Desperately need advice to help my husband with chronic depression!

I am a 26-year-old wife and mother of 2 boys, struggling to help my chronically depressed husband. His depression started to become obvious about 2 years ago at his previous job. He became frustrated with his boss and started calling out of work on a repetitive basis, sleeping until all hours of the day. At the time, I was pregnant with our 2nd son (who was planned), gave birth in February, and my husband fell into an even worse depression and eventually was fired from his job that May. After losing his job, our home went into foreclosure and he hasn't been interested in doing anything about it since. He did get another job about a month and a half later, but one that pays far less and does not offer benefits that we even come close to affording.

I've started to feel hurt and alone myself, and began taking the blame for all of our troubles. He started throwing it in my face that we've been in the position that we are because I couldn't be bothered to work to support my family. He constantly screams at me and tells me that I make him miserable, despite the fact that I do absolutely EVERYTHING for this man and our children. And what do I do? I sit there and take every bit of it, because I know in my heart that he has a chronic illness and is in complete denial about it. I cry alone on many occasions, trying desperately to come up with a plan of action to help him, while attempting to put a stop to an impending divorce. I love this man, because I know that the person he is now is NOT the man that I married 6 years ago. I feel like I'm living with a complete stranger who just looks like my husband. I keep praying that the man I fell in love with will snap back into reality and be there for his sons and I again.

He finally admitted on his own last night that he needs professional help, but actually getting him in to see someone is going to be the problem. He absolutely hates taking any type of medication, even for his allergies that he suffers with on a daily basis. I am at my breaking point and don't have any clue how to help him anymore. Even the times that he's brutally mean and nasty, I turn around and fall into the role of being his support system once again, because I've had depression before and I know how miserable it feels... But it's truly become a vicious cycle and it is interfering with every aspect of his life that was important to him before.

I fear that my continued support is leading to more and more resentment on my end, especially when he gets in one of his moods and asks me for a divorce for the millionth time (yet will come crawling into bed with me later in the evening and apologize, asking to cuddle). I am tired of being treated like a piece of garbage and am terrified to think of how much worse his condition will get without help. How do you REALLY get someone to see that they have a serious illness that is ruining their life, as well as the people who care about them the most? How do you get someone to follow through in getting that help that they so badly need? I am at my wit's end and do not want to give up on my husband, but I don't know what to do anymore.

If there is anyone out there reading this and can give me practical advice in order to help my husband and my marriage, I am willing to try almost anything at this point. The medical insurance that we have is very basic and we cannot afford to pay for a practitioner out of pocket. He will not get help at one of the local churches, not because he isn't religious, but because he feels that he'll be "preached" to. My final predicament with this is that even if he does manage to get in to seek psychiatric help, he will not take the medication as prescribed. I am fearful of the long term consequences of his depression, especially with our children, as well as the fact that there have been prior suicides in his family. I'm scared to death for him and just want him to be happy! Please, help me to help him!!!

Hello & Welcome, MsMS315!

Be sure to visit the Caregivers Support Forum and Depression Resources sections.

Here are a couple books addressing the extraordinarily difficult situation you face. Perhaps reviews or previews of these books might hold some gem for you.

• Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond
• How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout

PC's Dr. Grohol rated that first book "Worth Your Time! +++" in a 2003 review.

Hello, MsMS315. You are not responsible for his illness.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/family...-refuses-help/
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print

If he will not get help, you may have a decision to make: "Would you be better off with him or without him?" ~Ann Landers

I agree - Rohag gave you some other parts of the site that might help too, and Byz is spot on it's NOT your fault.

Please don't let these feelings overtake you. Your husband needs help. Is there anyone you can go to for emotional support at this time?

Bless your heart -- it sounds like you're at the end of your rope. It's very difficult living with someone who is severely depressed -- you are NOT to blame for what has happened.

Call your county's Mental Health agency -- almost ALL counties have them. See if they offer low-cost or free counseling. Many times they'll offer it on an "ability to pay" basis. Perhaps you can make an appointment for your husband, and then tell him afterwards! Tell him that you've already made the appointment, and he MUST go if he values his family. Make sure he understands that you cannot keep going on like this.

If the county doesn't offer counseling, ask them where you COULD get low-cost or free counseling. They should be able to tell you. Perhaps if you went with your husband to the first session, he might be more willing to continue himself afterwards. I wish you the very best -- I know you're miserable. God bless & please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

To MsMS, I can relate to you as I am a mirror image of your husband. I am struggling with severe depression and anxiety and have become totally immobilized. My life is being systematically thrown away by myself.

I have come to the realization that medication IS the only route right now. I take it reluctantly. I am a Registered Nurse, barely capable of anything anymore. MEDICATION is the answer for now. Therapy can follow.

He must realize that he is possibly doing irreversible damage to his life and mind by not taking it. Even if he is not verbalizing it, I would bet he has strong feelings of self harm. Men don't verbalize it .I too would welcome a divorce to get away from all responsibility and live in isolation. Isolation will just further feelings of self harm. People have less reason to live if in isolation and overcome with their lives.

This has happened to me ten years ago and it took close to two years to slowly but surely come back. I know I can not handle the simplest of responsibilities right now---I wish someone would take them from me. It sounds like he feels the same.

Can family step forward and somehow help?
Can you get him to a depression support group---in person? He will realize he is not alone--they will drive home the medication issue. There are men there who have come back from where depression leads .Again---I see medication as the needed first step. After that he can take a small step each day to regain control of his life.

Let your husband read my post----maybe I could reach him. I will look for a response from you. I would gladly communicate with him.

If he didn't have you to direct his anger towards he would probably direct it towards himself and his depression would get even worse. Its better to blame something externally than take the emotional fallout on yourself. He did it to his boss first, then you, and if you leave, probably himself or strangers.

I agree that he needs professional help, same happened with me when i got newly married and lot of things started to go wrong and we blamed each other for the consequences and both ended up being depressed.

To MsMS315. I again read your post and can see that your husband has been highly resistant to taking positive steps.

Could your family members, especially those who have suffered from the suicides in his family, somehow come forward and confront him with you and initiate a forceful motion to get help at a psych facility? An intervention like confrontation?

I know this site prohibits you from talking of actual current self harm threats. I will address it because it's frequent with depression. If he ever does talk about suicide, you can take action. If he verbalizes it, you can go to a county psych facility and have an order drawn up that will be acted upon by police. The police would come and escort him to the facility. Or you could just call the police and they will do the same if time does not allow the trip to the psych facility. He would be transported in an ambulance.

Another post described depression this way:

Depression is like cancer
Some are curable
Some are treatable
Some are terminal.

Supportive, professional ,caring action can prevent it from being terminal.

Hi--you mentioned that your husband is now not like the man you married. But maybe it is only now that your are seeing his true self? Many people have a hard time being their authentic selves, even with their spouses, for fear of rejection. You also mentioned suicides in his family. How much do you know about his past and family dynamics? I feel there is something there. As for him not wanting to seek therapy because he does not want meds maybe he would be more open to talk therapy, without meds. and to get him started on that journey, perhaps a gentle heart to heart with you on what is really troubling him? When I was working with children whenever they were distressed or throwing a tantrum I tried to talk calmly to them to try to find out why they were feeling bad and it usually calmed them down. they all just wanted to be understood. I know you are under a lot of stress too but maybe it is worth a try? and maybe as he finds that opening up about his pain relieves it he will continue with the therapy? Wishing you all the best-Terry

This is just my 2c. Not gospel obviously, and god knows I've made a lot of mistakes. If it is helpful, feel free to PM me.

I saw your post and it hit very close to home. I wanted to share my experience in the hopes that it may benefit SOMEONE.

I am recently separated, and the root cause of my separation was my depression.

I have suffered major depression since I was six. I was married 10 years and ultimately the issue of support killed the marriage. My wife tried. But she tried in ways that weren't relevant to me. In the end I had an affair. The affair occurred because the woman I was with provided so much for me EMOTIONALLY. She ended up giving me the only happy days of my life. And my three days of happiness were well worth sacrificing a decade of marriage.

Suggestions:

The toughest thing for a caregiver is that depressed people expect their partners to read there needs and moods. And when this doesn't happen they become resentful and bitter. What to do? Ask, point blank, "What do you need? What can I do?" Ask those questions, and you've done the single most important thing.

Touch. Touch is healing. Hug your partner. Hold your partner. DO NOT ASK. There is little worse for a grown man to be asked, "Do you want a hug?" He will feel childish.

Listen appropriately. Does your husband usually speak literally or in metaphors? If he is a literal speaker respond directly to what he asks and don't act like you know better. If he speaks metaphorically you may need to do more probing.

Those are the big two.

Finally, about you. Your needs have to be met, too. People with depression in relationships HAVE TO SHELVE THEIR TROUBLES for their loved ones. Why? Because the person who is injured needs care for a discrete span of time. Depressed partners MUST SHELVE their depression for their loved ones. Must. Anything less is unacceptable. It sets up a bad precedent, and dangerous pitfalls down the road. When you need care, make sure he gives it. And if he doesn't, confront the issue in couples therapy. I'm a 38 year old male who has suffered severe depression (borderline suicidal) for 32 years. And whatever I'm going through, I put my loved ones first, because I know their conditions are immediate and likely temporary, whereas mine are life long.

Lastly, you are carrying a large burden. Under the best circumstances someone in your position risks depression. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And NEVER feel badly about it. Be good to yourself, be generous to yourself, be gentle with yourself.

I do wish my marriage hadn't been destroyed. It's not my wife's fault. If anything, it's mine.

Best of luck, and PM me if I can be helpful.

(apologies for grammar/spelling - typing on an iPad...)