[zcowb8]

Hello Friends,
Though this is my first post on these boards, I have been a frequent lurker. I am extremely impressed with what goes on here, as members of this community seem genuinely kind and caring.

A bit about my situation. I am 20 years old, 21 in mid-March, and I live in Louisville, KY. I am a student at the University of Louisville after attending the University of Missouri for 3 semesters. A major reason why I left Mizzou was because a good friend of mine was hit by a semi while crossing a street and killed 2 weeks into my third semester. That hit me extremely hard and is what I believe began my emotional/cognitive downfall. So here I am, 3rd semester at UofL, with a complete %#@&#! GPA and little to no self esteem.

A little more background. In high school, Iwas on top of the world. Editor in chief of my school newspaper, captain of my school's hockey team, in peak physical shape. I was a 4.0 student in AP classes with exceptionally high scores on the ACT and SATs respectively. I absolutely loved to talk to people, old friends, complete strangers, it didn't matter. I loved to talk and I felt so great about myself when I did it. I felt I had a presence that would light up any room I entered; call me an egoist, but I truly felt people loved being around me.

I went away to college in the fall of 2003 at Mizzou where I knew absolutely nobody. I had an incredible freshman year: a beautiful girlfriend, a huge group of friends, and wonderful relations with my proffesors. I was still on top of the world.

Everything changed on a Tuesday morning in late August. Arranging a schedule where I had no class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I was basking in this luxury by sleeping until noon. I woke up and went to my computer, to see about 50 instant messages. "What the %#@&#!?" I thought to myself. Every message I read was the same. "Brian is dead, he was hit by a truck, etc." It hit hard. I had to drive back to Kentucky from Missouri, alone with my thoughts. The funeral was even worse, as I was unable to control myself. The weeks went by. I was unable to get out of bed in my dorm room, missing every one of my classes. When I did get out of bed, usually at 4 in the afternoon, I would sit around and play videogames for hours, losing myself in the virtual world. I got heavy into drugs, only pot and alcohol mind you, but still, a long way from my proud self.

Things got to be so unbearable and my grades so bad that I pulled out of school at Thanksgiving break and moved home, hoping to cure these blues. I seeked help from a pschologist, and I began to feel better about what happened. I accepted that he was gone and my reaction to it was of a naturally emotional human being. Though the sessions helped the pain i felt regarding my friend's death, something inside of me has been permanently changed. My GPA at my new school is complete %#@&#!- my first semester I got 2 Ds and 2 Fs, my second semester I got 2 Fs and a B (after dropping 2 classes).I forged report cards from those two semesters so my parents wouldn't blow their collective stack. Now I am on academic probation and if I don't pull a miraculous 2.5 GPA out of my *** this semester I will get kicked out of school. I have no idea what is wrong with me. There is a huge fog in my head, a fog which has been plaguing me for too god damned long. I am so uninterested in everything. I used to love to write. Now I will go months without writing anything (in fact, this is the first thing I have written outside of school in who knows how long.) I used to love to play sports, all kinds, I was athletic as hell. Now my only interest seems to be watching TV, an interest which has seen my body morph from a fit 165 pounds to a slovenly 195 punds. I just feel like complete %#@&#!. The thought of talking to new people or participating in classroom discussion, once my joy, scares me to no end. I feel as though I want to cry all the time. I don't know what to do!

Several months ago I went to my doctor with these concerns and he put me on Zoloft. The Zoloft made things even worse. I would break down while driving, I would think suicidal thoughts. I immediately went off the drug when I started thinking like that. It has been several months and i so desperately want help. I am a small figment of the man I once was, and I would give anything to feel like I used to. I really need help.

I am so sorry that post was so long, but you have no idea how good that felt to get off my chest. I would appreciate any feedback or suggestions you might have to offer. How should I go about getting help? What should I say to my doctor? Should I see a therapist again?

Thank you so much for reading and God bless all of you.

-Zak

PS- In 8th grade I was diagnosed with ADD. I was put on Adderall and saw great results. In college, I noticed the drug to be far too intense and was interfering far too much in my daily functioning. My doctor recently put me on Metadate, which I believe is a Ritalin derivative. I don't know if that has to do with anything, but just thought I'd throw that in.

[greenfairy]

hey there and welcome to pc.
it sounds like you've been through a lot, and i wish you wouldnt be so hard on yourself. losing someone you care for is very difficult, and affects you very deeply. i read your post twice and it sounds to me like you are a person with a lot of promise. dont let go. please.
i went through a tough time too when i was a little younger than you, and i let it destroy my life. but you, you can make things happen.
i think you need to see a therapist or attend a support group. dont run away from your grief, or dull it with drugs and alcohol. it wont go away until you face it. and if the meds they had you on made you feel worse, maybe you could try something different. tell your doctor everything. speak up about where youve been and whats become of your life and get the help you need and deserve.
you are still so young. lets pull things together. you were a 4.0 student, i know you can pull off a 2.5. i have faith in you. hit the books and study like crazy.
and when things are looking down you remember youre not alone. we're here to listen. so get cracking!

zak......you've taken a major step by posting here and getting all of this off of your chest......now its time to get down to business and get back to being that wonderful, successful man that you really are....first step is to get some help.......find a good therapist......print out your post and take it with you to your first visit...it says all you need to say......finding the right meds can be a real trial by error but when you find the right ones...it can be life changing....be thankful that the worst is now behind you...no.....you will never get over the death of your friend but you will learn to deal with it.....your best years are still ahead of you...yes..hit the books and get that 2.5....your self esteem will soar.....and please....keep posting....you've come to a wonderful place.....we are all here for you......

[DaveyJones]

Hi Zak,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, and your successive problems. It is awful when you see the person you used to be change to someone who is not as capable, when the abilities you take for granted are permanently changed.

I would urge you to seek treatment by a psychiatrist. The course of your problems and history of ADD suggest the possibility of bipolar disease. Bipolar disease is highly treatable, but really does require the expertise of a psychiatrist.

I hope that you will be able to pursue this...it's important. Please don't be shy to PM me if you have any questions, but do think about it.

DJ

[Lexicon78]

I am so sorry that your life has taken an unfortunate turn. I can relate quite well, though.

I was abused growing up, and after the abuse stopped and my life got straightened out, I became a social butterfly. Well, years later I was abused again and now I am practically a shell. But I'm slowly trying to pick up the pieces.

I'd suggest that you should see someone to talk to...probably a counselor and a psychiatrist. Try taking medications, also. Not every medication will affect you the way the Zoloft did. I know I've had to try over 10 medications in the last 15 years or so. Some meds will work for awhile and then you'll need to look for something else sometimes...but keep looking.

Have you thought of a tutor? Even though you are having trouble emotionally, it may not hurt to have someone there helping you out scholastically. At least try it until your grades start to improve some.

Hang in there.