Depressed about my past

I am suffering from depression for a secret I have kept, and I can't seem to cope with it. It is embarassing but I need help.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was very sexual. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing his 'lower half' against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) I was already aware of my sexuality so I don't think this was childhood curiousity. About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as others have thought this has been the root cause of my issue.

First of all, was rubbing it against my groin the way I did considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. A couple therapists I have talked to said that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset, and still unable to fully believe them. My BIGGEST concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a young girl. But is 12 even considered a child? Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??)

You were only 12. Forgive yourself and move on. No one is holding this against you, but you. We all do things we regret but we must move on. The past cannot hurt you. Live in the present and look forward to the future. I would consider your past incident as coming of age. Don't let it define you! You seem to have an otherwise great life. So enjoy and don't look back!!!

Jacko, you were hardly at the age to have the notion of right and wrong. I can remember when my conscience kicked in after I took a silver dollar from a neighbor; I had to return it. I was about that age. You are looking at the incident with adult eyes now, knowing it's not appropriate; at the time it was sexual curosity without that strong feeling of right and wrong we develope as we mature. Give yourself a brake on this, and don't beat yourself up. Really trivial thing for you to worry about now. hugs, bj

Thanks guys. I guess i'm just worried about what people would think if they knew what I did. But I try to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal. So it really is a trivial thing to be worrying about? I can't seem to get that through my head.

I also have a hard time classifying what this was in my head. I don't know if this was sex or what. I suppose it was masturbation, but I just don't know. I try to tell myself that I was a kid, but was 12 really the age of a child? I just feel like I should have known better. I had masturbated prior to this incident so I keep thinking that it was no longer curiosity at this point. So many thoughts running through my head.... looking for closure.

masturbation is a healthy outlet for young males and older males as well. we do know to keep these things private (most of us do). I still think you are being too hard on yourself and condemning yourself because since then you heard about beastiality and connect it to what you did. don't even go there, at 12, you may have had some secrets about your actions, but fully understanding it was a social misconduct would not have been easily grasped at that age. Now it's like wow I must have been perverted at that time. No,no, still sexual curosity of a very young person. You feeling so sorry about this proves to me, this is a young man with integrity and you need to forgive yourself. It won't happen again...your grown now and know the social graces.
bj

you're a girl, right?

yes, i'm a girl.

yes, I'm a girl.

Checking in to see how you are doing.

Jacko , it seems to me that you are obssessively thinking about that incident, why are you torturing yourself? You are concern about what people would think but they don't have to know everything you did or didn't in your past. Apparently you thnk you should have a be-lated punishment. When we are children or teenagers we are still dealing with impulse control issues. The younger the person the more impulsive he/she is. You wouldn't do it now, you are older and more mature now so you are different. You are putting too much weight on an incident from the past, instead of living your present and find your current value. Try to think more posivitively about yourself and focus on your future.

Hello,

I'm doing alright. It really helps to have an online support system that I can turn to when I need to talk. Some days I can forget about the incident, and live in the present. Other days the memory will come back to haunt me. I think I have other issues in my life that are stressing me out and causing me to be depressed in general. Issues with my boyfriend and a male friend of mine, leading me to be confused about what I want in life. Really, my life is just kind of a mess at the moment, haha. Maybe it's a coming-of-age thing that happens to some people in their twenties. But i'm coping. Going to the doctor soon to be referred to a therapist so hopefully that will help. Thanks for your concern

This is such a small part of your past but it is destroying your present and future. Do not give it so much power. Millions of people do different things sexually, fantasies, fetishes, etc which do not even phase them later in life

Yours would not even be considered abnormal compared to some of the others so please let it go and move on and you were ONLY 12!!!!

all the best