I hate my life, I can't take it anymore...

I hate it. Everything is wrong. All I ever wanted come down to a stupid, childish dream that will never come true and I don't even know who I am anymore. Nobody really cares, nobody even knows me. Why do I even try? My life is worthless, it will never amount to anything, and i can't even allow myself to be happy anymore. I am in chains within my own mind, within the dark narrow world that I dont know if I will ever escape. I am too weak to deserve the kind of life that all the other people out there are somehow able to live. Its all my fault, and there is nowhere left for me to escape to. I dint know life could be so empty, I don't even know if this counts as living. I hate myself and the people around me who can't see through the mask and I hate everything, I hate the whole world. Why must I live this way?

See, I posted this more than 20 minutes ago, and 1 person has read it. No one has replied. There is a thread above mine that was posted just a few minutes ago, 57 people read it, and it already has 6 replies. Nobody cares about me, anywhere, they don't give a s**t.

I read it!!! Of all the posts I scrolled through, yours was the one I picked to actually read. I just wish I knew more to be of help...but know someone "out there" is truly thinking of you and hoping you are ok

I read your profile, honey you are so young, though that's not what you want to hear. BUT you play guitar, piano and sing??? Those are true gifts and the majority of the world can boast nothing like that. Will writing music help you at all?

Thank you so much, sorry if I seemed bratty earlier, I feel a little better now and reading your reply has really helped me, thank you, its good to know there is someone who cares and I can talk to. About the music, thank you so much. That really means a lot to me. And I try to write music, especially lyrics, it used to come more easily to me, but over the past few months it is so hard to express my feelings when I can't find the words. I read over what I write and I am so critical of it that it just makes me want to give up. But I'll keep trying. Thank you so much.

Thinking of you. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this who could help you? I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

i'm truly moved by what you have wrote,i live in the u.k where mental health care is frankly ****(sorry),a lot of what you wrote i strongly identify with-the emptiness,i look in the mirror and don't know who the tired looking man is staring back,feelings of self loathing and hate,and believe me this world can be cruel beyond belief-i have my own solutions,i just wish you well-you don't deserve this,unless you're evil,and you so don't sound like it to me.you need a break-lets hope you get yours.

No, I have no one. I can't talk to my parents about much, not about anything personal, so they don't know, and my best friend is the only other option, but she doesn't really understand and I think it mist be annoying to hear me constantly talking about my problems, and anyway if I told her everything she would be really worried and maybe tell someone. So as of the day before yesterday, I will tell her (and everyone else) nothing about my depression. It hurt more this way, but it's easier. No more fine line between what I can say, who I can say it too. It would be all too easy to say the wrong thing to the wrong person and risk everyone finding out about my depression and cutting, or they could get me into trouble because "healthy" people do not take self injury lightly. I am trying to decide if I will talk to my parents or guidance counselor soon, because I know that I need help. Thank you for being there for me, though. You guys mean so much to me, the people here at PC are the only people I can be perfectly honest with.

((((Mylifeisdepressing))))

I am glad you reached out and that you are talking here. There are many here that can identify with how you feel, I am one of them. At times even though I know I have people that love and care very much about me it feel so alone and as though I am unworthy of anyone at all. I write too and I sometimes cannot bring the words down to the paper as my head seems to block things or it is too hard to really get out what is there.

I write into the night when the world around me is sleeping and it feels safest there. It is usually then that the words begin to flow from somewhere very deep within, a place I do not even understand myself. I get afraid to post it as it is so dark right now that I feel it is not important and that no one wants to hear where I am. But the truth is, it is the lies depression tells us to keep us locked inside and feeling that way.

I am sorry that you felt no one cared but it is not true. You are cared for here very much. Sometimes when we write and post something and members read it, it can hit home and sometimes they cannot answer until thought about. I know that when I read your post I had to step back as it hit hard because I understood it and could relate to what you were saying. But after I was able to grasp what I was feeling myself, I then came back so that I could give you support and encouragement without all my own emotions screaming within.

You are not alone and I do validate how you feel. I hope that you will keep trying to write your music and play guitar, and sing. Sometimes we all feel like we cannot write or something and sometimes if we allow it to just be the words will come back. I know that at times I just need to step away for a while. It is still there and will start coming again when we are ready. I do wish you well there and hope you will keep trying.

As far as the SI goes I do understand and have also struggled with that. You are not alone. It is hard when the pain hits and it feels the only way out. But I also have realized that even after relieving the pressure of the pain, what caused the pain in the first place is still there and now there is even more to deal with---my own guilt and shame, hiding it and the fear under it all. I do get it and you are not alone, but sometimes doing something like writing and getting out the pain that way can really help. Write about that pain and what you are feeling. The worlds will come just trust yourself. Sometimes just free writing can get us started, just letting out how you feel.

I hope you will keep reaching out and posting. We are here and are listening. You are not alone even though it feels that way. Know that we do care. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Mylifeisdepressing! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way!
As much as I know as it doesn't feel like it... even if you can only recognize it intellectually... Do you realize your depression is taking your thought processes for a ride? Part of why it's so "good" at doing that is how very real and logical it makes distorted thinking seem.
DEFINITELY talk to them. You know it is the right thing to do. Consider if you will... how would someone see through the mask? Really see through it? Much as there are times when it would be helpful, people aren't mind readers. The only way we can really give them a chance to help is to let them know. Talk to them. The way that we know how you are feeling is because you write... "talking" on the computer. And that allows us the chance to help and empathize as we can. It's true IRL too. If talking itself (as opposed to writing) feels more difficult, consider printing out what you wrote here. Do you think that would help?

Sending lots of good thoughts to you

Thanks, darkpurplesecrets, and everyone else, too. Your replies mean the world to me. Today was one of my most difficult days so far, because sometimes it can be so hard to hold it all in and all I want to do I scream it all out, but all of you have reminded me that I am not alone. I am so glad I have you to talk to, and I can never thank you enough for that. <3

I am sorry you are feeling really down. Do you have a T or a pdoc?

Are you able to distract your mind? I noticed you like music. Perhaps post some of your favorite songs in the video section?

I feel like you reached inside of me and wrote my feelings here.

Hi, I read what you said and I can agree with most of it, except I never cut myself. But same here, feel like life is so empty, no one really understands. But it is true, no one does understand. No one can understand exactly how you feel inside because they aren't you. I'd say that I can't take it anymore but somehow I do. I think about dying every day, I'm totally miserable too. I've never had any friends or anyone to talk to.

My dearest friend that I have never met... not knowing exactly what it is that has your thoughts this way is hard to help. These are my best ideas:
1. Get out some paper and write on them what is is that is bothering you, number them.
2. On another piece of paper write about each individual number, how much it bothers you, what brought this on, what you wish would happen.
3. Take that piece of paper and throw it in the trash. Trash the bad.
4. On another piece of paper write 10 things every day that are good in your life... you probably won't be able to find 10 things... that is normal... we are all programmed to think negatively before positive. This is an idea of changing your mind set... when you wake up that day and you can write 10 good things about your life... you can feel accomplished because you will have changed your negative mindset.

Don't think I am crazy, I have to do what I wrote above or I would let all the negativity in my life consume me.

Hope this helps. Here if you want to chat.

I, too, hate how long it takes to get reads/responses on this site. sometimes we're looking for immediate feedback and can't get it. have you ever tried the chat rooms?