Lost the will

I've compeltely lost the will to make any progress, to find a new T, to try and sort out these thousands of leauges of weights above my head.

I've got no drive, no happiness, no NEED to want or even bother with getting better.. I've got off my meds now as it was leacing the same but just turning me into a Zombie. Yes they have thier positivies, but those are just brief and not memorable for me..

I don't understand, I spend a lot of my life happy, I have friends, I have an amazing girlfriend (who i could kill sometimes), I have a job.. And yet here I am moaning and wallowing in self pity, because I can't manage to sort my sodding life out and get on with it.

Why the hell am I such a mess..
How did I get here ?
I don't really know, I've lost a lot of people recently, and the loss I think is whats really taking its toll on me.. The fact i'll never see them again.

**********************************Graphic (ish) story.. re: the death of my closest friend.. possible trigger ***************************

Something I really need to get off my chest as its been eating away at me relentlessly for weeks now..

I was in a convoy with my friend going down the road, I should have beein in front, however as I'd decided to carry my friends in my car, He wen't ahead of me. It was a clear day, no rain or anything.. I was a good 50 meters behind my friends car.
I didn't actually realise what happened when it did as my reaction was completley automatic.
As we came up to a viaduct passthrough we where both in lane one, when suddenly his car swerved to avoid something and ploughed straight into the central archway of the viaduct. Car VS several hundred tons of brick, needless to say the bridge won. Richard died on impact.
We believe he may have swerved to avoid something, but none of us will ever know. His car had to be cut into several pieces to get his body out..
He was on his way to meet his girlfriend, and his first day at his new job, which he was so proud of getting..
Since that day, I have been feeling guilt, and not just guilt. Its that guilt that feels like acid has replaced your blood, but has been made to cause you pain without killing you yet.
I should have been in the front of the convoy, and I should have been the car without anyone else in. WHY was it not me.. He had so much, and has now lost so much. I don't have anything to loose, not that many would care.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...&id=8441&cn=58
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/com...3/METHOD=print
http://www.health.harvard.edu/fhg/up...ed-grief.shtml

Very useful sites those.. thankyou ! Wish they came up on my google searches though !

Still not made any progress myself I'm afraid :/ *sigh* I'm sure i'll find a way somehow..

Hi there ACQPL,

How long have you experienced the depression? Did you feel this way before this incident happened?

So guilt here is a major factor for you-the losses that you mentioned earlier-were these also from your expeirences in the military?

"I don't have anything to loose, not that many would care"

How come?

How are the people around you reacting towards your depression?

The things you've talked about here are all very legite reasons to allow yourself to feel what you are going to feel, at your own pace. The incident you mentioned above is a deeply tragic experience-I hope you are able to keep talking about it.

Take care,
-obj

Dear ACQPL-it sounds like you have survivor's guilt. That is very common after traumatic events. Here is an article for you --http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art23564.asp
All the best--Terry

To lose a friend like that would make anyone feel terrible beyond words. If I had been in your situation I think I would feel horrible guilt and a mess.

It sounds like you have a lot of pain you would like to stop feeling, but you sound like you have people close to you, who would feel loss and pain if you weren't here.

I hope you will ask someone to help you find a therapist to help you with your grief, if you don't have the will to do it yourself.

Yes, guilt is certinatly the main driving cause of how I feel.. And To be honest, I do keep doing the stupid thing and "get on with it" type of attitude which i've always had..
Aye Survivors guilt more or less sums it up compeltely :/
Yes I do need to stop feeling it, however I need to stop trying to rush it, otherwise its just going to complicate things.
They don't know, one of my lifelong skills has been lying to everyone about how i am, and how I am. I opened up to a close freind last night while drunk, and they was shocked as they honestly saw me as the "happy go-easy guy who was the life of meetings".

Years, about 13 to 14 years now (give or take a few)

Started a different med yesterday, feeling more like a zombie, however the doc said it should "hopefully wear off after a few days". He didn't sound to convinced..

I'd like to let you know how much I appreciate your feedback so far, It honestly does mean so much to me.

Oh and for the websites, thankyou, they have been bookmarked ! Some very good and interesting reads there !

They don't know, one of my lifelong skills has been lying to everyone about how i am, and how I am. I opened up to a close freind last night while drunk, and they was shocked as they honestly saw me as the "happy go-easy guy who was the life of meetings".

How did that feel-to tell them? Were they supportive after their intial reaction?

Years, about 13 to 14 years now (give or take a few)

Do you remember when it first started?

Started a different med yesterday, feeling more like a zombie, however the doc said it should "hopefully wear off after a few days". He didn't sound to convinced..

How are you feeling about it now?

I'd like to let you know how much I appreciate your feedback so far, It honestly does mean so much to me.[/quote]



Take care,
-obj

Aye, but i've never been so worried in my life after it.. And rather paranoid since, as I feel bad for feeling that way !

Yes, It was due to the death of my sister in July 1998

I honestly couldn't tell you :/ can't figure it out.. Sorry !

Not sure 'bout much right now my dog is the only thing that loves me and that's keeping me a float

Dear ACQPL,

I suffered from guilt issues for over a decade. I saw a few therapists and they all said I did not need to feel that way. My friends and family said the same thing. But that did not make me feel any better. In fact, their lack of understanding of what an irrational mire guilt could be made me feel worse. What did help was when I finally dissected every situation that made me feel guilty, and every thing related to it. I peeled back the situations like the layers of an onion until I understood why I felt the way I did. I found everything was interrelated and it was only then that I was finally able to be compassionate towards myself. I'm not sure if that will work for you but I hope it does.

I know it is also easier said than done. I never thought I would ever be able to climb out of the pit of despair that consumed me 24/7, but I have. I still relapse once in a while but at least I have more tools now to deal with things.

I know I said therapy did not work for me but I must clarify that it might have if I had voiced to my therapists what I needed from them. I now know I should have guided them just as much as I needed them to guide me. I think if you find a good therapist and talk about what happened with your sister, and with your friend, your pain might ease.

Well, I really wish you all the best on this very important journey. May you find peace and happiness eventually--Terry

*sigh*

I had just about acepted all of this, got on the wagon and sorting myself out, which was good !
Now myself and long term partner have split up.
GAHHHH Why can't life ever be simple, or just give me a bit of rest !?
Along with all this rubbish, my SH ideals have now come storming back to me, along with ED's.. I honestly want to find a hole to curl up in and sleep for a thousand years, then I may consider waking up, when everyone who ever knew me will be long gone.

Congrats on being on the wagon! as for your breakup I know that is painful but don't forget to take care of yourself. Do make sure you get enough sleep. I hope you will feel better soon.

Thankyou for your kind words.. All of you.. they really do mean a lot in trying to keep some sense of reality.
I'm not doing well at all at the moment.. but all you wonderful people here mean so much to me.. I can't give up..

And today was the day of stupidity..

I spent so long avoiding it, so long putting it of, and now that i've been broken.. I don't know what to do with myself..
I hurt myself in ways i swore I would never do again.. it was amazing, but I feel so sick now..
I hate myself

I care, and I don't even know you!

I always have a hard time grasping why people care.. I'm just another person, from another place, who is a nobody.. even in real life
Now i've screwed up so much i expect people to not care to be honest..

I'm so sorry that you feel that you are a nobody. We all come into this world as innocent babes, definitely worthy human beings, and things happen to us which shape how we think and who we are. Maybe it might help to take some time and reflect on why you feel that way? I believe very much in looking back and trying to find the source of our problems. Wishing you well.

The reason I feel like I do, (well the only one i can think of) was that iwas always put down when i was yougner, I was never good enough, I never tried hard enough, I was never good enough for anyone.. More than likely I've carried it on into life, however I still genuinely belive in myself that, that is how I am..
Wrong ? I don't know.. I'm not really in a position to judge myself safety..

I think you have great insight. I'm so sorry people were so unkind to you when you were growing up. Those are our formative years so it makes total sense that those hurts have influenced how you feel about yourself. It is a terrible cycle. (those people were probably badly treated themselves too) But it can be stopped. You already have the tools because you said you have faith in yourself. How absolutely wonderful How did you get that faith? Was there one person who was good to you? As for your losses, how are you feeling about them nowadays?

Hmm the faith is a tad tempermental may i add..
And yes, my old man, but he may be gone within 8 months, so I don't know how i'll cope if that happens...
And how do i feel about my losses ? Horrible to be honest

you care enough to post, even though every thing seems horrible, and i care that u are still here. i didn't know your friend, but it is out of your control. i would be in a hospital if not for meds, i quit them three different times and all three times i went into a hospital. i just hope u don't give up completely. i know i want to at times, but i am still hanging in.. ( my shadow girl needs me)... my yorkie

Well even if it is not always in the forefront at least it is in there somewhere.

and I'm so sorry about your dad. Life can be so hard sometimes. I do hope he will get better. But whatever happens, he has given you a wonderful gift--to know that someone cared about and loved you.

as for your other situations, I reread your posts - have you ever processed your grief over your sister's passing? and the loss of your friend--it really was not your fault. You guys were just having fun...No one can see into the future. But despite all I've said, you will feel what you feel and I will respect that.

Yeah I know its out of my control Cin.. its just acccepting that fact which i find so difficult.

Terry- No I don't think i've ever properly processed my grief, never come to terms with it, probably why its biting me so hard now.