Like a ton of bricks....

You know I have been hanging on for awhile. I have been really trying hard to feel better. I've been keeping my moods "stabil". No big ups and no big downs. Thought I was doing pretty well. I've felt something building for a long time and then WHAM, it hit me a couple days ago and it hit hard. I don't know if it's the weather, it's gotten kinda rainy and gloomy. I might be my isolation. I really want to be around people but there isn't so many opportunities right now. I don't think it's my marriage situation becuase in the smallest ways that is actually getting a little better although far from perfect.

Why just so sudden? Ok, I said it was building, or I felt that way but I really feel like I have been hit but a train emotionally.

I am afraid of going back to the bad place again. I talked to a friend yesterday and told her that. I had already talked to her last week and she said we should do more. I have been isoalting myself from my friends here now lately. It's a vicious circle of being so alone so much and then I only want to be alone but deep inside I want to be with people.

I want to reach out to my friends here more but I think because of what happened with my friends and family back home, I have this fear of them leaving me too. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Maybe it's because I feel like I lost my best friend here. She is still there and we talked but I don't know what to say to her now. It's very ackward and weird.

I don't know what to say. I'm just babbling I guess. I just feel bad. All I do know is I am fighting my hole. It's not gonna get me again. NO way in hell.

Thanks for listening,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

Are you online now, ((((Heidu))))? I was checking to see if you might be here... Let's see = you're post read 2:01 a.m., 11/1. Let's see what this one says when I post it... XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Rats!!! Says 3:11a.m.. Looks like I've missed you by about an hour (using the time that this board is in). :-( If you're still on, how about posting here, and maybe we could go the chat... XO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Just hang in there....I know it's really tough to do sometimes but everything will work out in the end!! Go hang out with your friends!!! It will do you alot of good!! I know what it is like to not want to go out with your friends but you just have to make yourself and once you've gotten out you will feel much better. I always feel better when I get out and do something. I'm sure things will start getting better soon.

Hi dear special one,

Wanting to reach out but scare of being hurt, that part I understand very clearly. I'm standing in that same place too. I think that you are a social person, so it's going to hit you, that's for sure, if you are too much alone.

Sometime there are things said on this board, that hit you in a wrong way. But you have to reliase that those words wasn't meant for you. Words are said sometime because people are hurting, not because they want to push you away. It's just a cry for help by someone. Deep down they need your help and it's a way of saying it.

I know that we all live far away from each other in here, but at least we have this place, where there is kindness and understanding. I also know it would be much better if we had someone close to us to hold us tight sometime, but if we don't have that someone, we have people in here that care and that we can depend on when we are falling to low or in the pit of hell.

You are very love in here and so much appreciated. We are here for you sweety, anytime. Lean on us and as you say, give a bit of trust.

Take care sweety (((((((((((((Heidu))))))))))))
forgoten

Forgotten,
Thanks, you are so kind. I will say it is nothing that was said here. I think it's like you said. I am a very social person but spending so much time alone it's gonna hit me. I am fine by myself but I need more contact with people in a more steady stream to keep me going up. I can't spend weeks without doing anything nice or spending time with friends and then be in a good mood when I get the chance. It's not that easy.

I am glad for the people in here and that I can depend on them to be here for me. It's also nice to know I can be here for others. As for the trust....I'm trying but dang it's scary.

I was thinking of my friend today that I was having problems last week. I wanted to call her. I didn't and I don't know that I can. I can't do what she thinks I should and I can't be who she wants me to be (happy). Not right now anyway. If that is what's bothering her then what I am supposed to do? What am I supposed to say around her. I ain't gonna fake it. That's not me. Ugh life!!!

Hope you have a good day :O)
Hugs,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

Thanks Tired. I am telling you the same thing in your post today :O)
Hope you have a good day,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

Jill,
:O(
Sorry I missed you today.
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

{{{{{Heidu}}}}}

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you are smiling again soon.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

:::::::::ouring sealant over hole:::::::::::::::::: proud of you for not going back into that spot.

Thought I'd help a little....... Thinking about you and wishing you a better day.

Thanks Mary Alice :O)

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

((((((((((((((((((((Heidu)))))))))))))))))))

thinking of you
forgoten

Thank you Heather.
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

Do you suppose, Hun, that it could be "let down"? You've been working so hard on your house and last time you mentioned it, you were about done. Maybe you're just at a loss as to what to do next... or maybe it's physical exhaustion?

Could you get hubby to take you out? Maybe just "window shopping" or a movie... or a road trip to somewhere nice? Just throwing out some ideas. I have no clue how things are over there, but methinks if you can go shopping in another country near by, you could just "go out and look around," you know... something outside the house but relaxing.

Maybe I'm all wet, but you can't say I didn't try, eh? I know! How about taking an imaginary trip into someone else's life and get a big, fat book to read... one that you don't want to put down?! May I recommend an old one... Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It's chocked full or short stories and legends but all leave you with added wisdom!

Ok... I'm fresh out of ideas. Hope at least one of them help.

"This, too, shall pass."

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

September,
I still have lots to do at the house even thought the main hardest work is done so I don't think thats it.

I was out yesterday shopping with a friend and that helped and today I went myself. (would you believe I have covered the entire town and there isn't a single creme blind for sale? They don't carry them anywhere!!!!!)

Thanks for all the ideas. They are well appreciated. The drive sounds nice but I have to be in a little better mood to enjoy things with my husband. With a friend it's easier to relax.
I did call 3 friends tonite to say hi. It has made me feel a little better.

I like to read but lately it just puts me to sleep or I don't have the patience for it. I will be ok. It's just a tough time.

Thanks :O)
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

mmmf! I was afraid I wouldn't do you any good.

Hey! Have you thought of spray painting the blinds???

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

Heidu,

Hang in there. You have been doing pretty good, and you've been getting better, but there will be ups and downs. Sometimes it builds up and then it catches up and gets to you again, but if you keep trying and don't give up you will keep taking more steps forward than backward.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

Heidu,

I am so sorry to hear that you have taken such a turn for the worse. But I certainly understand...I have also run into that "I've been trying to be ok for so long, I'm too tired to keep trying" feeling. This week, my therapist asked why I kept trying if I was so tired...and as we talked, it came out that it was because the alternative was so much worse. So I will ask you to keep that in mind with me...and keep trying, because giving up would be so much worse.

When I was feeling bad, you struggled through it with me, and didn't give up on me. And I can't even begin to tell you how much that meant to me. So please, don't give up on yourself...and let us help you through this, the way you have helped so many here.

*hugs*
mj

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry about your best friend I kinda know that feeling ... with my father

Take good care,
Fuzzy xx