I'm the worst I've been in such a long time, very suicidal, sat on a bus to my friends, don't really wanna go. Can't stop crying to myself, luckily I'm the only one on the bus. I feel trapped and have a horrible feeling. I feel so alone. Nobody cares. Why don't I just do it?

[Miss Laura]

Hey Jess,

What's wrong? You have been doing so well!!

[depressedalaskan]

Sorry you are feeling so low. You are not wearing the only shoes you are walking in. I too wounder why. I have no answer but I wanted you to know you are not alone. You have PC.

[depressedalaskan]

I wrote this the other day. What would you tell your depression?

Me and depression are not getting along to well. I fight for everything. It has me so dumbfounded I can't think. Takes me 2 or 3 hours to do what used to take me 2 minutes. I don't care about anything or anyone, especially myself. Like I tell my therapist I just want to be in the dirt. I know that this is a battle for the rest of my life. But I am wearing down again. It seems to take over my mind, thoughts, the willingness to do anything, time to sleep forever. I just have to fight back, push it aside to fight another day.

My own words to others: Just want to see if I can help myself.
You are not worthless, your are a great person, you are doing very well fighting your depression, hang in there tomorrow will be a better day, you are not alone, you are not dumb, stupid, lazy, pathetic, unhappy, sad, all these things that depression is telling you are untrue. Make it understand that you will not back down. Keep up the fight - do not let it convince you of these things. Push push push get out of here, go away, I don't want you in my life anymore, depression leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It helps a little.

Everything. But thanks for trying. I'm giving up hope. Nothing works, nothing I try does anything to help. Every single part of my life is going wrong. I dont know what to do.

[Mylifeisdepressing]

I know just how you feel. This past week has been terrible for me. It can be so hard and do painful, it would be easier just to give it all up. But we can't. We owe it to our friends, our family, and mostly ourselves. For English this week, we had to write about this book we read about a girl who was suicidal, and connect it to our lives so I told my teahcer I had depression in my paper. Next to it, when she graded it, she wrote, "Me too! Things do get better, I promise." And that really helped me. We just have to remember that it will get better and in the future we will be happy, and maybe we are meant to be here right now. We need to stay alive, it's not time to go yet. And although I know just how hard it can be to see it sometimes, I truly believe things are going to get better eventually. Maybe not today or even tomorrow, but eventually they will. I really feel for you and I hope you feel better

[Rose76]

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Going by what you say, you must have been doing better for a spell and then, somehow, you lost it. That's hard. Believe me - I know. You get to thinking what's the point of pulling myself together and, maybe, being better for awhile, if it doesn't last?

It's hard to argue with that. You need to have people in your life that you care about and that really care about you. Maybe you already do. Tell them you feel bad. Tell us. I won't ever tell anyone who is depressed that they should try to cheer up. If you have a friend, I hope your friend doesn't tell you that, either. If your friend does, maybe you could explain that you can't cheer up right now, and you just need someone to be there so you will be less lonely.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Jess95

Everything. But thanks for trying. I'm giving up hope. Nothing works, nothing I try does anything to help. Every single part of my life is going wrong. I dont know what to do.

Hi Jess, I have been where you sound like you are now. I know it is very hard and for me, it was not only the pain and hopelessness that was tough, but also the way my brain changes, I lose the ability to be rational and the self destructive part gets a strong hold.

Please get some help asap (not sure if you see a therapist?) but otherwise see a doctor, those thoughts can be powerful.

I am glad I did something about those thoughts I had - I can't say life is perfect for me now, in fact it can be quite hard, but I am more able to be rational and be in control of me and sometimes can even be very thankful that I am alive on this planet of ours.

Let us know how you are doing - Soup

I have "help" but they don't help. They did at first, but then now I'm not sure. They don't help. I can't tell them anything. Everyone and everything is against me. Noone cares anyway. I'm done. I give up trying I don't care what happens anymore.

[Miss Laura]

Jess, you know the only way to feel better is to be open with Pippa and Dr. Rai. They will listen to you even if you don't think they will

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Jess95

I have "help" but they don't help. They did at first, but then now I'm not sure. They don't help. I can't tell them anything. Everyone and everything is against me. Noone cares anyway. I'm done. I give up trying I don't care what happens anymore.

Well there are quite a few posts on here, mine included, showing that people do care what happens to you. Why do you think the "help" you have isn't helping you right now? Why do you feel you can't tell them anything?

Don't give up trying, these times do pass. Soup

[Rose76]

Jess - It sounds to me like you don't feel loved. When we are little we tend to get loved - just because we are little. Then, when we grow up, it's not an automatic thing. We have to go on this hunt to become loved again. Sometimes the hunt seems unsuccessful. If that goes on long enough - we can get discouraged beyond what our words can describe.

Professionals, who are paid to listen to us, and people in Cyberspace don't seem like the answer to what we are looking for. I say this because you mentioned about not being in a loving relationship. It would be my guess that that is where your hurt comes from. I'm sorry. I know it feels bad to feel not loved by someone special with whom you can be close.

I may be off the mark. Only you know what is hurting you so bad. It would be good to put it into words to someone. That is, it can be good, so long as that someone doesn't try to tell you that you are making a big deal about something easily solvable. It is a huge challenge to solve it.

You are capable - probably - of way more than you believe you are. Almost all of us are. I am telling this to myself as much as to you.

Everyone here does really care.

[Rose76]

Jess - I'm sorry. I referred to something that I thought you mentioned, and that was not the case. Still, I might not be so far off the mark. If you do have people who love you, I am glad. I see that you feel they do not understand. Even though I was confused, maybe I hit on what might be causing you heartache.

Forgive me for mis-remembering your posts. It would be hard to say what hurts, if you feel like you don't understand. In my experience, loneliness is at the back of depression an awful lot of the time. That might be a hint to help you, or it might not. Only you will be able to say. I hope you can come to understand better what is hurting you.