[desirae]

This guilt is truly killing me. I can't take that feeling in my gut much longer......it's always there, it haunts me.

I think I need to say it, but it's so awful, so bad.....everybody will hate me....I've never told anybody because it was so awful.

It happens 6 years ago, and still to this day it haunts me.....it consumes me. It's like a disease.

That's the one major guilt's, but there are many more. For one I was such a bad awful person, I used people, stole from them, hurt them, emotionally and physically abused them, I was so cruel, cold, and dead. That was in my using days, I am sober now......but all those regret are still there.

I constantly feel as though I am not good enough. I don't feel as though I am a good mother. I love them soooo much, but I get angry at them. I get really mad, and I get mean. I'm like my mother.......I hate that part of me.

School, I can never do good enough in school, I always feel ashamed of myself, ashamed of my stupidity.

My husband says, "Des your your only obstacle", and he's right, he's so right. I never thought of it that way. I'm at war with myself. Why?

I'm just so low right now, and of course haven't eaten in a few days. It makes the guilt pangs even worse. Even if when there is food, I won't eat, I'm losing weight.

I just feel so low, and so lonely. Nothing is changing, it's all staying the same.

Desirae

[greenfairy]

oh des, i know how you feel and i wish i had the words to make it right. we all make mistakes. i still make them, every day of my life. but i try to be a good person, and it sounds like youre trying to. give yourself a chance. i fear sometimes that just by virtue of being my fathers daughter, my brothers sister, something bad is within me waiting to come out. we can choose to be different though. were not condemned to make their mistakes. every parent gets mad at their children sometimes. just remember that when you feel like youre losing it, walk away. go into another room, and remind yourself that you dont want to make your children feel the way your mother made you feel. i know youre a good person, and i have no doubt youre a good parent as well. try to hang in there.
and as far as the eating. . . youre a mom. you need those calories to keep after your kids. buy some ensure. force it down. dont let yourself waste away. your family needs you.
hugs and wishing you healing and hoping you can forgive yourself.

[desirae]

Thanks Green, that was perfect...exactly what I needed to hear.

I feel much better now, I just get so frustrated. My babies are both very young...both in diapers, and if they begin crying or screaming at the same time...it is very difficult to keep my brain from exploding. I've never yelled, hit, cussed, or anything like that to my kids, but for the first time the ever the other day I told them to shut up........I feel so awful for it. They didn't deserve it, I was already mad about something else.

That's exactly how I feel, I'm my mothers daughter, and I do feel that something bad is waiting to come out to. I'm always paranoid about that.

I do want to be my kids mother....not my mother being their mother.

Thanks alot for replying......thanks for caring.

Desirae

[Sabrina]

I identified with so much in your post. My husband has told me more than once that I am my own worst enemy and that I am the only one fighting with myself.

I have told my child to shut up many times. I always feel terrible about it but he loves as much as ever and I know I don't love him any less.

It sounds like you need a little bit of time to yourself now and again. Just a little bit of time where you can sit or lay quietly, read or walk, bathe or shower, listen to music or enjoy total silence. My husband often takes my son and stepdaughter away for a couple of hours so that I can have me-time. That me-time is often spent doing absolutely nothing. Just indulging in peace-and-quiet without guilt. (Despite that it took years not to feel guilty).

You sound like a wonderful and caring wife and mother. Imagine that you are carrying a rugsack of rocks and pebbles on your back. Everyday throw out one pebble until you are ready to throw out some rocks. Each rock and pebble would represent a guilt that you are feeling and when you throw it out of the sack, you are forgiving yourself. Perhaps you wont forget, but the most important thing is that self-forgiveness. It may take a while, but as that rugsack becomes a little lighter, so does the guilt. I have been carrying my rugsack all my life. It still isn't empty but I have somehow managed to lighten it's load.

Feel free to PM me - I really feel for you.

((Des))

[desirae]

Sabrina,

Thank you so much, I'm glad somebody understands. It is very difficult when I never get a second alone. Not even showers. It's very demanding on the brain.

I think that is exactly what I need. I thought classes would be enough, but they aren't. I would be grateful to get at least a couple hours here and there. It would benefit the kids as well.....I'm sure they get sick of me....lol. Just kidding.

Yeah, there's definitely alot of pebbles and rocks in my sack, my sack is a little over filled and spilling all over the place at this moment.

I really appreciate your reply, I find relief in knowing that I am not the only one who gets a little burned out. Makes me feel not as bad.

Desirae