[desirae]

Has anybody here ever had a strong fear that they may turn into their parents one day?

I think of this everyday. I know that mental illnes is hertitary. My mother and father are both very ill people.

My mother is an obsessive, controlling, paranoid, jealous, and manaic person. She throws huge tantrums when she don't get her way. She verbally shoots you down with words I would never mention here in Psych. For example *****, worthless, and loser. She manipulates and messes with my sister's and my heads.

My father is a minister who obsesses about God. He prays for 12 hours a day, and once when I was 14, him and the church restrained me to perform an exorsism. He's very paranoid that the evil in the world is coming for him.

Everyday I fear I will be like them. When I look in the mirror thier images haunt me. There genes are swimming in my blood.

The way I talk, walk, flip my hair, do my dishes, fold my sheets, and everything else is the way my parents had once done it. They are inside of me, unconsciencsly or not.

I don't want to become my mother and father. What can I do to stop this cycle of illness? All I want is for my children to have a healthy and stable mother, so one day will be healthy and stable too. How do I forget my parents and move on and become my own person?

Desirae

[Frozen_Heart]

Yes, I fear and slip over the edge occassionally. Each time I fall into their trap, I hate myself even more.

I didn't think I would ever do or say the things that happened but after finding another source of physical abuse (first boyfriend- that's for the hospital visit!) I guess it reinforces that behavior.

It's like I can actaully feel my father come alive inside my body (so to speak), something will trigger and, as I was told for years, 'the only way I [father] can get my point across is raising my voice-just getting your attention".

Since I was married for so many years, I've never spent so much time alone raising my children and now I'm not even working. I wish my T appoitment was last week but it's not until next week.

I'm on the Titanic and I know help is on the way but sometimes I feel as if I'm sinking fast.

I hope this makes sense and I'm afraid of the responses I may get. I just want to get rid of half of me.

My mother had a saying "I hope when you have kids they act like you." and "I hope you have kids just like you some day." LOL

my mother couldn't get away from the fact that I have the same type voice that she has. people can't tell the two of us apart on the phone. (came in handy for those school nurse calling home to check on missing student at times LOL.

Anyway I know in some aspects I have turned out just like my mother. A child learns with role models and parents are the first and primary role models in a childs life. I don't let the simularities between mom and me get me down.

What has been learned consciously and unconsciously can be consciously taken out of the picture and relearned the correct way through therapy and taking parenting classes, anger management classes, Depression management classes, research and actively working on those problem areas.

So that is what I do. When I come across something I don't like in comparing mom and me I take out of the picture and change it to the correct way of doing things. With things I likeabout my mom and me I keep and thank her for teaching or giving them to me through heredity.

[(JD)]

I don't fear it.. but I don't know anyone, who, as they age..don't realize there are just some things that are genetic! lol Manerisms, voice inflections, ( baldness?) yeah... but we can change behavior once we recognize it and refuse it. There are some things I want to be the same though, too.

[Hopefull]

Yeah. My nephew has some of my odd thinking patterns and this worries me. I don't want him to turn into me. I sometimes do my negative thinking with him. But, my sister nails me and points out the fact that the thought is wrong. She is a bit harsh with it. But, she just can't believe some of the odd beliefs that I can hold.
As for my mom and step-father, I worry that I will try to discipline kids like they did me. I do not have kids. My sister will sometimes say something mean to my nephew. But, she tries to let him know that she doesn't mean it. She just needs to vent. Her husband also tries to step in and help when he sees that she is gettting too frustrated to deal with my nephew. I worked in a daycare for a while. But, I never could figure out how to discipline the kids. I will have to take parenting classes before I can raise kids.
Suggestions: Work on your issues in therapy, self-help groups etc, be honest about your weaknesses. Also, be willing to get help early. A lot of mental illnesses can be prevented or atleast kept at a much lower severity if one gets help early on. Thats what I do. I think it saved me from a major/minor depressive episode.

[Lexicon78]

The only thing I can say is that you can choose to stop the cycle with you. Try to notice what you are doing. As soon as the urge hits you to do things that are much like your parents actions, think about it. Think about if you would want to do that to someone else...or even how it made you feel when it was done to you.

Good luck.

[nothemama8]

I was very lucky to have a loving Grandmother raise me never had to live with my Mother until I was older, when I find myself doing anything like her I stop and think of how my Mama (grandmother) would do it, as Lexie says we can change the pattern

[backandforth]

I don't think you can forget your parenst just as much as you can't not have them be a part of you... but you are already your own person, you're not all them. genes only go so far, even if you do have similarities in habits, you still have a lot of power over being your own person. sometimes, these things are a part of a self-fulfilling prophecy, all I'm saying is, don't give up on the fact that you can be your own person. Think of someone who you know well, along w/ their family. I bet you you can list a lot of similarities btwn them and their family but also a lot of differences, right? Trust in who you are now and the fact that you don't have to follow their footsteps, knowing what you want and realizing what's important to you will help you live your life in a way that does not resemble the life of your mother or father.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but there is hope that we won't all 'follow in our parent's footsteps', at least I am hoping so!!!! Even if they would have been the most perfect parents, you still wouldn't be a 100% them, right?

[hazeleyes]

Hiya desirae. I totally can relate to your post. I've discussed this issue with my T. I used to FEEL like I WAS my mother. I'd look down at my hands and see HER, or feeling like my thoughts were the same as hers etc..... my voice, my eyes...the depression.... just my whole existence..... Then my T asked me to find something that was not like her. Something in my looks. She told me to look myself in the mirror and find things I like about myself, even if it means I have to make things up. Also, remember.... not everything is bad about your parents. Even if we look like our mom/dad, walk like them, sound like them...doesn't mean we are BAD. Right? ..... It's the fear of the "disease" tho. Of going crazy. Of making the same mistakes. Of doing the wrong thing even if we know what not to do.... of our own thoughts.... It's so frustrating. ... I wish there was a guarantee that we'll turn out better... and you know what? I think we will, in the end. Because we're here, looking for a solution!!! That's the difference.
love and peace

[EJ711]

Desirae -

I say stay close to your God and Saviour in your own way, and they will enable you to become the type of woman they want, and for whom they have a plan.

You're a remarkable young lady and mother already.

Jane