can't take this crap anymore!!!

right now i feel like the biggest piece of scum on the planet, i suck and i deserve everything i get!

can't stop thinking about my boys and how much i MUST have screwed them up. they all have special needs (autism) and have lived with foster folks on a farm since their daddy topped himself and i had a breakdown. it was only supposed to be temporary but then social workers found out i'm D.I.D. etc and too pathetic to rear the beautiful babies i carelessly brought into the world.

scum like me shouldn't even be born. and now you all know the kind of person i am, i expect no replies, i just don't see any reason to bother with myself any more, some pain is just too bloody much!!!

Hello, Roz_G!
I acknowledge you are experiencing these terrible feelings and that your ability to wrestle with them is just about zero.

I hope you can find the strength not necessarily to combat your feelings but simply to regard them as unreliable.

Do you have any contact with your children?

(((( Roz ))))

You didn't make your children have autism and you didn't purposely have a breakdown. Go easy on yourself.

(((Roz))) I have been in the absolute depths lately myself. It's so hard when you are hurting like that to see any good in anything, but that doesn't mean the good is not there. blaming yourself for things that are outside your control will just make you feel worse. is there anything you feel you can make progress at and focus on that for a while? it doesn't have to be much, just something you can work on and see some results. we have to start somewhere. keep posting, you are not alone.

not this year, contact broke down....social workers have been promising to get it sorted all year but when it's literally a different social worker every week...anyways, i have a friend who is a social worker who is doing all she can to help. it's just difficult when some social worker i've never even seen mails me telling me all the bad stuff going on just now and i can't even be there to comfort my babies.

((((Pegs)))) ...deep down i know that, it's just hard atm.

i don't know...one thing i could do is learn more about tourettes as one of my sons is diagnosed with that as well as autism. he's also been permanently excluded from school for anger and violence, maybe i could try and find some information on kids with behavioral problems as his social workers don't have a clue or the time., and it's all worrying me senseless and making me feel so helpless.

thanx for your post

Dear Roz, sweetheart, first off--Rohag is so right! If you can do only one thing, I hope you can find the strength simply to regard your feelings as unreliable. They are not real, Roz. Your pain is so deep, and it is the pain that is making you feel all these horrid things about yourself.

Awful things have happened to you, Roz. These things have made you sick and left you unable to take proper care of yourself or of your boys. But look what you did! You found people who could care for them. That's exactly what a responsible mom does.

Until your pain can be brought under control somehow, and you are able to bother with and care for yourself, you won't be able to begin to care for your boys.

You need to have some contact with them, though. When's the last time you spoke with them?

Please be in touch with us, okay?

Roadie

Roadie, i haven't had contact since christmas time, and that was just via mail.

but as i was the one who asked for decent folks who could care for my special boys when i had the breakdown...and as i was the one who advised social workers about my other problems later (they were ready to hand them back and i admitted all my problems and said think carefully if this is best for these babies) ...then i guess in a way it's my own fault.

deep down i feel i have done what is best for them..but it still hurts, especially when contact breaks down and i get faceless social workers informing me of new problems by mail when i can't do anything about it.

Do you have a social worker you see in person, who really knows you? And it does sound as if you continue to put your boys first, which would hurt a lot. But it's what moms do.

I'm so sorry. You're going thru hell. PMs or VMs get my attention faster. But I will try to pay more attention.

we have a community social worker here who's known me for about 15 years. she is a great help, i just don't like to go to her if i can help it, she's the only social worker in this neighborhood so very overworked.

It doesn't seem to me that you ask anything just for you, do you? I understand that she's overworked. But maybe if you can let her know that there's no rush. Just that you really need her help and can wait until she can fiNd the time.

Could you do that?

for Roz
Roadie

Those were unselfish, courageous acts of love. Kudos, Roz_G!

i guess i should. she's on holiday atm but did tell me i could contact her if i need her, just don't tell everyone. she knows me well enough to know i struggle but dont like to ask for help. she has always found the time for me when i have asked...so yeah, i guess i should.

Good. You need you friends now, & friends wont mind.
Roadie

thanx for the support everyone

i seen her today and she's acting as what she says is called "my advocate" ... all i know is it means she will do all she can to help.

How does that feel, Roz? I know you're still alone, not with your boys ... but maybe it's a start. I hope so.

I'm thinking about you. Hope thing don't drag out forever.