[ThePainNeverDies]

Hi everyone. I know I've not been around for a while and I apologise for that.

Christmas was a struggle as it always is, so was New Year. But I managed to feel festive and enjoy the time I had with David and his family. It was nice to get a break from work and finally relax.

After Christmas though, I came down ill. The reason? Because Christmas forced me to relax. To do nothing but enjoy the time I had and just chill out, spend time with those I love, not think so much, just relax. So all my stressing and worrying caught up with me and made me sick which was painful and yuck. I'm still not fully recovered now, but being sick meant I stayed on the sofa not doing a lot which I guess my body needed. As much as I didn't want to, I even took a day off work sick because I was so ill that I could hardly sit up so I knew there was no way my body would cope with work.

Anyway, today I woke up when David got up to get ready for work and kiss me goodbye etc, then went back to sleep. I had a dream that I'd forgotten to take my work pass to work, meaning I couldn't get into my locker (my pass had my locker key attached), which in turn meant I couldn't use my head set and get my notebook and pens along with my hand sanitizer. I'm really religious about having hand sanitizer on my desk, you wouldn't believe the things some people do in that place.. So I felt a bit panicked and like I'd messed up.

But then I woke up after a bit more sleep and just felt a wave of anguish wash over me from nowhere. It wasn't like I'd been thinking about anything in particular or like anything particularly awful has happened over the last few days. So I sat up and just started to cry, I don't even know why. I just cried. I haven't cried in ages because I've been stuffing it down, ignoring it and when I do need to cry, it's stuck if that makes any sense at all.

So now, here I am feeling like an absolute sobbing mess because I keep crying on and off and I'm really not sure why. 2011 was a hard year to leave behind, but I have so much good happening in my life now. My modelling career is taking off, I'm getting a new job this week, David and I are settled in our home, money isn't such a worry anymore because I'm sticking to my money plans, I have two beautiful kittens to snuggle when I'm sad and I have people around me who care.

So why do I keep crying and feeling so sad? The only thing that I can think it would be is that this year will be 10 years since I lost my Foster Dad and 5 years since I got kicked out, meaning I had to fend for myself... Other than that I'm really not sure what's bothering me. Maybe I'm afraid I'm going to fail with life, I think that's a possibility... I'm always worrying that I'll screw up and ruin my whole life. But I've screwed up my life before, so I know where not to go and how to look after and nurture my inner self that tells me what's right to do. I know how to decide for myself what feels right and what doesn't.

Just so unsure of myself at the moment and it feels like depression is taking its hold again. I'm still struggling with my ED, I still think about SH every now and then, but I haven't cut in 15 months now and I won't slip with that. I'm just so afraid that depression, somehow, is weeding its way back in and bringing me down and I'm just not sure how to grasp onto that last glimmer of hope and strength that I have.

I want to feel okay, like... Really okay. But I honestly don't know if I can and how I can... Any ideas?

[pianolady]

no advice1 but hugs. sometimes illness can mess with things and bring out things though. hope you feel better soon.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks pianolady

[shezbut]

(((ThePainNeverDies)))

It's possible that you're in a more comfortable spot in life, feeling more safe to let your sadness about the past out now, and that's what the tears are from. Especially since you have a tendency to repress your sadness, Are you seeing a T? Certainly worth a discussion or two with him/her about your struggle.

I'd recommend trying not to focus on "what's the problem?", and simply let the emotions out. Write the thoughts you have freely. Hopefully that will give you better clues as to what's happening in that noggin of yours.

Best wishes to you!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Currently not seeing a T, no. I know I should be and I'm thinking about it. I'm just finding it really hard to place my trust in anyone right now.

I always write down my thoughts/feelings/emotions because somehow it helps. I'm not sure how. It just does.

But today I really am struggling more than I have for a long, long while. I cannot stop crying and I just feel like I'm alone with everything, like I've lost so much and gained very little, like I've achieved very little

I'm really such a big, horrible mess and I hate myself for it I should just 'man up' and be strong, just get on with all my day to day stuff as normal and just get over it. Just be the rock that everyone sees everyday getting through everything like it's nothing, just breezing through life like nothing's wrong.

EVERYTHING. Is wrong.I'm coming down so hard

[eskielover]

Just curious.....I take it you are not pregnant at this time after you found out you were last September.........have you been able to process that situation. I know for many women, it causes serious depression even when having a baby would have been at a very bad time in life. The loss of the life & all the hormone's that go along with it definitely NEED TO BE PROCESSED & therapy definitely is a good place to start.

Know we can try to rationalize those feelings away.....but there is really NO DENYING that when a woman is pregnant & for whatever reason does not have the baby.....even when they are like me with NO MOTHERLY INSTINCTS.....it has it's depressive effects on our emotions whether we are try to deny it or not.

Know you haven't commented on that since the bleeding you mentioned in one of your posts & with not knowing where your depression is coming from.....it was just a few pieces of the puzzle that seemed like they might fit in my mind.

It's good to see that things are working out for you.....but it's also important to be able to process those things that have a huge effect on our emotions so that things like the ED don't take over again. The DBT group I have been going to for the last year has really helped me be aware & much more observant of all the possible things that can effect my emotions & my distress level & be able to help my self get through the worst times along with trying to put my emotional mind & logical mind together to best solve the problems that hit me that tend to cause the issues that send me into major struggles.

We can't be that strong person unless the foundation we are building that strength on is stable & strong itself.....without the skills necessary to build that strong foundation & help repair the cracks......we continue to struggle rather than be that strong rock we expect out of ourselves.

Sending you huge 's & lots of caring

[Fuzzybear]

[Nams]

Offering huge hugz.

[ThePainNeverDies]

No unfortunately I'm not... My Cousin Outlaw just had her baby this morning and as soon as I heard, my heart felt torn to pieces because this means if I were still pregnant, I'd have only had 6 weeks until my baby was due. I don't feel like any therapist would take me seriously with the baby thing. I'm only 20, they'd look at me and think 'Her? A Mother already? And she's sitting here whinging that she's not a Mum??? She's so young, she'd be stupid to delude herself thinking she could handle it!' I understand why they'd think that and I accept that yes, maybe people think I am deluding myself, but after having to look after myself since i was 7, I feel more like a 33 year old, not a 20 year old. I know I need to go to therapy and talk about this, really process it. I know I haven't processed it at all, I've just continued with daily life as though it's normal. I guess to me this stress IS just another normal daily thing. But deep down inside, I know it's broken my heart That's so hard to admit.

I always found it easier having a counsellor to see every week and discuss my stresses and worries with, because, like with you, they could help me to use my distressed/illogical side in a logical way to solve the problems that I was facing. I've always looked forward to counselling sessions because I know I always go away feeling like I've achieved something and that I understand the situation, and myself, much better. It's so hard not having a counsellor anymore. I just don't have the time because I work full time

I believe that even though I've had a rough childhood and no-one to build solid foundations for me to build on myself, I've built some decent foundations myself. Not as strong as those built by a good Parent and a happy, stable family life/childhood, but that's a given... I believe I've built stable enough foundations for me to be able to get through my life with the help of a counsellor to help fill in the cracks. It's just finding the right counsellor and time to do so. I'm just trying to build on the foundations now and fill in those cracks myself at the moment, but filling in the cracks myself is impossible because I can't counsel myself, I can't rationalise things like a counsellor can. I can only build the new blocks..

So far it's been modelling that's kept me going through the miscarriage. The only thing I've been thinking is: 'I wouldn't be such a popular/well known/established model now if I were still pregnant' I just wouldn't have been able to continue with modelling for so long and a baby would have ruined my figure. That's been literally the only thing that's kept me going apart from knowing that perhaps I'm not ready yet and perhaps I still have many cracks to fill and many more foundation blocks to build.

Modelling, my new job and my own strength of character, my own determination, are the only things to have kept me living. I have had days where all I've wanted to do is just give up completely. Tonight I feel utterly torn apart by the Birth of my Cousin Out Law's Son, but at the same time I feel overjoyed because his name is Noah and all along the pregnancy I have been sewing a Noah's Ark Blanket, not knowing which gender the bump was. That's made me so pleased because I had an inkling the bump was a boy. But then again, I think how in this World am I going to cope when I finally meet him face to face? When I see her and her new family all together, happy in the knowledge that she beat the doctors who said she'd never get pregnant, let alone carry a child for 9 months and 2 weeks and then give Birth naturally. How will I cope? By just smiling and hiding what I really feel, by remembering that when my time comes, it'll be just as happy and even more filled with love.

At the moment I just want to hide away in a cave and not come out for months, because when I'm stressed, unhappy or generally not myself, that's what I do. I hide away to save others having to deal with me. I deal with myself and when I'm more OK again, I come out again and face the World and all the s**t it has to throw at me. I'm determined to beat life because so far it's given me not a lot other than hell. I have good things in my life, I know that...

But tomorrow... Tomorrow is my Best Friend's Birthday. The friend I lost a year and 5 months ago to Anorexia. Tomorrow I'm having a massage that will last 3 hours because my body is so stressed that all my muscles have seized up and need a LOT of TLC. Tomorrow I know I'll wake up crying because Isla isn't here to celebrate what would have been her 30th Birthday, she's not here to see the smile on my face knowing she's recovered and happy again, not here to receive her special gift from me. Not here to see how much she's inspired me and made such an impact on my life for the better. She's not here because the illness that is trying to take over my life, took over hers and killed her.

I miss her. Gosh I miss her so much. I'd never met her but we spoke every day and she was always a friend to lean on, I was always there when she needed someone too, even at 4am! We had planned to meet a couple of weeks later but then the day came when I was sitting in a coffee shop and my T had gone to get another coffee. Then I'd had the message come through saying 'I'm sorry to tell you that Isla passed away this morning.' A message from one of the nurses caring from her. My T came back and I sat there and just stared at the table, fiddling with the spoon on my plate. Then broke down completely. My T's face was one of horror, shock and 'MyGodWhat'sWrong?????' She'd NEVER seen me cry, even when she knew I wanted to, desperately wanted to cry and scream and pull my hair... But that day she saw me cry my heart out, totally break and not know what to say or how to do anything other than cry. She rushed to my side and looked at me, asking what was wrong, had she pushed me too far? I dipped my head and said meekly "No... Isla... My best friend....... Sh-she's. Gone!"

I've never seen, heard or felt myself cry in front of someone like that before. People looked at me and I didn't care, I was falling apart because my biggest inspiration was gone, the person who'd given me so many reasons not to let anorexia take over. It's amazing how I stood up and just carried on with my day, even after my T specifically said I needed to sit down and let myself take it in, not just get on with my day like nothing had happened.

Ah. I feel so sad I'm sorry

[eskielover]

There is nothing to be sorry about....your feelings of sadness are definitely the appropriate emotions for all you are going through & have gone through......considering that many of the emotions weren't processed at the time they occurred.

I have found in my many number of years of life that all the unprocessed emotions that built up inside of me did just like a glass of water that keeps filling.....you know how it gets rounded over the top until just that one little drop makes is overflow......when we don't process those emotions that we stuff away inside.....they come out & all overflow at the same time & we can't distinguish them because it's all of them flowing together.

You have a lot of sadness going on right now.....the thoughts of loosing your own baby, the loss of Isla.....even though there is the joy of your cousin's new baby.....it sort of gets countered by your own loss that you weren't able to process.

I have a wonderful psychologist who lets you know that the emotions you are feeling are ok.......what ever we feel has a reason & we just need to be aware of understanding the reason & making sure that the emotions don't get 'out of control'......which means that we process what we are feeling with understanding & wisdom.......taken many years of my life to figure out so much of this....but it's kind of an amazing feeling when it starts to make sense & it's OK to feel those feelings that I feel......what a freedom that gives.

Enjoy your message & let yourself relax & feel good during that time.....it's your little vacation that you have earned to be able to let go of all those emotions that have built up inside causing your muscles to be that tense.

Gentle 's & thoughts for you during this difficult time.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks once again for your reply

I know I don't process my emotions as they happen, at the time. I don't process them until weeks, months, even years after they've come about... It's bad, I know. I just don't have a safe haven anymore to express those emotions. Right now I'm doing everything wrong. I dropped tonight's dinner in the cat litter tray, dropped my knife in the litter tray also and I just felt like throwing everything on the floor and crying, throwing a tantrum like a child. How childish of me huh. It annoys me.

Can I borrow your T for a few days please? He/she sounds lovely, really helpful. I like it when people are helpful to us who need it most. Especially considering we tend to be very helpful to many others, I think we deserve it back just a little bit at least.

I do have a lot of sadness going on right now. Not just Isla and the loss of the baby, but just life seeming to throw everything at me all in one go right now. It's hard to get get my head around and try to relax with all that's going on at the moment. I want to let myself grieve my friend not being here for her Birthday, let myself grieve for the loss of my baby and feel the anger that I can feel bubbling away inside me, I want to just feel every emotion that's sitting inside me getting worse and worse, boiling into something much worse when it spills over.. Yet I can't. Because I have to smile, be happy, laugh, make myself look OK for everyone else. Ergo, I can't process everything that's going on.

My massage was amazing. It took me a good hour to drift into lala land, but when I did, I pretty much lost all sense of what was happening around me and almost couldn't feel my massage therapist touching me at all. It was glorious when it came to massaging my forehead and temples, I felt everything wash away and melt like it was honey on a warm spoon, I've never known someone be so good at making me feel better without even saying a word. My massage therapist knew though, that I wanted to talk about things but I couldn't because David didn't go out like he'd said he would, so I just said nothing, once again holding back those emotions, my feelings, my thoughts - for someone elses benefit. I'd thought it all out, I'd known I was probably going to cry because I was choked up about Isla, but Dave being there stopped all that so now my forehead and temples are tense again and my neck hurts because I've now got a migraine from stuffing all that up again. SIGH!

Thanks for the hugs. I'd love to curl up in bed right now and cry my heart out, but I can't because now that I've cooked dinner, I need to wash up

I feel so trodden over today, really I do and I am SO close to screaming and shouting, crying and kicking out at everything and everyone GRRRRR why can't I be the one who has it MY way for once hm...