[osamanda15]

I don't really know if I have depression. I haven't gone to a doctor. In fact, I think I might have bipolar disorder too. But it's gotten really bad recently. I need suggestions. Here's my situation:
I have no clue what is causing my life to be so bad.
Three years ago, I was dating someone and that is when it started. He was my first serious boyfriend and I really loved him, but that was a horrible time for me. It started rumors in school, lies, people to dislike me. I just felt horrible about life. We broke up after about a year and 1/4 of dating. It toook me awhile to get over him but I did. We talk now, because he's the only person who understands me.
Now, my family is messed up. Majorly. I hide my feelings towards them because I want to be strong for my family. It's getting tough to do.
My current boyfriend. I love him to death. But sometimes he doesn't treat me very well. I get angry very easily and I'm very very very jealous over him. We fight a lot, but I hate to leave him because he means so much to me. If we broke up, he'd never talk to me again. The other night, I threatened suicide and I'm very scared. I've thought about it before, and I've cut myself before but never this bad. I don't cut myself anymore. At all. I hate that. But the thoughts that I had the other night won't stop running through my mind. It's really scary. But I just have no hope. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. And my boyfriend, he's not handling it well. In fact, he wants to leave me. When I've hit rock bottom.
It doesn't help that I absolutely hate myself. The way I look, the way I am around people, I'm so self-conscious, my only escape is dance. And I no longer have an interest in that. I don't know what to do. I just need to get my thoughts out.
If someone could reply... ANYONE. I'd be so appreciative. I just need someone to talk to.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Oosamanda15!

I know relationships can get problematic, but this really jumped out at me:

Originally Posted by osamanda15

...my only escape is dance. And I no longer have an interest in that.

Losing interest in something that has been joyful for you is a sign you would do well to speak to someone with training who will listen compassionately to you. This is even more important because you are having suicidal thoughts.

It doesn't sound like anyone in your family is the right person. Do you go to school? Is there a counselor (any counselor you trust -- whether or not they are your assigned counselor), or nurse, or administrator, or teacher (again, someone you trust whether or not they are your teacher) you can speak to?

Please keep posting!

[osamanda15]

My mom suffers depression too. Everyone has so much to worry about, I can't bug them about it.

But yes, I have counselors. I can't trust anyone to tell them though.
I only have one person I can tell.. and that's my boyfriend. He won't listen to me though and it's absolutely killing me.

[Open Eyes]

(((((Osamanda15)))))

Are you just 15? That is still very young and very uncertain about self identity yet.
I think that your trying to diagnose yourself and that is not a good idea. You haven't talked about what is going on at home that is troubling you. But I do hope you can find a guidance coucelor at school and take a time out for a private chat, they actually address many students who struggle with similar questions so they can be a lot of help.

The teen years are very challenging and young boys at this age are just not stable and capable of addressing the kind of concerns your discussing here. Hey, its not your fault, your just trying to find comfort in the wrong places.

As years pass you will grow through this time in your life and realize that many things you allowed to upset you were not as important as you thought. Don't be hard on yourself, this is normally a confusing time for most teenagers, even if they don't outright show it.

Open Eyes

[osamanda15]

you're right.i tried to tell my mom and she's going to call a psychiatrist.

but, i don't think this is normal for a teenager. it's not just normal teen behavior.
it's not that i'm jst moody or anything. it's really concerning.

[Open Eyes]

osamanda, I am glad you have talked to your mother and she has agreed to get you help. Please keep reminding her and follow through. It is much better if you have a professional diagnosis so you can perhaps see a therapist that can truely help you.

Please let me know how you make out. Just remember your not alone, not really, there is help out there that can serve to truely answer your questions.

Open Eyes

[roads]

Hi, Osamanda15! I'm so glad you found PsychCentral.

I don't have anything new to add, really, but wanted to agree with Rohag & Open Eyes. Big time! Your bf is emotionally more like a kid brother--boys that age rarely can give much. You were lucky the first time.

And consider:

Current bf doesn't treat you very well... You're have sui thoughts... You love current bf to death?

Why would you love someone who doesn't treat you very well, ever? Maybe, maybe he's just not the right person for you, nor you for him, right now.

PM if I can help. Make sure your mom gets that psychiatrist appt!!