Lost the will

Did you ever discuss it with your doc?

In a very, very roundabout way. Yes.. So essentially if you mean in any useful way, the answer would have to be no.

Do you know what way would work best for you?

Probably try and convince myself that I can't change the past, I can't change what happened, no matter how much I wish I could.
The guilt would probbaly be solved by that, but I hoenstly don't know how to start the ball rolling as it were..

Hi ACQPL- This sentence could be taken as saying that you are responsible for what happened. But is that really true? If not, then you might want to look deeper into why you feel so responsible. If the starting point was your sister's passing, maybe explore that with your T. and do remember to guide them as much as they are trying to guide you. You can always PM me if you want to. I wish you much peace.

I do feel responsible, even though every rational thought in my head is screaming at me that i'm not :/
And yes.. I do need to start discussing this all with my T, I've been far to withdrawn recently.

Right,
I've had a chat to my T..
Which wen't alright.. I spoke to her about my sister, and sort of, in a very roundabout way spoke to her about my friend.
She said to make sure I talk to her about my friend next time I go, but i'm not sure If I really want to anymore :/ I'm not sure if its going to actually help me more than hurt me..

DSKSJFGKSFHGAJ:SSDJF: /rant

Good for you for trying to get help! I hope it helped you a little even if you didn't feel like talking about your friend. You know best what feels right for you.

When I used to go to this grief counselor I did feel worse afterwards. I guess for me it was because we were not going down the right path. I didn't feel she was asking the right questions.

Yes it helped me a bit.. Its also brought back a lot of the thoughts I'd stuffed down in the depths of my thoughts, which has been a rather arduous process of sorting that rubbish out.
Overall (I hate to say it) I think i actually feel worse in myself for now opening up as much as I have, it makes me feel vulnerable beyond words..

the first thing we must do for ourselves...ourself!

is validate the feeling

give credit for the pain....

say...yes it hurts...

and try to live regardless...

my history is complete with suicide....

but away I go

Well the feelings that you had stuffed down for so long were hurting you so badly. Pulling them up to deal with them is the only way to heal. The process will be painful but do give it a chance. but do it at your pace and trust your instincts regarding everything. Do let your T know how you are feeling. Maybe she needs to proceed more gently? Wishing you well.

I tried, And I failed again.. Tried opening up to my T, tried explaining it in a roundabout way, and no, stil I can't even speak about it..
I think there's something very wrong with me.. Honestly feel like i'm just wasting my T's time..

There's nothing wrong with you. Rehashing traumatic memories is extremely painful and not easy to do. Perhaps you are not ready yet? or maybe you can write it down in a letter for your T? It's good to hear you have been trying. All the best.

It feels like there is though.. why can't I just talk about it, get it out.. it literally makes me shake with self hatred because of my stupidness..
And I have to be ready, I don't feel like i can cope anymore
I'm not good with letters, I always feel like I can't put it in the right format, or maybe something could be "lost in translation" as it were...
Thankyou for your support so far Terry.. And everyone else.. <3

Hi AC--please don't push yourself into something you are not ready for. You know yourself best what you can bear. If maybe later down the road you still want to air your feelings, do you know another avenue besides writing it down? You can always keep posting.