What Should I Do?

Hi, I'm Avery. I've been in trouble for a long time and it seems like my problems are never going to stop. This all started over 7 years ago. I believed that I had commited the unpardonable sin. It may not seem like the hugest deal to any body here, but it was horrible to me. I believed this, and carried a great guilt and prayed constantly to be forgiven for 5 years. I have always been a pretty serious Christian, being a preachers kid. No one knew that I believed this, not even my parents. After 2 years of college, I became too sick to go to classes, so I just stayed at home all of the time. For over a semester, I had barley been attending them anyway, and it had brought my GPA way down. My mom and dad became worried about me, and after a year, took me to a psychologist. The psychologist put me in a mental hospital, diagnosed with "depression", and "schizophrenia". (5 years after thinking I had commited unpardonable sin.) I went the first time, saying that i didn't have schizophrenia (I still know that that is correct), and after a week, was sent home. I quit taking the meds because they were doing me no good, and making me gain 1 pound a day. I finally told my parents that I believed that I committed the unpardonable sin, and they relieved me, telling me that I hadn't. But, they sent me back to the mental hospital for another week, still saying that I had schizophrenia, because I wouldn't take my meds. I was angry by this time, though getting better because I knew that I hadn't commited the unpardonable sin. After taking me home, my parents kept me at home for an additional 1 1/2 years, ignoring me, for the most part.
I finally started selling my stuff on ebay as an attempt to be able to move out of the house. As I began to make a profit, my Dad said that he would let me drive to my college town and apply for jobs. If I got one, he would pay for a temporary apartment for one month, but I would have to pay for everything after that. He said that he knew that I wouldn't make it, and still said that I had "gone off of the deep end". I did get a job, on the first try, and was able to keep one and also took classes for a year at WT. It was very hard, but I was determined that I was going to make it. I even lost the 14 pounds from the medicine and an additional 8 more. Finally, after a year, my dad admitted that I was doing well, and helped me a little financially, though he still hasn't apologized and he still is not very supportive. I thought that everything was going to be ok. It was at the end of the school year, and something else really bad did happen. I don't really want to talk about it. Well, during the summer, I jogged every day, and began to stop feeling so guilty and see things better. People noticed a positive difference, but I still felt sad and hopeless about the semester before.
I made an appointment with my old psychologist and asked him if he would think about changing my diagnosis. He noticed a huge difference and said that obviously I was ok. He agreed with me that I may have never had schizophrenia- several diseases have similar symptoms. He said that it could have been depression- like in Major Depressive Disorder. He refused to change the diagnosis, though. He even tried to diagnose me with OCD, which was frustrating. At least if he’s not saying I’m crazy, I can defend myself- LOL!! Everyone in my family, at least, agrees that I don’t have that.
I started to feel like I didn't care and just stayed in bed because of being worried about the semester before. I took 2 internet classes this semester. My grades have been really good for the last year, but I failed one of my classes and now, I think that I will be expelled fr. the school because of bad grades way in the past. All of my grades have been good except for that one, in the last year and a half.
I'm wondering about my whole life. I've always had high standards for the way I want my life to be, and getting a college education is one of the things that I want. I'm 24 years old, and I also really want to get married- all of my friends are married. I HATE MY LIFE. I keep trying VERY HARD, feeling very depressed, and barley making it. The way I see it, the things I need most are: time to finish getting over this guilt and the effects of it, and to be able to go to school. Maybe someone to help financially, too. I really would like to go to Asbury- this school is fine, though. I’m willing to try my best. I know that there are people who care, and would help me, but it’s not like I can just tell everyone about my past. Very few people know about this. If someone would believe in me, and hopefully give me a new start…
I was also wondering if there would be any way that I could be reinstated at the school. Maybe have some bad grades taken away fr. When I was sick, or get better, and then take a doctors note to a board, or the dean , or something. Because I’m usually an excellent student. Who should I talk to? I don’t want to feel like there are no answers. What should I do? It seems that the problems that don’t exist are the ones that end up messing up my life. I didn’t commit the unpardonable sin. I didn’t have schizophrenia! Now what?

Avery,

I'm sorry that things have been so tough for you. It sounds like your parents have not been very emotionally supportive, and the psychologist has not been particularly helpful either. My philosophy is that a bad therapist, is worse than no therapist.

I'm not sure why you're thinking you're going to be expelled. Maybe I missed something.

Try to be more patient with your expectations of yourself. Even though more women get married at later ages, there is still a lot of pressure in our society for young women to get married around your age. One of my good friends did not get married until she was 40. It has been a really good marriage.

I've lived with a lot of guilt probably most of my life, so I know this can be burdensome. My mother used a lot of guilt to persuade me to do what she wanted me to do. I don't recommend this as a parenting technique.

I worked at a college for awhile, and usually if you can get the support of the dean, you can get things worked out.

Keep us posted. You can private mail me if you like.

Jane

welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry that you have been having such a hard time lately. Keep reaching out to others and sharing your heart. Working with a therapist is likeley to help. I don't have any answers, but I do know that if you keep the faith, that all these things will work to something that you can be at peace with.

let us help support you while you're going through these struggles. would there be a counselor at school that you could talk to? or a teacher that knows you are a good student. i believe that if you can get one good advocate on your side at school, you can work this out. xoxoxo pat

Your post sounds a lot like me.......unfortunately, I still have some of those feelings and I am 45. My reflectiona...and advice would be:

1. I have major depression....you seem to also. Don't be afraid of medication and don't buy into the stigma mental illness ....I was and I road the roller coaster of emotions far too long.... I would take medication and then talk myself out of it That pattern did a lot of damage in the long run.

2. Believe in yourself!!! You will struggle at times...anyone with an illness does.........but you will be a much more compassionate person in the long run....and a gift to those that struggle also.

3. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

4. Find someone you can bounce concerns off of..... a therapist, special family member or friend, etc. I say special, because sometimes those thoughts that come with major depression and OCD (I only have obsessive thoughts) are a bit scary or odd to someone "unprepared" so to speak. Kind of like thinking of the "unpardonable sin".....I was sexually abused and I STILL pray for forgivness....I intellectually know that it was not my fault......but when bad things happen I am sure it is because I was bad.....MY sin out to punish everyone........those kind of thoughts.....need to be talked out......or even typed out here. Have someone or a place where you can sort out the rational and irrational thoughts. When my depression starts kicking up again so do my irrational obsessive thoughts............. Know YOUR thoughts.... and talk or type them out.............please!

5. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!

I know there are more.......and I will post again.......I just didn't want you to think there was no one who understood............take care!

I have a lot of hope for you based on what you have written here. You have a good understanding of what you have been through, and it sounds like you are ready to heal and to recover your life and your dreams. You are motivated to move ahead. You have the intelligence and determination that it takes to succeed in school.

Do you find your psychologist to be helpful? If you do, then that would be the first person to talk to about your plans for the future and where to go from here. If this psychologist doesn't help then you need to find someone else - someone who believes in your potential and will help you to reach for it. You might consider the school counseling center if one is available, as they will know what you can do about your status with the school and whether anything can be done about your past grades. A lot of schools will replace the failing or low grade if you retake the class.

You really can do this!

Rap

Hi Avery. I look forward to reading your posts. Maybe chat?
Welcome to PC. I think you will like it here.

Thank you. I feel a lot better. I'm going to make an appointment w/ the school counsellor tomorrow. (: Avery

My school had a great counseling center. It helped me to see my negative bias and learn to fight it.
As for the unpardonable sin, I have wondered what that is. May I state my theory? I think it is the refusal to accept Jesus as your saviour. The sin was mentioned when the people accused Jesus of removing demons through the power of Satan. I have wondered about it because I once thought that I had done the sin. I somehow managed to stop thinking that way.
As for your grades, I doubt they will kick you at for old grades. However, I am glad that you are going to talk to the school counselor. He/she may be able to help you figure out how to acheive graduation despite your ilness. As for talking to others, I agree with the previous posting, it is hard to share thoughts with some people. Some people just tell you that you shouldn't think that way.
I would suggest a different counselor. I didn't read any comment similar to schizophrenia. Of course, I am not a counselor. But, I have a classmate who received some kind of personality disorder dx that wasn't true. A Christian counselor set her straight on that. Perhaps you can find a counselor who can help you straigten out this situation if it isn't true.