[Asiablue]

I don't know what is going on with me. I've been treated for clinical depression before. But this feel different from the other times. I have been "depressed" for most of last year but the past 5 months i have gradually been getting worse.

I was so determined to get better without help or medication but i'm not getting better on my own in fact i think i'm getting worse. I have an appointment with my Dr on Monday.

My moods are up and down like a rollercoaster. One day i am in the pits of despair and really need help to stay safe and the very next day i can be fine, normal, a little sad but fairly balanced and i think to myself i can do this on my own i can get better. Then the next day or so, i'm back in the pits of depression, feeling numb, not real, like i want to die, my inner thoughts telling me just die there's no point to staying alive etc.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes I feel like that too & that's probably why my T thinks (along with others) that I'm making myself depressed. I'm even starting to question myself. I was thinking could there be some truth to that statement. I mean I can admit I'm scared to see life outside of Depression because I've been in it for years, but that doesn't mean I like it here nor does it mean I want to stay stuck.

It's a good thing you will be seeing someone soon. As for me...I don't know. I hope you can get the help you need & deserve.

[Asiablue]

i can understand the fear of being outside of depression, that's natural i think, when you've lived with it for so long. But like you said it doesn't mean you like living in that place.

I am at the stage where i really want to be depression free for life because i know life is worth living, it really is. I surround myself with positive thinking, positive thoughts, read a lot about psychology, yet the blackness comes anyway.

I feel so normal these couple of days that i'm dreading going to the Dr. i feel like a big fake.

[doggiedo]

I understand what you mean about ups and downs. I also have a smiliar experience. I can't quite seem to target what causes good days verses bad days.

I think every depression cycle is a little bit different. Maybe that's just me, but in my experience I have had different symptoms. I thought I was even a little bit bipolar there for a while, but that simply wasn't the case. Mood disturbances come along with depression. My doc said if my moods are up and down, then we might want to consider tweaking the medicine I'm on.

I don't know if maybe tracking your moods in an attempt to identify triggers might be helpful?? Maybe bring that info to your next doc appt and be open and what you can to do get help.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

i can understand the fear of being outside of depression, that's natural i think, when you've lived with it for so long. But like you said it doesn't mean you like living in that place.

I am at the stage where i really want to be depression free for life because i know life is worth living, it really is. I surround myself with positive thinking, positive thoughts, read a lot about psychology, yet the blackness comes anyway.

I feel so normal these couple of days that i'm dreading going to the Dr. i feel like a big fake.

No don't feel like that...still go. Some people like us can be stable for awhile & then out of no where feel like everything is crashing down around us. I'm sure if you tell your dr what you're telling me he/she will understand & find a way to help you. You're doing good with doing things to help you on your own which is great in itself...keep doing it up. Stay hopeful & positive because that's where it starts 1st with change. I hope you get what you need. Keep me updated please 8)

[depressedalaskan]

Take your post in and share it with the doctor. I to have ups and downs. Mostly downs. Anyway if you go to your doctor and you are feeling good, that is great. But writing when you are down and sharing with your doctor can really help.

[Asiablue]

keeping track of my moods is a good idea. And write a diary so i could possibly share some of it with the dr.

Thanks for sharing ur experiences.