 4th surgery - gets really tiring after awhile. Last night walking was not good.

Did you have a good Halloween? I hope so - you deserve some happiness.

*******hugs**************

Mary Alice

I had a wonderful Halloween..
Jessica had a ball, going from door to door getting soemthing each time somone opened the door..

Yes i had a ball, and today I got the best B-day present from my best freind.. She paid for a full year for my LJ, whcih is a journal i have wanted to get, but I did not have the money, so she got it two months early for me.. I am so happy..

And I have had some happiness in my life, I had my one yr, annivsary, on Friday, and my love, sent me a beautiful e-card, and took me out to dinner, and then we feel asleep in each ohters arms.. Nothing else, just sleep.. That was so nice. to just be held

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
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