[Chatnoir]

I just need to vent some of the things I am thinking and feeling out into the world and maybe I can deal with them better. I figured this forum may be the best place to do so as I don't feel as alone here. Lately I've been feeling like I am my own puppeteer, like I’m controlling myself from the outside while seeing through my own eyes. I look around my room, at the disarray, and I see ruins. The place I grew up in and that has seen the best and worst of it, no longer feels like my room. I hate being awake, every time I wake up I just want to go back to sleep and when I can no longer sleep I begrudgingly get up and go about the pattern I’ve been in since Thurs morning. Today I retained the feeling I had in my dream for much longer than usual, and was slightly more in a zombie like state which I liked and most likely has something to do with the 25mg of Quetiapine I started taking before going to sleep (can't exactly say before going to bed as I rarely leave it). Now I just want to go back to sleep for lack of a better option, really I just want to stop existing but am unwilling to do anything to make that happen as I don’t want to hurt anyone. I haven’t seen or really spoken to anyone since Wed night, and I still really don’t want to. When I get food I do it when everyone is asleep or gone, and then I do it fast. Wed I have the appointment with the mental health counselor and Thurs I start the new medication which I am hoping will also have the zombifying effects I need right now. The days take so long to end it seems, and it’s always the same, but I have no interest in changing it. I feel guilty and ashamed at my behaviour and the lack of attention I am giving the things I love/d, I am also still irritable, getting really f'ing annoyed when I type something wrong and the stupid f'ing thing doesn’t get what I am trying to say and just underlines it in red. I want to snap and am afraid I will and again end up hurting someone I care about. You know how sometimes people want something so bad it almost hurts, like being with a certain person, or getting a certain job, or having a child, or getting into a certain program, or win the lottery? Well that’s how much I wish I wasn’t here, or anywhere, just gone as if I never existed at all so there is no pain for anyone else. It isn’t anyone else’s fault I’m like this and no one else should suffer because of me. As much as I love my niece and nephew and the niece or nephew yet to be born, I hate that they have me as their closest aunt or as their aunt at all. I am not someone I would want my children to be around, or any other children I cared about, I am a bad influence and I don’t want them to see how bad life can be for some people or that such a failure can be in the same family and gene pool. I didn’t go to my dad’s birthday dinner at the restaurant, and I missed the kids’ joint birthday party on the weekend as well. I’m getting worse and I am still aware enough to know it. I don't know how much longer I can stand to be like this, I hope I can get an appointment soon with the psychiatrist my doctor recommended and then I hope that she'll be able to help. I'm really not holding my breathe on that though, I can't really see anything helping, but I'm going to give it this last ditch effort. Is it even really possible to come out of this?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Chatnoir! Yes, this is a good place to vent. And, not only is there an excellent chance your venting reflects the feelings of others, you can come back to your posts and mine them for material you'd like to tell to your treatment team.

Go ahead and use these forums to work out a vocabulary for yourself and for others to describe what's going on.

[di meliora]

Is it even really possible to come out of this?

Hello, Chatnoir. You must answer your question. You may choose to get better -- not to try -- not to hope -- but to do.

[Gus1234U]

aaah {{{ ChatNoir }}} ,, you give such an excellent description of a major depressive phase~! i dare say it would be good to attribute your feelings and actions to the disorder (the depression makes me feel like sleeping,, etc), in order to take the burden off yourself...

you might find a med that helps you to suppress your symptoms, and you will be able to resume a more "normal"
life, if that's what you want, i wish you well.

i was unable to find meds that didn't damage me in some way, and i finally found a brain therapy that isn't medical, but technological in nature: holosync, sold by CenterPointe.com. it helps the brain to re-establish neural connections between the 2 halves of the brain, which helps the brain re-balance itself. i know of others who have had good results, permanent improvement, using it.

what ever choices you make in life, i wish you the best~ Gus

[alwaysrejoice]

yes you can come out of this. I have been in it and out of it. You came to a good place, everyone here is very supportive. Welcome.

[choocha]

I'll try to keep this short. Hi. I recently felt the same, still sorta do. I went & help. New meds, regualr therapy etc. I was looking for a miracle & to feel 100% better. Shmeh. I feel maybe 10-20% better. I s'pose that's better than nothing. I just say to you, like to me, either keep trying for little gains, or give up & quit; but which you choose, make sure you do well. I do think it's better to be alive, just a bit hehe. Take care. Please keep me posted xo

[Chatnoir]

Originally Posted by Elan Vital

You may choose to get better -- not to try -- not to hope -- but to do.

It isn't my choice to be this way, it's not like I was given the option of being depressed or well and thought that depression sounded like the way to go.
I have been struggling with this for over 11 years, if it was so simple as to choose to get better I would, I feel as if my own brain has betrayed me. I don't know, maybe you're right and I'm just too weak of a person to make myself be better.

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

i finally found a brain therapy that isn't medical, but technological in nature

I just signed up for a demo of Holosync so I can see if it's something that I think might help. I'm a little skeptical at the moment but I'm willing to give it a try as I'm pretty desperate right now. Thanks for informing me of it's existence.

[Chatnoir]

I'm really nervous about my appointment with the mental health association today and I can't decide whether or not I am surprised by this. I've known about my appointment today for over a week now and I know that it's the first step I need to take so that I can get better, also I'm pretty sure that this time is mostly to evaluate where I am and how they can help. That still doesn't change the fact that I will be leaving not only my bed, and my room but also my house and then I'll be going right downtown (really bad placement) not to mention that I will have to actually talk about how I'm feeling and what help I want. I know that I need to do this I just can't help but be incredibly anxious about it. I'll probably just do what I did for my last doctors appointment and wear a baseball cap, a hoodie and my sunglasses, depending on how it goes I may take the glasses off. I think that part of my anxiety is that I'm a bit afraid that I'll be told that I don't have a serious enough mental illness and that they can't help me, which would leave only the Psychiatrist in Woodstock that I'll probably only get the one appointment with so that she and my regular doctor can discuss future treatment, even then I am having difficulties (well my mom is, I don't talk on the phone, or really at all actually) getting a hold of my doctor to even start the process of getting an appointment. I hope everything goes well of course, but I subscribe to the "hope for the best but expect the worst" way of thinking, which probably isn't the greatest thing for me but I'd much rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed.

Seeing as it's 9am right now that leaves me with two hours and I still need to shower and dress, I'm just having difficulties getting started. Drag my feet or not, I just have to get in the bathroom and at least try to get started I suppose, might have been better to had started to get around more before now as it's a little hard to go from 0-60 so to speak. Just have to push myself, hell I'll just cry in the shower if I need to, because I definitely can't go without as it has been awhile and I'm certain I stink, just can't smell it myself. In a few hours I will be back home and most likely back in bed where I can take a pill and go to sleep and maybe I'll do that with the knowledge that I'll finally be getting the help I have so desperately needed for so long.

Any encouragement from across the wires is much appreciated.

[AnotherDayDown]

[quote=Chatnoir;2103371]It isn't my choice to be this way, it's not like I was given the option of being depressed or well and thought that depression sounded like the way to go.
I have been struggling with this for over 11 years, if it was so simple as to choose to get better I would, I feel as if my own brain has betrayed me. I don't know, maybe you're right and I'm just too weak of a person to make myself be better.

You're right. If we could "choose" to be happy, everyone would be happy all the time. I honestly can't believe he said that in the first place...

[AnotherDayDown]

Please tell me how your doctor's appt went. I am in the same boat as you. I have my first psychologist appointment monday, and I'm so scared. I keep trying to come up with excuses to cancel the appointment. So far, I've come up with: 1. its too much money, and 2. My husband will have to work the late shift that night (after working three weeks WITHOUT a day off), and he might not want to take care of the baby. 3. It's twenty miles away.

Ugh, I just wanna cry.

[Chatnoir]

The appointment went well, I was right in that it was somewhat of an “intake” appointment so that they could find the best way they could help me. I think I was able to get across the problems I had been having and how I had been feeling once I was able to start talking more, at first I was so anxious I barely said anything and really just wanted to run. Once I really got going I think I did pretty good, only cried a couple of times, thankfully I had my own Kleenexes because for some stupid reason there were none in the office, of course when I wasn’t actually using the Kleenex I was playing with it to the point that I was starting to get distracted by all the little pieces all over my lap which actually kinda helped. After talking for about 20 min or so I was told that there was quite the wait list for one on one counseling but the woman who was doing the intake thought that I would benefit from a group therapy type thing that meets every week on wed for about a year and focusses on social interactions and coping skills. I told her that I would give it a try for a week or two before committing to an entire year, I’m not entirely sure how much I would benefit from such a program as the information in the four modules that she talked about sounded fairly simple and like things I already knew. She could have just been explaining it badly though so again I’ll give it a shot, first time being next wed from 1-3pm which is kind of past my “bedtime” as it were, but I think I can change my schedule around before then. All in all I think it was a good appointment, I am a little disappointed that I wasn’t able to get the one on one help I need but I was able to get an appointment with the Psychiatrist my doctor referred me to for early Dec, also on a wed. I am of course super anxious about that but hopefully I will be able to have a good, meaningful discussion with her and be able to leave the appointment satisfied. Since my appointment isn’t for a few weeks I will have time to organize my thought and I hope to be able to properly verbalize how I am feeling emotionally, physically, and mentally.