hello..

I just got out of a 10 year relationship with a girl whom I am deeply in love with. I think about her constantly and wonder if she's ok and my future seems so bleak and hopeless without her... it hurts so much during the day and I try to focus but I cannot. I wish I had more coping resources but unfortunately I don't seem to... I have talked to people in person and I've been to the doctor who prescdribed me some xanax which helps somewhat... the problem is I feel my depression is permanent and it won't go away. I want the pain to go away sso bad but nothing or noone can do that. I just feel helpless and hopeless and scared for the first time in my life.

I"m a fit guy... I workout at the gym and I can take care of myself and I eat a perfect diet. But no matter how much weight I can bench press or squat or no matter how tough I think I am... this pain has brought me to my knees and it's so unbearable... I miss her so much. It hurts

10 years is a long time. you must have so many memories.. I think the only way right now to ease your pain is to express it in any way you can--cry, post, journal. It will take time. When I was grieving over my losses I never thought I would ever be able to feel better again either but I have. So please hang on and be gentle with yourself.

You're grieving the death of your relationship, and that's every bit as traumatic as going thru the actual physical death of a person. A relationship is a real thing, with a lifespan, history, celebrations, and all the rest. Especially memories.
You might consider finding a grief group online, or perhaps a self-help book outlining the process of grieving. If it's a possibility, you might even see a therapist for several sessions to work through this grieving process. It's obvious that this relationship is monumental in your life, and until you have dealt with it, you may not be able to move on to other relationships.

Thank you Terry for replying to my post. It does somewhat feel better to know that there are others out there with problems somewhat similiar to mine. The wound is still fresh with me and the pain is very real... I have never realized how much pain someone can feel until this past week.. Thank you again for your reply.

It really does feel like I'm dealing with a death... what makes things worse is my grandmother (who was like a mother to me) passed away at the first of this year, but at least I had my relationship with the girl to get me through it. Now I have nobody and it's very hard to handle this alone. Thank you for your reply and advice about a therapist.. I may give that a shot.

Give it time....The break up is still new...What you are going through, it's normal, that is if you are depressed over the break up which I'm assuming that you are since you mentioned only the break up in your post...10 years is a long time....It's almost like a marriage...When you're with someone for that long, you plan your life with them and around them...Your life basically centers around them...You imagine everything from marriage, to kids, to buying a house, etc...When you break up, you feel confused and devasted because you feel like you don't have a future, if that future doesn't include them....

You didn't mention why you two broke up...If she broke up with you, it's probably more devastating because she feels ready to move on, but you're not ready...If it was mutual, remember why you two decided to break up in the first place....I've only had one break up....And I can tell you, whenever I got down about the break up, I reminded myself of the bad times and why we broke up...Yes there will be great memories that you share with someone when you are with them for as long as you were, but there were also bad times...Things that lead up to the decision to end things...

I would allow myself grieving time...I would occupy my time with doing things with friends and family...Have someone you can rely on to talk to when you need to talk...Grieve, but don't let it be a long grievance...Get it out of your system and move on....Why sit there and cry or worry about someone who has moved on with their life and probably not grieving the way you are?...That's another epiphany I had..."Why am I sitting here crying and upset over this dude and he has moved on and not thinking twice about me?"...

And finally, cut off all contact with her...I'm talking no twitter, facebook, myspace, texting, calling to check up....None of that...If you keep in contact with her, you're holding on to her...Let her go....The more contact you have, the harder it will be for you to move on....

After my break up, I had to look at the bright side....What's done is done...Now I need to prepare myself for the person that I am meant to be with...Take this time to work on you and to figure out some things...Evaluate what it is that you want in your next mate....Work on you so that when you do meet her, you are ready and won't have the same relationship issues...I looked at it like, "There is someone out there waiting for me! The person that I am suppose to be with. He probably doesn't know that I exist now, but when we do meet, it will make this relationship not seem so life shattering".

People come in our lives for a reason...You two were together for a reason...Learn from it and move on...I know it's easier said than done, but what else can you do?

Good luck...

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Another view: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...nterpret-grief

Thank you for your reply. It's nice to know that as bad as I'm feeling that there is someone, even a complete stranger, can view and reply to my post. I guess it is just nice to know someone cares. You seem to understand the situation very well and I'm sorry that you have had your heartbroken as well. I'm still going through a lot of pain right now and I have been telling myself it's only been a little over a week and maybe I just need another week to grieve a bit more...

The last part of your post really hit the spot for me... I know that we were together for a reason and I know she was brought into my life for a reason... which makes it so much harder for this entire situation. It really hurts so much and I thank you for your kind words and advice.

I am bit worried about your use of xanax to cope. Look, some things are supposed to hurt and be hard. Sit with it. It sucks, it takes time, but it is natural... let yourself get over it and heal. It is best if it happens naturally...

I really agree. I've never been the type of person who wants to take any sort of medication. But I have had anxiety attacks that were pretty terrifying and I felt I was going to die or have a heart attack or stop breathing. This is why I am taking the Xanax... not just to cope, but to relieve the anxiety attacks.

I am trying to take it day by day but not having someone after having them for 10 years is pretty traumatic to me...

yes be careful with xanax. I think it can be habit forming.

Sorry but I can understand why you are depressed but why are you anxious dusty?

I'm not really sure I've always had social anxiety issues and the girl i was with helped me so much getting past them. Ever since I was a teenager I would start feeling anxious when people called on me in school or i had to do an oral report or something. i seriously thought my anxiety had disappeared completely the last few years of my life... but the day I lost her I had the worst one yet I really thought i was going to die and have a heart attack or something... this anxiety is driving me crazy and it's making me worry constantly..

Does anything give you any relief? (besides the meds)

I'm not sure about relief... but it seems when I have my mind set on my current issues (her leaving me, me being alone, feeling isolated) and not knowing if the future is going to be better... just everything. I start to feel my anxiety build and eventually I get a panic attack.

Other than that I feel depressed majority of the day so it doesn't exactly help any... I have to wait almost a month to see my therapist too..

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time It is not easy to have a relationship you cherished end. It will feel awful for a while but that is only natural. As for your anxieties, if you were born that way maybe your T or someone on PC could give you some coping tips? There is a PC forum for anxiety. If something happened to cause the anxieties (maybe in childhood?) then maybe you and your T could explore that some more? Do hang in there dusty--we are all here for you