[Serotonin]

OK, maybe "beat" is the wrong word, as even 20 years after first diagnosis I have to be careful and continuously monitor my mood. "Brought it under control and learned how to manage it" would probably be a better and more accurate description, as I still have to make a conscious effort to maintain my mental health.

I began to suffer from depression in 1992, it then subsided before returning in 1996 when I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and which lasted for more than 3 years. In the depths of this illness I was convinced that I would never feel normal (abstract concept) again. I thought I had literally stepped too far over the blurred line that divides mental health from mental illness, and that I would never recover. I was convinced that I was damaged beyond repair.

I began my journey by first of all visiting my GP, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who made the diagnosis of "clinical depression", and was then in turn referred to a Psychologist for psychotherapy.

The psychiatrist prescribed Paroxetine, an SSRI, which initially helped to alleviate the symptoms of the illness, but like most pharmaceutical drug treatments, did not eliminate the illness itself. I became addicted to this type of medication, and despite the fact that the manufacturers claimed it was "non-habit forming". Many other users of Paroxetine have reported similar dependence, and a documentary was screened on British television highlighting the dangers of using this drug, despite Seroxat's (the manufacturers) sustained claim that it did not cause dependence.

I was prescribed and tried a number of other pharmaceutical anti-depressant medications before confronting the fact that I did not like the side effects of any of them, and decided to come off them. I also stopped attending psychotherapy sessions as I felt that I wasn't benefiting from them, and thus began my journey of independent exploration and discovery.

I had one very clear goal in mind, and that was to beat depression and restore my mental health as best I could. The internet had just taken off and I used it to do as much independent research on the nature, causes and treatments available for depression. I learned about the different types of depression, and the success rates of the different treatments, and it was during this exploration that I stumbled upon a herbal treatment for depression called "St. John's Wort" (SJW), which was reported to be prescribed more often than pharmaceutical anti-depressants by doctors in Germany, and with promising results.

The good thing about SJW was that it was successful in treating mild to moderate depression, but contained none of the side effects of the pharmaceutical anti-depressants. When I began trying it my depression had already began to ameliorate, so within a couple of days I began to experience a positive result, and was beginning to feel slightly better, even though my depression had been quite severe.

I continued to do research and learned about the positive effects that physical exercise, meditation, and a wholegrain (natural serotonin) diet could have on depression. I bought and read as much self help psychology (and human spirituality) literature as I could, and thoroughly embraced the whole "New Age" movement that was taking off at the time, as it's primary focus seemed to be on human mental, emotional, and physical well being.

I must point out that I am an Agnostic and thus not a religious person, and this is why my focus was on human spirituality as opposed to supernatural spirituality, although it must be noted that the two frequently overlap and merge, with many people believing in both the human and the holy spirit.

I enthusiastically embarked upon the "Natural Prozac Diet", a regime of consuming many different wholegrain foods (wholegrain rice in particular) which naturally raise the levels of serotonin, a neurochemical in the brain. As many of you probably well know, low levels of serotonin are thought to be responsible for the onset and continuation of depression, and what pharmaceutical anti-depressants like Prozac do is artificially raise serotonin levels in the brain, thus alleviating the symptoms of depression, but regrettably not the causes of the illness or the illness itself.

I began to exercise regularly: running, cycling, walking; just getting out and about to alleviate the loneliness, isolation, and feelings of alienation that depression had caused. I also began to use meditation to treat the anxiety symptom of depression, and read many books which provided a powerful insight into the nature and course of the illness. It became apparent that depression had become a very common illness, and that despite feeling alone, I was not in fact alone.

I must emphasise that prior to this course of action I had seriously contemplated taking my own life, as the mental and emotional pain of long term depression had become so unbearable that suicide seemed like the only viable option and effective means of bringing it to a permanent end. I even had my suicide note written out, ready and waiting to be placed on my bed whenever the time came when I felt that I couldn't take another single moment of the pain and torture that my life had become.

But even in the depths of depression and on those days when I thought I just could not go on, there was at my core a desire to battle on and beat the beast that was devouring my sanity, my happiness, and my soul. In fact "happiness" had become a distant memory, and I began to doubt the existence of the soul if there is such a thing, as I hadn't felt anything but pain and numbness for a very long time.

Very slowly and progressively my mental and emotional state began to improve. I went out one day for a cycle to the coast, and remember sitting looking out over the ocean and seeing a seal briefly come out of the water then quickly submerge. The sun was shining, and for the first time in more than three and a half years I felt what can only be described as a chink of light in the doorway. It was a very strange but welcome sensation, as if someone had placed a healing hand on the top of my head, and it's warmth was radiating deep into my malfunctioning brain, and making it better.

I felt tears, but this time not of mental pain, these tears were different. These were tears of liberation and release, I was nearing the end of the tunnel and entering into the light, I was finally beginning to experience the very long awaited breakthrough.

Meditation, physical exercise, St. John's Wort, the Natural Prozac (wholegrain) diet, self help psychology reading on depression, and a determination to battle on and defeat this terrible illness took me to that day, and I'll never forget it for as long as I live, as it was like coming to the end of a three and a half year prison sentence.

But depression is always lurking, threatening to return and devour my equilibrium and well-being the way it did before. But now I have the tools to fight it, and despite being a chronic loner who fell into a huge rut during my period of depression and who still hasn't managed to extract himself completely from it, I try to live as healthy and positive a lifestyle as is humanly possible, and do all in my power to prevent myself from entering that abyss again, as once was enough.

Depression changed the entire nature and course of my life, and not in a good way. I had plans, ambitions, I wanted to be a Psychologist. With depression I became someone who went to see a Psychologist, and for many years now my only goal in life has just been to be myself, live one day at a time, and do all in my power to preserve my salvaged mental health, and sustain it for as long as I can.

I experienced a tear typing this out, as the memory of what I went through with depression came flooding back; and I still resent the illness of depression for robbing me of my life for many years, and continuing to place restrictions on what I am capable of doing to this day. But this has nevertheless been a therapeutic exercise, and if you've gotten this far I can only hope that you too have benefited from what you have read, and that it shall provide you with even just a modicum of encouragement to not give in and to battle on.

I discovered that mental pain can be a lot worse than physical pain, and that it takes a hell of a lot of strength to overcome it. I hope you find that strength.

Thank you for listening, and good luck on your journey.

Take care.

[Serotonin]

Too long?

Sorry.

[NYCDoglvr]

Thank you so much for writing about your experience. This disease almost killed me, I got to the point of not being able to get out of bed. Thank god a wonderful psycho-pharmacologist found the right cocktail of meds that completely changed my distorted self-destructive thinking which I call "depression think". I'll be on meds the rest of my life which is fine with me since they work so well. And therapy continues.

But beyond that, like you I must do my part. It's my tendency to isolate and I have to drag myself out and get active. Fortunately I live in New York and can just walk out of my apartment; that action snaps me out of it a lot. Fast walking, being around people is a lifesaver. Still, it's a struggle to do that. I must also pay attention to my thinking, that it's not going into "depression think". I've learned the difference between being down or feeling depressed and "depression think", that distorted self-destructive spiral into darkness. When I feel down or depressed, I can get myself out by taking an action. But when "depression think" kicks in I can't, I must call the doctor quickly.

Thanks so much for your post, I picked up some useful tips from you.

[Serotonin]

Glad you found it useful (if not a tad too long), and hope that it has strengthened your resolve to hang on in there.

I know what you're talking about with the phrase "depression think". I used to call it "being on the negative thought train and not being able to get off". One negative thought would give birth to another negative thought, and this just went on all day. It was like a thinking disease, I could see the positive in nothing, and thought that people who viewed the glass as half full as opposed to half empty were naive and foolish.

I read that book "The power of positive thinking", but didn't get much out of it. In the end I just had to accept the fact that I couldn't completely stop having negative thoughts (in fact some were justified), but to learn to recognise them as just thoughts being produced by a neurochemically imbalanced brain, and not necessarily an accurate reflection of reality.

I also learned that instead of actively coercing yourself to think positively, sometimes it's better to just attempt to stop thinking negatively by dropping every thought (negative or otherwise) as soon as you give birth to it and it enters consciousness.

My thought processes used to get me into a lot of trouble, and learning to just stop thinking was a real challenge, but ultimately a real liberation.

[mariematt]

Marijuana produces a kind of mind-altering effect, which induces complete rest and sleep. It is regarded as a medical herb because of its potential medical benefits. Marijuana contains at least more than 60 chemicals including cannabinoids. This chemical known as the cannabinoid is use to treat certain kind of medical conditions. When smoked or eaten, the cannabinoid found in marijuana acts on the receptor cells in our brain especially the areas that control our body movement and memory. Marijuana use affects co-ordination and balance thus reducing anxiety and depression.

[Serotonin]

Marijuana can also cause anxiety, paranoia, and symptoms akin to psychosis eg. schizophrenia in some people, and many users have reported dependence.

I've tried it in the past and never really enjoyed it, as it usually had the effect of exacerbating my anxiety as opposed to ameliorating it.

Also, in the UK cannabis/marijuana usage is still illegal, so there's the real potential for prosecution.

[NYCDoglvr]

I read that book "The power of positive thinking", but didn't get much out of it. In the end I just had to accept the fact that I couldn't completely stop having negative thoughts (in fact some were justified), but to learn to recognise them as just thoughts being produced by a neurochemically imbalanced brain, and not necessarily an accurate reflection of reality.

I agree, trying to force positive thoughts doesn't work. Stop Thinking is what happens in meditation, which is so useful. I can follow my breathing which makes it easier to let go of thoughts.

I can distinguish between being normally depressed and seriously depressed. With normal depression I can get myself out, usually by taking an action. Serious depression I can't do that. Thank God it has been seven years since was in that terrifying place.

[turquoisesea]

Thanks for this. It's good to hear a positive path of dealing with depression now and again. A lot of what you mentioned are things my therapist says helps people so much - exercise, diet etc. I've definitely become more aware and careful about those things (not that I was outright eating BADLY, but I have to be much more careful since getting diagnosed).

I also agree with the forced positive thoughts... I almost feel like that approach can only taken once you're WELL enough to work on it... I don't know if that makes any sense but that's my experience with it

[Serotonin]

I still have to work on the diet and exercise part, as it's so easy to revert to eating comfort foods and sitting at the computer for most of the day not taking sufficient physical exercise. The nature of the food you eat really does have an effect on your mood, and not getting the heart muscles pumping blood around the body can also cause a decline in mood.

I no longer read self help psychology books as now I have the biggest library and information resource in the world at my finger tips ie. the internet, but I do try to meditate now and again (if you can do this for 20 minutes once day you feel all the difference), and take the occasional St. Johns Wort capsule whenever the dark cloud descends and I feel that it's not lifting.

I think it's essentially about trying to establish and sustain a balanced lifestyle, knowing when your equilibrium is beginning to become undone, and taking the necessary steps to correct the imbalance and restore harmony before it is allowed to beckon the onset of another depressive episode.

I keep having to rescue myself, as no-one else is going to do it.

[Serotonin]

Originally Posted by hankster

Beautifully written. but why do you single yourself out (in another thread) as having crooked teeth? I thought all your countrymen had such. at any rate, i'm glad you haven't taken the Seg-way off the cliff; you are a wonderful addition to the boards.

The all British people have bad teeth notion is a myth, it's really just me and Ken Dodd. And I'm glad you think I'm a "wonderful addition to the boards".

Woops! Looks like your post I quoted was swiftly removed. Ain't that strange.

[KeepGoing8]

Thanks Seratonin I'm pretty deep in the depression rut right now. I was on paroxatine for a bit, but recently transitioned off cuz it gave me a kidney stone! (EPIC Paxil FAIL After a manic weekend, I wake up deep in the rut this morning, and reading your post made me feel that little hope glimmer again. I dream of the day that I can treat my depression in the natural ways you've described. i was on my way there when this dang kidney stone came along! Jeesh, life is hard

[Serotonin]

You deserve some relief from depression just for having waded your way through that post. I didn't intend it to be so long, but once those fingers start tapping ...

Glad to hear that the hope feeling is back on the horizon.

DO NOT LET YOUR MONSTER BEAT YOU.

Stay strong.
Serotonin.

[SolutionIsProcess]

Thanks for posting this, Serotonin. It was an inspirational read and gave me some hope to see someone who is in a place I'm trying to get closer to.

I have had depression, and probably a number of other disorders, since I was 10 years old. I'm 28 now. I have grown a lot during my 20's, and it's like night and day now when I think about the changes I've made. However, I still smoke pot regularly, and feel overwhelmed by insecurity/loneliness when I attempt to quit. I am getting better at it with each attempt to quit, but still have not found a way to maintain. As far as I'm concerned, this is the last part of my old self to go. I'll always carry some form of depression, but I can manage it. I just need to kick the smoking.

I would be curious to hear you talk a little bit about any experiences you had with needing other people because you were/are alone, and how you confront that. Seems to be what gets me every single time.

PS: I have been dabbling more into reading on meditation and Buddhism again lately and am also finding that to be helpful. And yes, self-help literature helps tremendously.

[Mommilady]

Thank you so much for posting this....I didn't think it was too long at all! I appreciated reading about your approach because many of the things that worked for you are things that I want to try or have already begun trying. For example, I downloaded free meditation podcasts on iTunes and try to listen to at least one a day, I'm trying to exercise more consistently, trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, etc.

Would you please post any books or links to websites that you found particularly helpful to you? Thank you.

[CastlesInTheAir]

very nice.....

if i could just get myself to do those things I think I would be good.

I have a problem with the whole motivation thing.....