[Tinkbiffy]

Hi im new here, i have been looking for a place like this for ages, i have been suffering from depression for a good few years now, but only had it diagnosed 2 years ago, at first admitting there was something wrong was hard, but i did and was put onto prozac, i stopped taking it Jan 05, but was soon back at the doctor, the symptoms had returned but this time it felt worse, i have a fear of leaving the house myself, and even more so staying in the house myself, i am also a recovering self harmer, but im ashamed to admit i cut last night, over the past week my partners uncle passed away, we had been expecting it, he was misdiagnosed a few years ago and told he has an ulcer, which turned out to be a very agressive throat and stomach cancer, well i had mentally prepared myself for the trip up north to the highlands of scotland, i live in glasgow, but that all changed when my partners dad phoned with arrangements for the funeral, they had to travel up thursday morning 6am and we found out wed night, i had no chance of taking my cats 50+ miles away as i dont drive so i couldnt go, so i had to stay in the house by myself, which i know is quite simple for most people, but i find it difficult to be left alone, i was doing really well until 11pm last night, i just cant shift the way i am feeling, i really want him here but he is 200+ miles away and his dad is holding a business meeting the day his brother is buried, i know people deal with their grief in their own way, but i am tearing my hair out here, i know that prob sounds selfish but i just cant help it, why cant i just be able to let my partner go away for a day and night and the next day without him worrying if i am going to be ok. i feel really bad that i have been blubbering all over him when he is the one who has lost an uncle, i felt so crap last night i cut again, he is going to be so disappointed when he sees what i have done, i feel like a failure, we have been through alot and he has even ended our relationship before which is purely because he didnt know what to do, he was at his wits end, i am so scared he will be angry with me, i was on the phone to him a few times and he has lost the rag but i havent done anything wrong, i know he is frustrated but so am i, i wish all this would just go away,

[Solitude]

Hi, welcome to the forum.

I really feel for you. I too am in deep depression and have been cutting myself again. I hate it because it really upsets my husband, I just wish they'd clear up quick!

Have you gone back on to meds again, and are you seeing anyone to help you through this like a therapist? If not it would be certainly worth considering.

Though hard at times, please understand that you are NOT useless, and that you will get over this illness. Just give it time.

Take care ((((Hugs))))

[Tinkbiffy]

Thanks for replying , yeah im back on meds and i am at the moment waiting to see a councillor, it seems like ive been waiting for ever! cutting is the only way i can relieve my sadness and its only for moments cause once i realize what i am doing i get guilty and start to worry what my partner will say, He should be home soon, so fingers crossed he's in a good mood, and just gives me a cuddle thats all i really want!

welcome to the forum.
I'm so sorry that you have been battling depression for so long and that cutting seems to be the only way to relieve the pain. Hopefully the forum can provide some support for you.

[peaceprinter]

wow. i came on to this website because of my husband's ADHD, but after reading these posts, maybe there's another reason i'm here. if it's any help whatsoever....i use to cut myself about 12 years ago when i was in highschool. i never really understood it, or that i guess this is a common thing for people to do?! my dad was pretty hard on me, i have little self confidence, always get totally down on myself, care too much what other people think and hate making mistakes....when i couldn't handle the pressure anymore, i'd cut arms up with razor blades. i guess it kind or numbed whatever i was feeling. i didn't want to kill myself, i just...i'm not sure why i did it. anyhow, i haven't done it in a very, very long time, so i just want you to know, that you can get over it. don't ask me how, just know that you can. and no, we are not failures....none of us. if we were, we wouldn't be here reading and writing this...would we? don't know how to send a smile or a hug...am new to this, but know that i'd send one if i could.

[Solitude]

Hi peaceprinter,
Thanks for your words of hope,
Solitude xxx

[heartspace]

peaceprinter when your typing your message click on the 'use smilies' to the left of the dialogue box. It'll bring up a window with the smilies and you click on them to add them.
Tinkbiffy I can relate to what you're going through. My husband and I have travelled a hard road but I want to assure you that things can work out. We're very happy now.