Helping my girlfriend (many issues involved)

First off, I don't know if this is the right forum, but thie post would've fit into several of these, and I decided to go with the most populated one.

My long distance girlfriend is sufferering from a lot of issues right now. Just as a little background, I think many of them stem from abuse from her father when she was younger, though I really don't know anything specific about this, but he's gone now and she rarely sees him.

First off, she generally feels isolated, and tells me that she has almost no friends, which from the sound of it is really an overly pesimmistic view of things.

Also, she recently admitted to me that she cuts her arms, but tells me that in the past few weeks this has started to improve. However, once when I was talking to her recently and she got the impression that she was annoying me (which she wasn't, but I must've accidently given that impression) she started talking about playing with her knife, and what happened when she poked herself with it...obviously these issues are still there.

Also, I think she has an eating disorder, probably anorexia. Though I haven't seen her in several months, I get the impression that she has lost an excessive amount of weight (she was just slightly above average weight before)...she also often tells me that she is eating too much, and spends a long time each day walking. I should be able to verify this when I see her in a few weeks.

I have encouraged her on several occasions to see a therapist, as they could help more than I can, but she tells me she is too busy. When it next comes up, I'm going to suggest more strongly (really insist) that she find some time to do this next year, because I feel that would be the first step to sorting out a lot of these issues. I care about her a lot and let her know this, and I think this alone helps some, but I want to make sure she is healthy no matter what it takes.

Does anybody here have advice? Been in a similar experience? I need to know what the best course of action to take is.

It's really hard to help people that do not want to be helped. I think the best thing that you can do is be honest with your friend and tell her how you feel, tell her you are concerned about her and why. When you do that, focus on her behaviors. Things that are undeniable, like cutting herself, or restricting what she eats. Behaviors are easier to point out than feelings or thoughts, and odd behaviors are usually a sign of something else being wrong. Has she ever been to therapy?
I hope I'm not being intrusive.
Take care,
Roski

You could easily be right about all of these things. Really, the best thing that you can do is be a friend, suggest getting help but don't push it too hard if she resists the idea, and take care of yourself - don't let her drag you down. People don't get better until they want to get better, so just make sure that you don't get wrapped up in her problems to the extent that you are working at it harder than she is. That said, I needed and wanted help for a long time but couldn't actually take the first step myself until a friend told me I should go to counseling. I needed the nudge or permission even from somone. You are a good friend to care about her and notice these things and want to help.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Thanks for the great advice so far. Therapy is something I recommended to her before, and tonight I talked about it again...she told me that her mother told her that if she went to therapy, then she wouldn't trust her anymore (she told her this on the same day she found out she was cutting herself) My question is WHY THE HELL would a parent say this? It's incredibly destructive, as I think what she needs more than anything right now is some sort of professional counseling. She completely resists the idea of talking to her mom about this, and didn't want me to talk to her either. (Her mom had always struck me as pretty reasonable, and she likes me a lot) We decided that we'd decide on a course of action when I see her in a month, but she's made an early New Years resolution to me that she'll work at getting to the bottom of this.

Thanks for the comments, please keep them coming!

It's so hard for parents to accept and deal with problems like this in their children. Parents like that are part of the problem. Maybe they do mean well, and think that if they stick their heads in the sand it will all go away, but they are making a big mistake. Does her mother think that someone who has serious problems like this and isn't being treated for them is more trustworthy than someone who is working on the problems and trying to get better? What if she had, say, diabetes or something. Would she be less trustworthy if she went to a doctor? That's a control tactic on the part of the mother, whether the mother knows it or not.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

You mentioned that she was abused by her father as a child. Is it possible, even if the parents are divorced now, that her mother doesn't want all of that re-hashed in therapy? Whether she was abused physicaly, sexually or verbally and her mother did nothing to stop it, it could be that she is fearful of having blame placed on her, what else therapy might uncover, or just that she may feel guilty already if she did nothing to stop the abuse and doesn't want any more guilt or blame thrust upon her.

Whatever the reason, this should not be a factor in your girlfriend seeking help. Let her know that!

pebs

<font color=purple> The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated--Gandhi

Sometimes I lie awake at night in bed and I ask, "Is it all worth it?" And then a voice says, "Who are you talking to?" And another voice says, "You mean, ' To whom are you talking?'" And I say, "No wonder I lie awake at night."--Charlie Brown </font color=purple>