[kawi4]

I feel like I'm invisible. People walk past me and don't see me or acknowledge me even. There are moments when I wonder if this is even real or am I in one of those dreams where I'm shouting as loud as I can but nobody hears. Where I can run as fast as I want but I don't go anywhere.

I've told a few people what is going on but no one calls or seems willing to listen beyond being polite. It's been tough making friends these past few years but I thought I had a couple that I could turn to.

Being alone is nothing new, painful but not unfamiliar. I wish I was the only person left on this planet sometimes. At least then there would be a reason why no one wants anything to do with me. It's been like this since my earliest memories. Always the one outside the circle wishing someone would notice me.

Do you want to know how pathetic my life is? When I go home every day, the first thing I do is look at my answering machine hoping to see the light flashing indicating a message waiting. There hasn't been one since before Christmas. Every time I look it feels like my heart is being torn out.

I've got to turn my mind off somehow... I feel like the self-distruct sequence has been initiated and I'm running out of time.

[gma45]

Originally Posted by kawi4

I feel like I'm invisible. People walk past me and don't see me or acknowledge me even. There are moments when I wonder if this is even real or am I in one of those dreams where I'm shouting as loud as I can but nobody hears. Where I can run as fast as I want but I don't go anywhere.

I've told a few people what is going on but no one calls or seems willing to listen beyond being polite. It's been tough making friends these past few years but I thought I had a couple that I could turn to.

Being alone is nothing new, painful but not unfamiliar. I wish I was the only person left on this planet sometimes. At least then there would be a reason why no one wants anything to do with me. It's been like this since my earliest memories. Always the one outside the circle wishing someone would notice me.

Do you want to know how pathetic my life is? When I go home every day, the first thing I do is look at my answering machine hoping to see the light flashing indicating a message waiting. There hasn't been one since before Christmas. Every time I look it feels like my heart is being torn out.

I've got to turn my mind off somehow... I feel like the self-distruct sequence has been initiated and I'm running out of time.

Welcome to PC! You are not alone .I get those same feelings a lot. There are some really nice caring people here. This place has helped me when I felt so alone.

[Leed]

Bless your heart! I know the feeling of being invisible. I've also felt like that. I'd be in a group of friends and they'd be discussing something -- I'd add something to the discussion, but it seemed that NO ONE heard me say a thing!! That's a horrible feeling.

I finally realized that my self-esteem was rock bottom, and I was perhaps generating that feeling to everyone. Maybe I made people feel uncomfortable because I didn't feel good about myself -- no one wants to be around a depressed person. So I got some counseling -- boy, did it work!!! My self-esteem rose dramatically, and I was more at ease with myself. I believe that others saw this -- and I wasn't ignored anymore.

Perhaps counseling would help you too! It's worth a shot. I wish you the very best. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Elana05]

(((kawi4)))
We are here and we are listening.
The feeling of intense loneliness often goes along with depression. I know that for me it also carried over from my childhood and my feelings of being abandoned. Did you ever have feelings like this when you were young?
Hope you will keep posting...

[kawi4]

Thanks to all those that responded.

I'll try to tell my story in a couple of paragraphs...

My Mother was a heroin addict and a prostitute. Both my Sister's and my Fathers were tricks. We were adopted by my Aunt and her Husband at birth. The were both alcoholics. My adopted Father beat me and molested me from my earliest memories till I was about 8. At that time he left us. My Mom (aunt) did her best trying to put our lives back together for about a year. When I was 9, she decided to take her life. By chance the first test shot woke me up and I was standing in the doorway of her bedroom when she fired the fatal shot. My Sister and I tried to put her on the bed but she was too heavy for us to lift. For some reason the phones all went dead so we couldn't call for help. The next morning the phones came back on and the police came. The next year was a whirlwind of shuffling back and forth between family friends eventually ending up with us in foster care. After moving from one nightmare placement to the next, I ran away for the first time at 13. I crossed the border into the US and spent 5 years hitch hiking around the US. I survived by begging, eating out of soup kitchens and garbage cans, and selling my body to whatever pedophile wanted me. Sometimes I didn't even ask for money. I just did it to feel like someone cared about me. After 5 years I came back to Canada and ended up in a pennitentary for 6 1/2 years. During that time I became addicted to masturbation and porn. I already had a drug problem but that and the porn became my number one way of escaping and coping with my life. I

I'm 45 now and I'm still addicted to porn and am incapable of having a normal intimate relationship with a woman. I think I'm bi-sexual but feel intense shame over feeling that way. I've been off drugs for 15 years but have recently started smoking pot again.

I've been to the psych wards and had therapy. I've tried endless combinations of drugs. Nothing seems to help. The only time I feel even remotely happy is when I have my kids, and most of the time I find it difficult to cope when I have them.

There's more, but that's a condensed version of my life.

Thanks for taking the time to listen...

[Daonnachd]

I don't know what to say but I read through your post and understand what you're feeling.

I would ring and leave a message, but don't have your number. I'm not asking for it, that's too much info to share here. But consider yourself called, hugged, listened to.

a'best,

v

[Fuzzybear]

[kawi4]

Thanks everyone for the support. Things are a bit better, not much but I'm putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward...

Hello, kawi4. I wish you well.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Kawi, wow, thank you for sharing your history. I can't imagine what you go through but I think I know something about what you mentioned in your first post.

I think it is our society that we live in and our culture. People are so independently minded and just going from point A to point B. It is disconnecting with people that is seems very predominant in our culture. This does further harm to those of us with depression. Anyone agree?

[bagged5pt7]

i feel exactly the same way except i get home from work and check facebook not the answering machine

[St406]

I can empathize with how you have been treated. I have been there too. It seems that at times the average person just doesn't know how to comfort or relate to one in personal need. They become intimidated, they don't understand. It seems companionship is what you need from your post. For me, who others would deem antisocial, I know now I need others in my life. Others who can empathize and relate. The average person who says look on the bright side does not help. The realization I've come to is that I have to be aggressive in seeking them out. I am in the process of seeking out and attending depression support groups--in person. I know I can't seem too needy or desperate.

Maybe that route might help you. You've taken this step. I would bet that most of the people on this site would relate.

Those who have had troubled lives (alcoholics, addicts), they have support groups. And regardless of who YOU are---there are others who would welcome you. The task is finding them. I've given you the way I'm taking--maybe that somehow helps.

[St406]

I replied not having read your life history. It is horrible what you went through and what you continue to go through. Any compassionate human would empathize with you.

My advice still is to seek out others who have been so traumatized and victimized in life. I hope I somehow helped you.

[alwaysrejoice]

kawi- i hope things get better for you, you derserve it.

[Marla500]

God bless you Kawi

[kawi4]

Thanks everyone for the kind words of support. It means alot that you are all willing to put yourselves out there. Things are a bit better. I've struggled with addictions my whole life and I go to 12 step meetings. The trouble is that no matter what I do in the program, it doesn't deal with my depression. The people there don't understand why things aren't getting better for me. I've been clean almost 16 years now, but the depression never goes away. It eases off for awhile sometimes but it always comes back. The meds didn't do anything for me really so I stopped taking them about 3 years ago. I feel better for having gotten rid of the side affects. I read something awhile ago that I found inspiring. I don't remember who wrote it... "We have to stop waiting for the storm to end. We have to learn how to dance in the rain..." So that is what I'm trying to do. Trying to learn how to cope when it's bad. If I keep waiting for it to go away so I can be normal, my life will pass me by while I'm waiting. I have to learn to make the best of my life no matter what I'm going through.

TC everyone and I hope everyone finds something to inspire them.

One who shows signs of mental aberration is, inevitably, perhaps, but cruelly, shut off from familiar, thoughtless intercourse, partly excommunicated; his isolation is unwittingly proclaimed to him on every countenance by curiosity, indifference, aversion, or pity, and in so far as he is human enough to need free and equal communication and feel the lack of it, he suffers pain and loss of a kind and degree which others can only faintly imagine, and for the most part ignore. ~Charles Horton Cooley

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by kawi4

Always the one outside the circle wishing someone would notice me.

.

I can really relate to that - it is such a lonely feeling - take care, this is a good place to be.

[Marla500]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

One who shows signs of mental aberration is, inevitably, perhaps, but cruelly, shut off from familiar, thoughtless intercourse, partly excommunicated; his isolation is unwittingly proclaimed to him on every countenance by curiosity, indifference, aversion, or pity, and in so far as he is human enough to need free and equal communication and feel the lack of it, he suffers pain and loss of a kind and degree which others can only faintly imagine, and for the most part ignore. ~Charles Horton Cooley

This is so good, and this is why we need each other, and I am so glad everyone is here

[Marla500]

Originally Posted by kawi4

I read something awhile ago that I found inspiring. I don't remember who wrote it... "We have to stop waiting for the storm to end. We have to learn how to dance in the rain..." .

indeed we do!