Need some advice

I have a really bad habit of saying Yes as most of us on PC do I am sure.
This is a bit long but I am really frustrated. Background first....this is only one eg of many situations.
There is this 10yr old kid who is/was friends with my daughter. He has a serious brain injury due to a 4wheeler accident with no helmet. He has really bad bouts of aggression and is physical, seems too that there is no impulse control (I think this is honestly intentional and part excuse for mother allowing it is she is lost as to what to do and "He has a brain injury") He grins widely almost looking evil while he is trying to egg people on and talks about beating people up ALL the time.
I know that sounds terrible but let me explain why I say that, before his accident this kid got suspended 8 times in one year, various reasons - fire alarm numerous times, he brought perfume to school with the intention of spraying his teacher with scent allergies (he told the kids in the class why he brought it) he did it and they had to evacuate her and needed to be taken to hospital he thought it was all hilarious. These are only a few of his actions.
There are so many things that this family has gone through and I feel like I want to help but it seems to me that I am putting them ahead of my family and saying yes to helping him. I do like his mother and want to help her. However my kids and I are exhausted after he leaves and Hubby is really tired of hearing him threaten me. I have told his mother about every instance including him threatening to punch my 4yr old daughter(the last straw). I believe he would do it. I do want to help them but just not every time the Kid asks like he wanted to come back today I had him all day yesterday for almost 12hrs and I lied and said that I had company coming
I have such a hard time saying NO and I mean a really hard time I don't even like saying it to my Hubby of 17yrs. I always feel like I have to say yes or they will hate me and consider me selfish...it really is a deep fear that causes me some serious panic & grief.
My T says to just say NO (that it is OK) but it really isn't that easy for me even the idea of saying it causes me stomach pain, crying fits and complete panic to the point of actually fainting.
My ? is how do you guys deal with situations like this to get past the anxiety and just say NO without having to result to lying or feeling guilty about it.
I just needed to get this off my chest where I know no one will get mad at me and it won't hurt anyone. I even edited this post 3 times just in case the parent involved might be on here and read it, that's the level of fear it causes me.
(Tagged post as a trigger jic)
Thanks for listening and any help guys
Nams

Hi Nams- I think that you deserve to say "no," and that you don't have to have a reason for it. It sounds like you've tried to talk about it logically with this child's mother, and she can't or won't hear it. If I were in that situation, I would probably phrase it as something like this "I know that your son has problems from his injury, and I wish that I could be more supportive to you and to him. However, he has threatened my 4-year-old, and I need to be protective of her first. Maybe we can pick a time for him to come over for a hour or so when she will not be home?"

You don't have to say no "forever" but set boundaries..whatever feels okay to you. And if that means he never comes over, or he comes once a week for a hour, whatever--it is okay.

I know setting boundaries is SO hard..but this sounds like a great place to practice them :-)

Hello Nams, sounds like you want to save the world and more! You had this 10 year old child for 12 hours yesterday even when that might put your own children in danger! Self care is really important, you have to do it for yourself and your own family. Try not to do the guilt trip on this one, you have good reasons to say no.

I soooo want to say no and set boundaries but I find it soooo hard almost as if saying no to someone who needs help makes me a terrible person. I even feel guilty saying No to pushy telemarketers/salespeople. I do feel like I want to make everyone happy all the time. The problem is I end up instantly getting mad at myself for sayin Yes and feeling stupid and cowardly for it. That of course carries on the entire time I am helping and I hate myself for that.
I know that I am a good person, deep down, in that I will help anyone with anything at any time, the thing is that I seem to do it for all the wrong people, for people that Will end up abusing it. Why, I don't know. My T is really great but I don't think he knows how deep this fear really goes. The fear of disappointing people, even practical strangers terrifies me. Even on here I am so afraid to say the wrong thing I edit everything jic it upsets someone or causes anyone any inconvenience. I really hate that part of being me. I hate that I am on here whinging about this when there are so many others with much bigger issues but I just can't handle it anymore, I have become afraid to answer my own phone, for fear that I end up saying Yes to something I don't want to.

Thanks guys.
Nams

Nams, as this is a safety issue and learning to say "no" can't wait, could you

• have your husband say "no" for you?
• write a letter - an editing of your posts here perhaps?

Yes, saying "no" can be difficult and traumatic.

Rohan I never thought of just asking Hubby to say it for me.
As for the letter I have other situations with many of the people in my life that are all doing the same thing, they all have situations/issues of their own and everyone else has walked away from them I don't want them or me to feel like I am abandoning them too. I am really stuck. I keep coming up with reasons in my own head why I have to keep doing this and it always comes down to what they need first.
I try to limit his involvement with my kids by playing with him myself but it is getting too much for me. He told me that he would hit my daughter after I took a spit tube away from him. I am so pathetic, when his Mom dropped him off he had this spit wad tube with him and proceeded to spit wads of paper at me while her and I talked. After she left I was so mad at her and myself for sitting there allowing him to do it not once but 3 times. I was hoping she would do something but she didn't so I sat there like an idiot and let him spit on me, I feel so dumb. I took the tube away only after he spat one at my oldest daughter (12yrs)after she clearly told him if he did it she'd freak. I told his Mom after she came to pick him up about the threat he made and the trigger that started his threats and 1/2hr long tirade of name calling. I down played it like it wasn't a big deal when it clearly was. Why, I don't know.
Thanks for reading guys I am just feeling so frustrated and feeling stupid, I feel like everyone else besides me comes first and genuinely Don't know why.

Hugz
Nams

Nams, I can hear that you feel really stuck.
Yes, saying 'no' can be really hard. I have often felt this in quite a few situations and then also was mad at myself afterwards for not having stood up for myself or made my voice heard or made my wishes clear.

I agree with what the others have said here. It's crucial to set boundaries, especially in this case. Not only has your daughter been threatened, he is obviously putting an enormous amount of strain on you and the rest of the family.
You also very much put your own health at risk by not saying 'no' and having him over so frequently and for such long periods of time. It would be hard for anyone to cope with this, but it's even harder for us all on PC, as we do already struggle to keep our mental health at an acceptable or manageable level.
It concerns me that you put yourself through this, Nams.

If you find it easier, yes, as Rohag suggested, you could possibly try and write your thoughts down for the boy's mother and get your message across in this way.
Alternatively, maybe you can just briefly say you can't have him over at the moment without having to go into long explanations if you see her face to face? I know it's difficult.

Please, try and put your own health and wellbeing and that of your family first here.

I feel for extremely nice people like you nam. There are the idiots of the world that thinks being nice is always saying "yes" to them. Hey, here is someone I can use!! She is definitely using you and your child may pay for this if you let this continue. Sounds like his mom is enabling her son for his psychopathic actions. This is a dangerous situation for you and your family. Being nice is one thing, but please be wise along with it.

You've done enough and if it causes estrangement with this family; you have gained and not lost anything but headaches. Allow you mom's instincts to kick in to protect your own; and get this boy and the user out of your life. We can't be there, be liked by all people and that is reality. Hugs, bj

Thanks guys, there is a resounding message in all your replies. Stop saying Yes not for me but my family...I think for now I will avoid the calls and if I happen to pick up I will just say Sorry I can't & not explain just so I can't. I know that it wont be easy but you guys are right this could potentially be a much bigger issue if I don't. I have to, it's not going to be easy but it will def'ly be easier than my children getting hurt/seeing this behavior, its not fair to them. Baby steps. Thanks again to all of you. I feel better even putting all of this down in writing and getting feed back that I am not a bad person for this feeling.

Huge Hugz
Nams

Hi Nams,
i learned something when i was learning to be a life guard. Sometimes the people you are trying to help...out of fear and desperation...can cause you to drown. The only way to help them is to drag them kicking and screaming and choking you to death under water. Underwater they will panic even more and release you. Saying yes with that child with the brain injury is no different than allowing the child to drown you. One other way to easy the guilt and fear of hurting the mother of the child...perhaps is to take a tiny bit of time to help that family get some support...an agency to help with baby sitting ...etc. That way you can say no Child's name cannot come over but perhaps you might call XXX-XXXX to help you. This way you provide some help without risking your self or your family.

BTW before the child had the brain injury he may have had some Sociopathic symptoms but now the brain injury clouds those problems.

Hi Nams, I used to have a hard time saying "no" too. I didn't want to be perceived as not being nice or hurt someone's feelings. But I have learned as long as I say "no" in a nice way and maybe even explain why when appropriate, people usually understand.

Once again PC members to the rescue. I def'ly feel better and do really hear you all when you say its OK to say NO. Bmee2 I never thot of that but it does makes sense about the drowning, thanks to all of you, you are all wonderful for taking the time to be my shoulder and take the time to help.

Huge Hugz
Nams