[Aardwolf]

I wasn't quite sure where to put this, I think here is the most appropriate place..

As of late.. I've been feeling worse and worse about myself. My self esteem has dropepd through the floor, my feleings for myself have turned to more hate and anger.

Above all, I just feel like a useless person. I don't feel like i contribute anything useful to anyone. I wake up in the mornings and want to fall back into unconciousness. I see people with smiles and wish I could have what they have, but i know i'm not strong enough to be like that.
I look at myself and tell myself to be happy but I know i don't deserve it.

[Nams]

Not very good at advice but I can offer hugz hope that helps even a little.
Nams

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( ACQPL )))))))))))))
sending gentle hugs, hope they help a little

[Aardwolf]

Thankyou for your thoughts, and for your kind words. They really do mean something to us.

[dazeofdolphins]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I wasn't quite sure where to put this, I think here is the most appropriate place..

As of late.. I've been feeling worse and worse about myself. My self esteem has dropepd through the floor, my feleings for myself have turned to more hate and anger.

Above all, I just feel like a useless person. I don't feel like i contribute anything useful to anyone. I wake up in the mornings and want to fall back into unconciousness. I see people with smiles and wish I could have what they have, but i know i'm not strong enough to be like that.
I look at myself and tell myself to be happy but I know i don't deserve it.

You have distorted thinking. You have not realized your full potential. You are here for a reason. Reach out and help just one person today. It could mean the world to them!

[Aardwolf]

Dolphin - yes I see what you mean, ITs just that I have a difficult time accepting any praise, any good, anything.. I still feel like i should be given it even if what i've done is good..

[Aardwolf]

Arghh.

I didn't want to make another thread because i didn't want to hogify too much of the forum but my god I've had such a shite day today D:
Work was awful, my manager was lovely, but my colleagues were so horrible to me..
I got home today and wanted to curl up into a ball in some insignificant corner of the biggest dark room ever so no-one could ever find me.
So many issues at the moment and i feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall..
I don't know what to do with myself i've got so much going wrong at the same time my emotions are like they are inside a washing machine on full spin cycle.. vom :S I actually do feel physically sick.. I spent my lunch hour crying so hard that my eyes are still red and puffy over 12 hours later..

[BuggsBunny]

Wow, you sound stressed! I am sorry to hear about your awful day. Maybe a warm bath, some soft music that you can lose yourself in, and a few hugs will help?

[Aardwolf]

I've never felt so low for a long long time. I don't know what to do. I don't know if i want to do anything but just sit in this bottomless pit of dispair

[Aardwolf]

That was a useless post, as it dosen't actually help my case, it dosen't explain anything.

What i'm feeling so low about is so much, but narrowing it down to the main things..

Self esteem - its currently like a trainwreck. I'm convinced everyone hates me, out ot get me, or just simply don't like me. Pick a card, any card.. My self image, be it physicaly, mentally, or something in between I don't know but I just hate everything I am. I hate how i feel, I hate how i feel so lost and stuck in this constant, never ending hell. I feel like i'm awlays lying to people about how i am (which to be honestly i usually am) I don't know how to express myself in conversation very well which i'll admit is why sometimes the forum is so much better because i can actually hide and not have to be looked at while speaking or explaining something. Yes - i know i have some very serious issues and have finally picked up the courage to contact my told T but its scaring the life out of me ! I don't want to go back to asking for help again. Opening up to people this way makes me feel so so vulnerable it makes me want to cry and hide for a million years. I hate having to speak to people, i always know they are going to judge me becaus it dosen't sound like i'm trying to do anything about the situation i've landed myself in but i'm trying so, so hard and I don't know any other way. It just all hurts so much. I've spent so many nights now lying awake just sobbing constantly with the pressure and the stress which i'm putting myself in and it hurts, it physically makes me feel sick. I can't eat properly anymore, its not that I don't want to, its just that i can't. I hate my image so much i can't stand the thought of putting more inside me and it makes me tear myself apart so much more because i could be so much better than what I am. Sometimes I feel like i'm not trying hard enough, i feel like i should just "get up and brush the dust of my shoudlers" but I can't. I just can't get up, i can't just brush it of, but i wish so deeply that i could but i don't have the mental strength at the moment. My dissasociation has gone through the roof, Chloe is taking over more and more of me, I can't stay focused, i'm loosing myself in my own head. I can't cope with it, i know its her job to try and keep me safe and stable but i know she'll hurt me. I know she'll just punish herself, which is punishing me as well. I feel so unstable, unpredictable I don't know what to do with myself..
I keep triggering myself and wanting to just hurt myself more and more because thats all i feel like i deserve now, to feel more and more pain, to never be allowed to feel happy, to forget compeltely what its like ot be normal. I've been hurting myself so much more and its just normal. I don't bother to hide it because no-one cares, I don't feel like anyone should anymore.
I'm not suicidal, I just feel like i don't know what to do with msyelf, and i'm doubting that even the T , the doc and anything will help me anymore. I'm thinking why not just give up on yourself completely. leave this gutter of a place your in, just forget about it all, don't care about yoruself, let yourself waste away untill there's nothing left. I feel so bad about writing this all, I feel like i've let so many people down but i feel like i've already tipped over the edge and am plunging into the darkness bellow without any way of getting back
I'm a monster.. a thing.. i'm not a person.

[TerryL]

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I remember you said before that your father was good to you.. Might remembering that bring you some comfort? as for being ill at ease about opening up, have you considered therapy by phone? Would that make it easier for you? and you are not a monster..you are a very special and dear person who has just been so very hurt. ((((ACQPL)))))

[Aardwolf]

He was.. he's in hospital at the moment and i'ts really not helping the hwole situation, i feel like i shoudl have been better to him, but it might be too late now..
Hurt ? yes, special, dear ? You may want to re-consider that one.
On the phone i'm not sure, i don't know where to ring and i don't liek the idea of not knowing who i'm taking to to be honest.. I trust this place, (even though i can't count on it for obvious reasons) But i don't know how safei would feel speaking to some randomer on the phone.

[TerryL]

Well, perhaps it is not too late to convey what you want to convey to your father? Even if you don't think he can hear/understand you, perhaps it is worth a try? You have nothing to lose. I'm really sorry he is unwell.

As for therapy, I thought you had seen a T before? But if you need to find one, or find a new one, perhaps try your local psychological association's website? or ask someone for a referral? and as for your hesitation about opening up about your most personal issues to a complete stranger on the phone.. I totally understand. It's good that you are careful. I always google them and try to check their professional licensing and complaint histories online. I think many T's will give you one free consultation. or maybe you could meet them one time in person to see if you like them... I had grief therapy via phone because my T was in another country. I chose her because I saw her bio online and liked what I read and we had a free phone consultation to see if we were compatible. Even found her on youtube...

Well, I do hope that your hurts will eventually be healed. Please don't give up. All the best to you all (((dear ACQPL)))

[feary]

catch yourself before you fall deeper. save yourself. you are worth it. you only get one life- enjoy it- start doing just ONE little thing that is positive and new for yourself

[Aardwolf]

Terry ~ I know its not too late, i just don't know if i should..
Yes I know what your saying, tis something i'll consider rather than go running into it headfirst..
I do honestly feel like giving up right now, i don't want to fight it all anymore. Its been so long ,and so hard it'll be easier to cave in.

feary ~ Again, yes I know i should, but i just don't feel like i should or like i'm worth it. I've hurt people, i've made thier lives difficult and i've really $hitted up some peoples lives..
Why do i deserve any better ?

[TerryL]

Terry ~ I know its not too late, i just don't know if i should..

Well, you know your own situation best. I hope you can think this one out..

Yes I know what your saying, tis something i'll consider rather than go running into it headfirst..
I do honestly feel like giving up right now, i don't want to fight it all anymore. Its been so long ,and so hard it'll be easier to cave in.

feary ~ Again, yes I know i should, but i just don't feel like i should or like i'm worth it. I've hurt people, i've made thier lives difficult and i've really $hitted up some peoples lives..
Why do i deserve any better ?

For those whom you feel you have hurt, do you think there is a chance to right that wrong? If you think there is, please do consider it. I just don't want you to regret not doing something you feel you should.. before it is too late....and just remember.. we all do and say things we regret later on...we are all human....so big hugs to you...

[Aardwolf]

Its all beside the point now. I've ruined everything. I've ruined my life, my chances of doing something worthwhile. There's no point even bothering to try anymore

[feary]

I wonder first what makes you feel so low about yourself

Change your perception of yourself by taking action although it is like walking through quicksand, it must be done

Do good things for yourself- exercise, take up a hobby, do something productive, teach, etc

make a list of positive things in your life- a. you HAVE a job in this economy, etc...

only you can help yourself

[feary]

Volunteer to help others less fortunate

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

Its all beside the point now. I've ruined everything. I've ruined my life, my chances of doing something worthwhile. There's no point even bothering to try anymore

Did something happen recently?

[Nams]

((((((((((ACQPL))))))))))

Thinking about you
Nams