[beautifuldisaster78]

Hi all, I just got back from a 2wk stint in a psych hospital for telling my therapist I'd "given up" on life.

Now I'm home-have been for a couple weeks, but still very unsure of myself. I'm not wanting to hurt myself anymore, but it's like I don't know how to "be" either. I am on short term disability and waste way too much time on the internet or reading. I have all these long term and short term goals in my mind but it's like I don't have one ounce of motivation to do anything to reach those goals. Everyone hugs me and asks how I'm doing but only when I see them, they never call or come over. And when I have called the couple people I have called, are too busy or are dealing with their own stuff they've got going on.

How do you deal with life post-hospitalization? Any tips would be welcome, thanks

[alwaysrejoice]

I just got out Oct 7th or 8th or something like that. I'm on short term disability too. I'm trying to keep myself busy and reflect on what kind of things got me to this low point and how to avoid it next time. ya, my husband tells me to call my mom, my mom says call my friend.... its like im a ping pong ball. I decided today I am going to keep a detailed journal of my moods to bring to my T. I have been going through this for so many years.... so many medications... too many hospitals..... I'm trying something different this time.

[beautifuldisaster78]

That's a good idea. I've been looking at some iphone mood tracking apps to try and help me identify triggers and also what causes "good" days and that kind of thing.

Having a hard time explaining to family why I'm not going back to work right now. Some of them just don't get it.

[alwaysrejoice]

Ya my work people don't understand why I'm not going back! They are like mad at me! Ya maybe I'll look into those apps too. I work in retail so I'm going to be going back to the middle of a zoo! Tell your family you have some serious soul searching to do? Do you have a T? Blame it on them and say they suggest you dont go back yet.

[beautifuldisaster78]

haha, yeah I've been blaming it on my T, but all I get are responses like "hmph" and a rolling of the eyes, or a "Why do they think that?" and expect some explanation they might agree with that I can't provide. My T says I just need to learn to let them think what they want to think and know that I am doing the right thing for me right now. My work people are similar but I don't talk to them much. The human resources lady is cool about it but everyone else is not. I guess it's a pain for people to hold a job when you're on FMLA but that's what it's for.

Just wish I had better plans. And then sometimes I really feel crappy, but I feel like I shouldn't because I'm out of the hospital now, I'm supposed to be on the upswing of things you know? Not that I expect to get out and have everything be perfect but it does seem expected of me that my mood and things in general be headed in the "upwards" direction so when it's not it feels like a failure and I don't want all that to be for nothing.

Sorry this is turning into rambling. Just been a rough day overall. Despite the face I took a 3hr nap because again, I have no motivation to do anything. UGH!

[alwaysrejoice]

Well I got out Oct 7th and had 6 more ECT treatments outpatient. Then I started having MAJOR anxiety, like i never had before. I stopped the ECT. It helped with the depression a lot but I have to address the anxiety before I can do anymore or even decide if its necessary to do anymore. I'm still working with my doctor to get the right med combo before I feel comfortable to go back to work. You have to be feeling better than when you went in right? You will have bad days but it doesnt mean you have to start all over. Were you born in 78? I was 11/25/78. What was the hospital like that you were in? The one I went to was like a PRISON. The one nurse yelled at me for crying too loud at night. HELLO LADY IM DEPRESSED THAT IS WHAT WE DO! LOL!

[beautifuldisaster78]

I do feel better than when I went in. I need to remember that too. When did they decide to do ECT on you? Did you ask for it? Is anxiety a normal side effect? I really don't know much about it.

The hospital I went into was okay. I had some issues with some of the staff and spent the first week there throwing a fit about being there, I really didn't want to be there and fought every step for awhile. Felt trapped and caged and alone. But looking back on it, I had a really good roomate and the majority of the staff, especially the therapist was really nice. But I know there are good ones and bad ones out there and most of it depends on whose working at the time you go in. I can't imagine a nurse yelling at you for crying that's just ridiculous! I would have reported her.

[alwaysrejoice]

I was actually scheduling ECT outpatient before I was admitted. I knew I was doing really bad. I was trying to address it without being hospitalized. I spazed out though and ended up going in. I had ECT in 2004 and it worked miracles. I did not have anxiety afterward back then. From what I read anxiety is not a common side effect of ECT. More than one person has had the theory that since I'm no longer depressed I'm feeling remorse about being depressed for so long and I'm nervous about my future as a non depressed person so its causing the anxiety. Ive tried xanax, klonopin, and ativan. None really help. I ready to ask my doctor for a tranquilizer just so I can have ONE relaxing calm day, lol. The therapist at this hospital blamed everything on everyone's parents. It was like that was her only answer, lol. I should get my money back! A social worker was assigned to me and I didnt see her once. Well hopefully neither one of us will end up in a psych ward ever again!