I would have taken my life already...

...but in all honesty I am scared how mad God will be. I want to go to heaven so badly but I am so scared that if I take my life I will not go to heaven. So this is the reason why I have not taken my life long ago. I think about it all the time. I am lonely, I feel like a loser, I have never been in love or married. I am attracted to the wrong guys. I can't keep a job cause of my mental condition (see my profile it list all that i have) and I am 38 years old.
I don't understand why God will not allow me to take my life.
I have nothing here, I want to be dead so badly, so very badly.
I am sorry for being such a depressant, really I am. I just had to get this out.
Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry if you have already been asked this, but are you currently seeing a professional (psychiatrist, psychologist and/or therapist) for your concerns? You should not have to go through this depression alone. Please keep posting - we are here to listen.

((((clouds and sun))))
I feel like this sometimes. Please don't go through these feelings alone. As my t reminds me, I have many people to call-her, my pdoc, my family doc, or even to go to the hospital. Also, you are a spiritual person, and I'll bet you have some friends that you share your love of God with. Maybe you can call on one of them to help you through this time.
I find the people here on PC so helpful, too. It makes me feel better to know that others are out there like me, so I'm really not alone. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Bluemountains

A beautiful spirit writhing in agony, and I have but poor words to send you and upward.

((((((( Clouds_and_Sun! )))))))

Thank you all, it is hard very hard. See i have no job and it is hard to find a doctor/therapist to talk to when having no money. I am trying for social security (I have filled out all the online forms) but I hurt so badly that I don't know if I can wait for that. I have tried churches around my area but they turn away. I wish this pain would go away. It hurts so badly. Thanks you all again for your kind words ((hugs))

I know the feeling and you're not alone! I'm having issues being 39 and single, no husband, no kids. I often wonder what God has in store for me, but I know he has some sort of plan for all of us.

I'm glad you have a reason not to end it all. Also, think of your family and people you know (including your PC peeps!) and how it would effect us if you weren't here!

There are a lot of therapists that will help on a sliding scale fee--I pay my therapist only $30 once or twice a month and she still sees me. You can do a search on the internet (I've used Psychology Today but I'm not sure if that's national) and find a therapist. They are there to help, some of them are there to help even if you don't have money.

Hang in there! There's hope for you--I swear!

(((Clouds and sun))) God would be upset if you took your life. Maybe not angry, but sad. His plan is for His children to be healed. You can probably get free or very low cost counseling. And if you are in immediate danger please call the suicide hotline 1 800 273 8255.
Also, some churches offer pastoral counseling or even professional counseling. Please take care.