[curlydee]

my psychiatrist is concerned about how bad i'm doing, and have been for a while, that he keeps adding drugs without taking me off the old ones, hoping a combo of all the meds will do something they're not doing when taken alone. i'm up to 5 psych meds now. 5! nothing helps. the doctor assures me that we'll find something that works. even if something does work, it will just come back again-it always does... why do i make the effort to fight? i should just give in to the only true solution that keeps coming up in my thoughts and end it all. i just don't want to hurt my husband... he's the only thing that maters at all. why is this happening to me? i can't take it aymore!

[SoupDragon]

Hi curlydee - I am sorry you are having such a tough time right now - you matter - so do keep making that effort to work with your pdoc to find the right meds for you.

Ending it all would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem and what if the right meds for you were just around the corner? I glad you have a husband you care about - can you tell us more about how you are doing right now?

Be gentle with yourself - Soup

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi curlydee--

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I know what it's like to go through med after med and not get any relief. At times the only thing that kept me on this planet was my daughter, and there were a few times when even that didn't seem enough. I finally found one that works now, and I learned coping methods in therapy in case things go bad again. I hope you can just hold on until your Pdoc can find what works for you. Keep posting and like Soup said, be gentle with yourself.

[bluemountains]

Hi curlydee,
I have been through what you are going through, and I know, plain and simple it sucks! It really helps for me to talk with my t each week about my frustrations. Also, as already noted, therapy helps you with coping strategies. Here at PC, remember you have a whole community of people who have been there or are still there. When you want to vent, we're here!

Hugs,
Bluemountains

[roads]

Originally Posted by curlydee

i just don't want to hurt my husband... he's the only thing that maters at all. why is this happening to me? i can't take it aymore!

My meds were making my life totally harmonious (or at least tolerable) for three years, then suddenly slam! it all went downhill for no perceivable reason. For nearly a year now my brilliant psychiatrist can't even put the brakes on my depression, much less turn it around. He just keeps throwing drugs at me, like I'm a rat in one of his lab cages, to see what happens.

Last week at our appointment I screamed my fury at him, telling him I wasn't one of his rats but would be pleased to bite him, hard, for being too stupid to fix me.

I meant every word of my rant.

So I think I can appreciate your being at the end of your rope with the meds. I am too.

I think about not taking them any more. But I believe my brain chemistry is wrong. I cannot think it right. I need meds. I need to work with a doctor to get the right ones.

I consider ending my life. But my friends wouldn't understand. Every time a new med came out, they'd wonder, couldn't she have waited? This might have been the one! Did I fail her? I can't do that.

So I've decided to wait until tomorrow. Every day, I decide to wait only until tomorrow.

Roadrunner

[dragonfly2]

As controversial as it sometimes can be, ECT can be a very effective treatment option for people who aren't responding to antidepressants. It can bring you out of the depression fairly quickly and then either be used as maintenance therapy or medication can be used to continue to treat the depression, along with therapy.

Please consider it. It may bring you out of the darkness.

[curlydee]

[QUOTE=dragonfly2;2163244]As controversial as it sometimes can be, ECT can be a very effective treatment option for people who aren't responding to antidepressants. It can bring you out of the depression fairly quickly and then either be used as maintenance therapy or medication can be used to continue to treat the depression, along with therapy......

-----

i did ect. during my lows, i was having ect 3 times a week. there were 2 times that something went wrong and it caused me ptsd - yet i still kept going anyways, praying it would finally work like the doctors hoped. i finally got the nerve up and said "no mor ect". eventually, the psychiatrst tried an maoi - that helped for a few years - enough time for me to get my masters in social work and meet and marry the man of my dreams. he tries to be there for me, but doesn't really get it. i try to hide how bad it really is - from everyone. myself included. when busy at work or doing things with my husband, i tell myself that i'm ok. during my long drives every day, or in therapy - i break down (it makes for real safe driving). i have been real depressed for over a year now, up and down a bit, but very low now. i don't know what to do any more...

[kaliope]

getting my bsw in social work is what caused my downfall. triggered my ptsd and everything came flooding back to me, aggravating my bipolar and led to a major nervous breakdown. hospitalized against my will. the antidepressant worked right away but it took another 2 1/2 years to stabilize the bipolar. at one time i was on six meds. i must have gone thru nearly every med there was and had every side effect too. in a particularly bad manic episode my pdoc snowed me on haldol to knock it down. it worked so well he left me on it. i eventually quit taking the antidepressant and antianxiety and was left with just the haldol and no signs of crazy but it was hell getting here. but i am glad i never gave up.