My T is USELESS.

I phone him and he's completely ridiculous to talk to. He told me I could phone him if I ever felt the urge to hurt myself ... bah. He's useless. He told me to go talk to other people. When he KNOWS that I find it hard to talk to anyone, let alone complete strangers.

I hate that. So I get to go to therapy on Monday knowing I wasted his time, he didn't help me and that I can never ever contact him outside of session again. Because it was a waste of my time.

ARGH.

I kinda know how you feel. My old T would take my calls, call me back, spend time on the phone with me. My new T is way too busy for that, and doesn't even have an email address....

((((((Canders7)))))))

I'm sorry hon!!! (sounds familiar to me too... ...)

((((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))

Gggrrrrrowl at useless T's!!!..

(((((((((Christina)))))))))

So. . .you called him, right? Did he refer you to a helpline or something like that? Is that what you mean when you say, He told me to talk to other people?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) It can be so hard when they just don't get it. Especially after reaching out to them. Please consider talking to him about it next Monday when you see him explaining how ineffective he was. Please try and stay safe.

BB

((((((((mybestkids2))))))))))))

My last T gave me her number and email if I ever needed to talk to her urgently. Otherwise, she said not to. (I should also say I never did email/phone her unless I was missing a group meeting that she also ran). He said the same thing about phoning. But it WAS urgent. Phooey.

Thanks.

Thanks (((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))

(((((((((((((EV)))))))))))))) thank you.

(((((((Gracey)))))))))

I did call him. I even hung up a few times before I was transferred to talk to him. I was nervous and thought I was wasting his time - but he told me I never was. I felt like I was at the end of the conversation though.

He gave me a number for another person on-campus who I've already bumped into and don't like. He knows I have trouble trusting people - let alone talking to people - and I even told him I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to let him now where I was at, and get ideas about other coping mechanisms to deal. Turns out the nice sticky in the SI forum was more useful than he was. (sigh). He also told me I could phone a crisis line. Same problem with that, except even worse since it's a complete stranger.

... I'm just scared of trusting people. And he's now made me feel like an idiot.

((((((((BB)))))))))))

Do you think it would help, or would it just make things worse? I'm just not sure about anything anymore. He already has an agenda for what he wants to talk about on Monday (which I don't like... gah).

I stayed safe, you all at PC are great to me.

Thanks BB

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canders7 said:
Do you think it would help, or would it just make things worse? I'm just not sure about anything anymore. He already has an agenda for what he wants to talk about on Monday (which I don't like... gah).

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Tough beans for him. It's your therapy. You get to choose the agenda for the session. Just tell him you'd like to talk about the phone call. Only you know best what you need to heal, and if his agenda isn't what you need to talk about next session, then reject it or postpone it for another day or leave it for the end of your session, after you have talked about the topics of importance to you. For example, if he tries to push his agenda, you could say, "first I'd like to talk about the phone call, then if we have time, maybe we could return to that." Good luck.

As much as it's going to sound like I'm picking a side here, the thing is, it sounds as though he is working to keep the healthy boundaries you guys have already established.

Thanks sunrise... I never know how to phrase it. So afraid I'll make someone upset by talking about what I want to... (yes, it's ridiculous)

I'll give it a shot, thank you.

Hey Gracey...

I wish if he wanted to establish boundaries like that, that he he hadn't told me I was allowed to phone him if I was feeling the urge to put myself in harms way.

I'll ask him about the boundaries thing though, and tell him I won't be phoning him again. Period.

Thank you

But see. . .you're having a knee jerk reaction b/c he didn't respond the way you wanted him to.

He said you could call. . .and you did. . .and he took your call. He suggested several avenues to help you in the immediate moment. Just b/c the things he said and did didn't make you *feel* a particular way doesn't mean he doesn't value you or feel concern for your problems. If he wasn't concerned, he wouldn't have pointed you toward peeps who could help you in the moment. You see what I'm saying? He WAS there when you called. . .I don't imagine he ever said that you can call and he can fix it over the phone. It's hard for us to remember sometimes that T's have a life outside the office, and even though they invite us to call in emergencies, it doesn't always mean that they won't be making a referral elsewhere to help in that moment.

Telling him you won't phone again is a very juvenile reaction hon. I think you would probably get a much more emphatic and mature response from if you told him, "You know, when I called you, I felt this way, and your reaction led me to feel this other way. I think I may have misunderstood what you meant when you said I can call anytime. Could we talk about this so I'll better understand what to expect from you when I need to call in crisis?" Lashing out, saying "Well fine, I just won't call you anymore b/c you don't meet my needs" is very similar to a child screaming at her parent, "Fine! I hate you anyway."

I don't want to see you end up in the tragic place of being without a therapist, affecting an "I don't give a damn" attitude when it is SO VERY apparent that you DO. Don't go jumping off this bridge before you think it through, ok sweetie?

I understand what you're saying... but I had hoped he'd understand me more when I told him I couldn't do some of the different coping mechanisms he had previously suggested (like get exercise... long story short I was literally trapped in my building all day which didn't make me feel any better) ... he should also know about my reaction to other people. I even told him it wasn't likely that I would ever phone anyone for support, because I'm the type of person who feels they don't deserve help.

He did react differently than I wanted, but I should have expected that. He doesn't react at all like I expect him to most of the time.

I've got no intention of telling him I won't phone again. I just won't, unless it's desperately necessary. I've found that some of my friends are quite able and willing to help me more than he is when I get in the mood to SI - without my friends attempting to "rescue" me either. I just don't think he knows how to deal with the issue of self-injuring, plain and simple. Otherwise this would have turned out differently since I know he's a compassionate and caring T.

I'm not going to give up on therapy, or this T. I just don't particularily find him useful on this issue. Oh well. He's good otherwise, so I'm relatively happy.

Thanks ((((((Gracey)))))))))

You're welcome and I hope you're able to read b/t the lines and my (somewhat) candid ability to "tell it like it is."

I noticed there were quite a few "should's" throughout this thread. It seems like there are a lot of things you feel like he "should" be doing, or getting or saying. I'm curious where these "should" standards came from? Could they have possibly come from your own expectations that perhaps he is unaware of? Maybe he'd be capable of responding differently if he knew what you expected? and though you say you expected him to react the way he did, I think sweetie, if you're honest with yourself, you know you really didn't expect it. And that's why it's so painful right now.

I read once. . .I forget which course. . .that we TEACH people how to TREAT us. I would imagine T's fall into the category of people, and they're really quite like those they serve. If you don't believe that, ask Pink or Sky or any of the rest of us who work in social services. Everybody's got *****, you know? Could it be possible, that by communicating with him your desire to have him respond a certain way, you might teach him a better way?

On the other side of this coin, you gotta remember it's a MAN you're dealing with too. We all know how MEN are. . .c l u e l e s s unless you spell it out for them!

Please don't box yourself into that corner, canders. ((((hugs)))) I'm glad you did call, and I want you to continue to call if it's urgent to you. (It doesn't matter at this point if he thinks it's urgent at the time, you can discuss that in the following session. Use him to get through to the next session!)

Now, I won't go so far as Gracey's "men" statement but I will say that as a therapist he may have been in the middle of something when he took time to call you back. You don't know that perhaps he was signing a new mortgage on his house, or even intervening with another patient and trying to hospitalize them or something, ok?

Yes, we all want to feel and be treated like we are the T's only patient. (((hugs))) But no one is (unless it's a very wealthy T and a very wealthy patient?)

Why not ask the T why he has that particular item for the agenda Monday? You know (I know you do) that Ts usually plan a basic course of therapy to keep you on track. Life does change things as you go...and you need to be able to tell him when it's time to divert a session or two. With discussion of the topic, he might be able to reveal that perhaps where he's trying to lead you will help with the current issue too? Stranger things have happened.

I'm thinking that your T has a service (human) rather than a electronic message center. Why not talk to him about leaving him a message with that service? Would that have the same outcome for you, to know he knows that you are having a tough time and just wanted to make contact with him?

Hang in there, that's why we say that good therapy is hard work. (((hugs)))

Interesting questions Gracey - I'll admit you've really got me thinking (something fun to do when I'm mechanically packing all of my room, sigh).

I like your ability to tell it like it is.

"Should"... hmmm... maybe I'm placing the same things I've received from previous T's as expectations on this one. Also I've got this problem with the word "should"... I use it a LOT on myself. One previous T told me to stop "should-ing" myself. I use it a lot and it tends to do more detriment than good. Maybe that's something I should work on.

I should have expected that he'd do something I didn't expect, that's what I meant. lol. He's full of surprises... the type of T that I can't actually consciously lie to if I don't want to talk about something. He sees through it. He does keep me on my toes though...

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we TEACH people how to TREAT us

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Good to remember. You'd think with the fact I am going for my BA in Psych that I'd be able to apply what I learn... doesn't seem to be that way. If I'm teaching people the way I should be treated... I'm surprised I'm not treated more poorly than I am.

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Could it be possible, that by communicating with him your desire to have him respond a certain way, you might teach him a better way?

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Maybe. Worth a shot anyways.

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On the other side of this coin, you gotta remember it's a MAN you're dealing with too. We all know how MEN are. . .c l u e l e s s unless you spell it out for them!

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First time with a male T and I'm already finding it different... is it odd that this guy actually ran a women's self-esteem group? He did, and he was actually really good at it. lol

Thank you

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but I will say that as a therapist he may have been in the middle of something when he took time to call you back. You don't know that perhaps he was signing a new mortgage on his house, or even intervening with another patient and trying to hospitalize them or something, ok

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Actually I know he wasn't busy... unless you count reading up on stuff busy. (Is it odd that I know that he really doesn't have very many clients right now and that he was free for at least the hour in which I phoned? The receptionists at my Health Services centre are really helpful)

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Why not ask the T why he has that particular item for the agenda Monday?

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This might be a good time to say he's actually a counsellor who's got training in pastoral counselling. His "agenda" is that he thinks I'm mad at God. Odd. Very odd. I told him I didn't want to bring religion into my therapy, and he's usually fine with it. If we don't talk about that (I have no interest in doing so) then we'll probably talk more about my going for further counselling at an abuse centre. I hate the fact he has an agenda for me. HATE IT. My therapy... MINE. Unless it's going to help me, I'd rather just go with the flow. Am I being ridiculous for saying that?

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I'm thinking that your T has a service (human) rather than a electronic message center. Why not talk to him about leaving him a message with that service? Would that have the same outcome for you, to know he knows that you are having a tough time and just wanted to make contact with him?

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He sort of has both. You can leave him a message (voice mail) or you can leave a message with the receptionist and he said he'd phone back when he could that way... this time, since he wasn't in session, the receptionist transferred me directly to talk to him. I think it would have made me feel better to not talk to him directly... I can compose myself better, and he can phone back if he's busy... or not at all. I don't know.

This whole thing is new to me. Why is something so basic so bloody confusing?

Thanks ((((((((((((Sky)))))))))))))

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canders7 said:
I hate the fact he has an agenda for me. HATE IT. My therapy... MINE. Unless it's going to help me, I'd rather just go with the flow. Am I being ridiculous for saying that?

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canders, I have been to both a counselor and a therapist and neither had an "agenda" for me. They always let me choose the topics. Especially my current therapist has told me that only I know what I need to heal and so must choose the path. It was scary at first to always be responsible for my own therapy, but I came to find it empowering. He trusts me to choose the path toward my healing. And he comes with me and helps me along the way with all his skill and empathy. He does make suggestions, of course. For example, he suggested last time that it might be useful to do some more EMDR and he invited me to do EMDR again at my next session. We talked about that a little and I accepted his suggestion. So it's kind of give and take. Some Ts are more directive than others, and they probably vary this depending on the client. So don't be scared to speak up and state your needs. (What's always been interesting to me is early in my therapy, my T told me he tends to be more directive than many therapists. But I find him very non-directive!)

Allo, I am one of those c l u e l e s s men Gracey mentioned (LOL). I was reading the post and hope that as mentioned previously, you may be able to talk it out with him on Monday. Sometimes, regardless of what it seems like, people are trying to "get it" and sometimes dont. We are all human after all (I am not too sure about everyone, really, but you get the drift...)...I hope it works out for you...

Look, a game is on the TV! ;P

Thanks (((((((((((sunrise)))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((Clyde))))))))))))))))

LOL

Very funny. I think I'll try to talk to him on Monday, as long as I don't loose my nerve.

Also thanks for the laugh.